Money money money

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

I am feeling rather resentful this evening. I have just been given (a not very significant) pay rise at work, and it's got me thinking. I don't work in a particularly well paid profession and it is a demanding all hours of the day sort of job (think in the office by 7am, not home til 6pm type thing). However I do have a inherited property so get some more income from renting it out. My DP works in a fairly menial job and earns less than a third of what I do. As in he is constantly needing to borrow money the week leading up to payday. Now this he does pay back. However, an 'extras' eg drinks, all the food, letting him stay over constantly as he is in the shitty accommodation that comes with his job, etc I am constantly paying, with no return. Seeing as I work extremely hard for my money, and have a rather hefty credit card bill (mainly paying off our flights from the summer holidays - I paid, obviously) and the fact that he just sort of holds up his hands and says I have nothing until x day, etc, and and btw please lend me £100 until I can pay you back, this is really starting to vex me. I really do feel that I am being taken advantage of. We have a good relationship and he is a lovely person, however all the arguments between us are about money, esp when I have had a drink and get annoyed that I am essentially paying for both of us to live. I am getting to the age when I am wanting to settle down, start a family etc, but I just can't see it happening with him due to the financial situation. We went to view a flat the other day, and it struck me that it would be me paying the entire deposit, me bailing him out if he couldn't make the rent.... In fairness to him, he is looking for another job, but he has no formal qualifications that are recognised in the UK (he is from abroad). Am I being silly by letting my resentment over money get in the way?? This was the reason my last relationship ended, as it was very much me spending the lion's share, but this is a whole new kettle of fish. I realise it sounds like he is using me for money, and he's not, but it does seem increasingly that he is taking it for granted that I will foot the bill for everything, from dinner to day to day groceries. And I get upset as I think about how hard I work and how unfair it is. Any advice would be appreciated. (Sorry this has turned out rather long!)

[OliviaBenson]

Not silly at all. He sounds like a cocklodger. You'd be well rid IMO.

[pocketsaviour]

Am I being silly by letting my resentment over money get in the way??

I think you are being incredibly sensible, not silly.

Take a long hard look at this man. Do you think he's ever going to get a job where he will be able to pay his own way (or at least significantly more than he does now)? You say he is looking for a new job, but what are his realistic prospects of getting one? Is he training etc at nights or is he just doing 9-5 and then expecting you to pick up the bills?

If you were to get married and have children with this man, what would happen when you had the baby? You would need to take just 6 weeks (or however much full pay your company awards) and then go back, because he'd be the obvious SAHP choice, right? So then you'd be supporting a baby and a non-working partner all on your wage...

Honestly this doesn't sound to me like it's got legs. There is no way in hell that I'd move in with this guy until he got himself into a position where he was sorting his money out. And if that means "I don't go out except once a month because I'm at home studying to get this qualification" then so be it.

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

Hmmm. I guess I knew that was coming, and I guess you are right. Thing is, he does work extremely hard, but the industry he is in is notorious for not paying well, as in he was supposed to finish at 6 this eve, and is still at work (no money for overtime). And he is trying to find another job. Do you think it is worth me sticking around? (Can already predict the answer to this one...)

[Twinklestein]

I've never expected to be bankrolled by bfs, I don't see why he should.

If you were married & you'd thrown your lot in together, it would be slightly different. But you're not.

The times I've had very little money in my life, I didn't buy drinks at all, I ate very frugally, didn't go the cinema etc - anything I coudn't afford.

It sounds like's very happy for you to subsidise his lifestyle.

He doesn't sound like father material if you're thinking about settling down.

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

You are right. It's got to the point where I have told him that I need an early night and some me time, because I don't want to cook 'my food' again for him. It's sad that money has to get in the way of things, but o guess you are talking sense. I am currently living at home to try and save some money (I am lucky I know, and to have the house that my father left me to get some more income in). He is from a very poor area in Europe, and is extremely frustrated at having no money all the time, but it is just causing a massive rift in our relationship. How do I always end up being the wallet?? Like I said, it's not like my job even pays particularly well.

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

He is in the position to take the qualification that he needs to earn more money, but because he is on such a low wage, he can't possibly afford it, and his work refuse to pay it, so unless I fork out for it, we are stuck at square one.... Rather fed up with it all right now

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

Anyway, I am celebrating my pay rise with a measly glass of left over pimms as he is still at work. Feeling a bit down in the dumps about it.

