Upset at being called a "big fat dollop"

[Donotknowhownottomind]

in an argument with h this evening. Aibu or should I mentally just laugh it off ?

[CainInThePunting]

How did he react when you called him a rotund change for shit?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Size isn't usually the issue when someone calls you a 'big fat dollop' as it's commonly used as a term of endearment to which the accepted responses are to contort your body so your bum looks as big as possible and waggle it in their direction, or say 'o do fuck off you lightweight streak of piss' while wearing a huge .

Did he hiss the words at you? If not, laugh it off and resolve to get in first with the quasi-insults next time.

[Donotknowhownottomind]

He did shout them at me yes, in the middle of an argument which upset me as well.

Last Saturday I had a headache all day and he did not ask me about it or come and see me (lying on the bed in the bedroom for most of the day). He didn't ask me how I felt when I came downstairs or make any reference to the fact that I wasn't feeling well. I am used to his lack of "care" as he is very unaffectionate generally almost as if he is unable to show interest in the way that other people do - the odd enquiry or making someone a drink or whatever.

Added to the above, he seemed to have a plan where he would drop me and the dds to a friend's house near where he wanted to go in the afternoon (a shop). So he must have told the dds about it as they came up and asked. Yet he knew I wasn't feeling well . I told the girls again and again that I wasn't feeling well. When I did come downstairs he was still "waiting" and then said "I can't wait any longer" and went out.

The next day he asked me if I wanted to go swimming and I said no... (headache had gone but I was still feeling raw and in any case I have gone off swimming for the moment).

Cue some time during the middle of the week when he was saying that the reason nobody ever wants to go swimming (dd2 does but ds and dd1 don't) is because I don't go. I said if he wanted to go and dd2 does as well he can take her. I also mentioned the headache on Saturday and how he had not shown any interest or asked me about it. He said that I had "told him about it enough times" . I was basically trying to explain that I wanted some care at times. I related it back to my parents who would definitely have "looked after" each other if the other one wasn't feeling well, or at least enquired. I also said that I didn't think his parents had been caring of each other in this way (which I actually do really believe because he and his siblings are of a very similar detached, super independent kind of dis-interested ilk). Granted it was probably not the best thing to say but this lack of affection and care is a long standing issue for me. His Dad left when dh was 15 and was an alcoholic so there must have been issues in any case.

I also said that when he isn't feeling well, I give him drinks and medicines and vitamin tablets etc... by way of an example I suppose of the sort of treatment I would like.

Cue the argument yesterday. Basically h came home and I gave him his dinner and made him a cup of tea and gave him the vitamin tablet that he normally takes. He then said that he would rather I didn't give him the vitamin, or that he could get it himself as he then did not want me to complain that he doesn't do it for me.

So I felt really hurt then as the fact that I told him that I get him tablets if he is not feeling well was really not me measuring out what I do and expecting the same in return, it was really me just saying or trying to explain what I would like sometimes if possible. However I do not think that h understands at all .

So all of this escalated into an argument where I said that I felt hurt, that I would not like him to get me my vitamins etc if I was well but that if I am unwell I would like some care...

It's at this point that he called me a "big fat dollop" and shouted at me to stop talking.

So all of this because I gave him a vitamin pill .

Plus I am hormonally all over the place at the moment and feel constantly down. I am finding H's abrasiveness in general really hard to deal with as I feel so low, so I don't even know if the above is all a massive overreaction on my part.

I have tried to explain how down I feel to h but am not sure it really sank in - he thinks I am always on a downer which is really not the case.

[Donotknowhownottomind]

(Though I do get your point re. big fat dollop being kind of oddly affectionate in the right circumstance. I would like to lose at least half a stone so I am a little senstive about this issue and sometimes do actually feel like a dollop).

[LisbethSalandersLaptop]

did you have a migraine then?
because taking to your bed and demanding care for the day for a 'headache' is not really reasonable. TBH.

[Donotknowhownottomind]

It was a bad headache and I felt bad enough to lie down which I wouldn't normally. By care I really did not want him to run around - at all. I wanted him to ask how I felt I suppose, and not try to organise something for the afternoon when he had been told I didn't feel well.

[Donotknowhownottomind]

Am prepared to be told I am being unreasonable however (though please don't drag me over the coals!!) because I don't trust my judgement at the moment.

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

I'm in agreement with Lisbeth here i'm afraid. When I have a headache I usually just take 2 paracetamol and get on with stuff.

Or is there more to it?

[Donotknowhownottomind]

I don't know how to quantify the headache. I took 2 nurofen which did nothing. Hours later I took another 2. I did feel awful and was not being lazy!! But it's not really the point. I would like him to ask me how I feel sometimes and he never does.

[RainbowFlutterby]

So you took to your bed for a whole day with a headache, and you won't take your children swimming because you've "gone off it"?

It all sounds a bit "me, me, me" tbh.

[happyending14]

I was also surprised to read you took to your bed for the day with a headache. How can you do that with three children? And you declined two family activities. I would be peed off if you were my partner, sorry.

[happyending14]

Cross post there but we are saying the same.

[RainbowFlutterby]

Having re-read your very long post, I probably wouldn't ask how DP was if he kept going on about it either!

I know I'm not being helpful, but you do sound a bit drama llama.

[happyending14]

Calling you fat is out of order however.

[RainbowFlutterby]

Oh, 2 ibuprofen followed by 2 paracetamol (co-codamol if necessary) will work better than 2 Nurofen. Ibuprofen can be taken 6 hours apart, paracetamol 4 hours apart. You can alternate and take together.

[Donotknowhownottomind]

No I really am not me, me, me .

I felt really unwell on Saturday to the point that I lay down. I did not want to spend the whole day in bed but I felt really bad - there were loads of things I was planning to do.

Re. the swimming, I still felt bad and yes I have body issues at the moment. The point is that h could have taken them by himself but then blames me for the fact that the older 2 don't go. Ds is almost 14 and there is no way that he would come swimming if he doesn't want to. Whether I go or not. Do I have to go swimming just because h announces we should do that? He doesn't always join in with the things I suggest we do with the kids and I have often gone out with them alone while he stays at home.

[Donotknowhownottomind]

Also I would have loved to go on the Saturday activity as I really like the friend we could have gone to see but I was feeling really drowsy and out of it.

[Donotknowhownottomind]

And me going on about it was mentioning it a couple of times as I wanted to explain why I wasn't around.

[RainbowFlutterby]

So your issues are stopping your children from doing a common family activity? Your children have said that they want to go with you, so it's not really your DH refusing to take them.

Still hearing "me, me, me".

And yes, I had to get over anxiety and panic attacks for the sake of my DS so I know it's hard.

[Donotknowhownottomind]

On the Saturday the girls wanted to with me but I had a throbbing headache. I don't think that's me, me, me. I couldn't sit at my friend's house with my head in my hands.

Today for example I asked h if he wants to go to a museum and he said he feels too tired. So I suppose I can take whoever wants to come on my own. Is that h being selfish?

[Donotknowhownottomind]

dh

[rosieliveson1]

I don't agree that YWBU to lie down if you felt unwell. If I'm feeling unwell and need a lie down, DH will take care of DS while I do so. He will also check how I am and ask if I need any medicines etc. I do the same for him. Surely that just par for the course on a relationship?
If you didn't want to swim, I do think you should have suggested an alternative activity as having your ideas for family activities 'shot down' with no alternative gets wearing.
As for the fat dollop comment, I suppose it depends how it was said. If it was an insult, intended to hurt and attack your confidence that he knows is low, it was U of him and I would be really upset. On the other hand, if it was a throw away, silly insult said without real malice then I think you should put it down to a bad mood and a fight and move on.

[RainbowFlutterby]

If your children want him to go then yes he is being selfish (unless he is genuinely shattered and it's an all day trip). If your children are not fussed whether he goes or not then no he isn't.

[RainbowFlutterby]

I might see if I can go to bed this afternoon with a headache.

Alas, I suspect not.

[Donotknowhownottomind]

rainbow

I appreciate your point of view as I think it helps to get perspective on things, but I am really not a smelling salts kind of person who takes to her bed at the slightest thing. In fact I am never ill. I think a household can function if one of the adults is below par for an afternoon depending on the age of the kids. Our youngest is 9 so they are all fairly independent.