[MaryMcGregor]

Sounds to me like you need to let him go as to me it sounds like he is trying very hard and you are not prepared to help him. You either see yourselves as a unit and pull together, or you don't. I don't see how he is a cocklogder if you don't live together. It's surely up to you if you wish to treat him or not,

[MaryMcGregor]

He's working and you are on the internet moaning about him. Just saying...

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

I have tried my hardest. I have rewritten his cv, I have helped him with his english, I have taken him on holiday. I never said he was a cocklodger. All I have said is that I am starting to resent being treated like a walking wallet. I have spent over £100 in the last five days on dinners (at home I hasten to add) and drinks and his cigarettes, etc. I lend him money and tell him to pay me back when he can. I offered to pay for this qualification that he needs. And I fully support him as I agree that his work treat him basically as a slave. Am i not allowed to feel annoyed that my hard earned money is going on him as his employers don't pay him a decent wage? Don't think I can be any more supportive

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

I've been at work since 6.45am, no lunch break, etc. The other night I got home at 10.30 after having been at work since 6.45am again. He only started work at 10am today.

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

I am not moaning about him, I was asking for advice about whether I should essentially be paying for two people on a one person salary, when I have been scrimping and saving to try and get enough money for a flat (which around here is basically more than my life is worth) and was asking for objective opinions about whether or not that was fair. But thanks for your input, most helpful

[PrimalLass]

Only you can know if he is worth it. I think if it was a man moaning about their partner's low income the replies would be different.

[goddessofsmallthings]

If you're footing the bill for his food/drink etc and he regularly borrows money from you, what does he spend his wages on? Did he agree to repay you the cost of his holiday flights or did you use your credit card to buy them as a gift for him?

Why are you looking at flats with a view to the two of you living together when he has accomodation that comes with his low paid job and insufficient income to pay his fair share of rent/rates/utility bills etc?

If he doesn't have any formal qualifications that are recognised in the UK, what are the chances of him finding a higher paid job? Could he take on an additional part-time job to boost his income, or does he have any skills which he could use to become self-employed?

If he has qualifications that are recognised in his home country, would it make more financial sense for him to find a job and accomodation there with a view to you joining him and supporting yourself on the rental income from your inherited property while he foots the majority of the bills until such time as you can find work?

As this isn't the first time you've found yourself paying the lion's share, I have to ask whether you're aware that it's just as easy to love a rich man as it is a poor one or whether you find it difficult to be in a relationship with a man who has as much, if not more, financial clout than you do?

[Twinklestein]

I think it's very unwise to help someone so much financially if you've not made a life commitment to them.

If he buggers off with someone else after you've bankrolled him, you'll end up regretting it.

If he's that poor, he needs to stop drinking and smoking, that's what I did. (To be fair I was actually ill at the time so giving up smoking was mostly to do with that). But I didn't go to the cinema or eat a meal out for 3 years when I was ill, because I couldn't afford it.

If you're constantly having to lend him money then he's not living within his means.

When people have very unequal incomes it's ok for one partner to help the other out to a certain extent. But I think you're subsidising him too far.

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

Thanks primal think mrs mcgregor is being a tad unfair.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Have you actually had a civilised rational discussion with him about him contributing towards date nights?

Out of interest if you have a baby with anybody how do you percieve you and the baby being supported whilst you are not at work?

[tribpot]

Normally I loathe those posters who come on and say 'oh but what if the genders were reversed, the story would be different then, eh?'. I suppose it is more usual for men to subsidise women because women get paid less than men. (Just to be clear, I am a WOHM and my DH is a SAHD and hasn't worked for many years because he is chronically ill).

But what concerns me here is not really his earning potential or the fact he earns less, it's the fact he's not living within his means. You don't owe him anything, you don't live together, but already he's overspending because he feels entitled to some of your money.

If it was about occasionally going out to nicer restaurants than he could afford - obviously you would pay because you wanted to. Or even if he wanted a loan to pay for this qualification and he had a good track record of repaying money (you're not helping yourself by telling him to pay you back when he can, that's code for 'I'm giving you this money but we'll pretend it's a loan') that would be different. But at a time when you're living at home to save money, it seems pointless to be with someone who expects to be subsidised.

[Toffeelatteplease]

There is no should or shouldn't about it.

Some people when they are the higher earner will have no problem supporting a lower earning partner, other people will feel taken advantage of. It's not static either, sometimes it may work other times it won't. Some people view the whole thing as joint funds so there is no one person supporting the other, you are both jointly supporting each other. Some people ahem me couldn't abide being supported by a partner and has trouble when they pay for anything even when you would happily pay for them.

Mumsnet say "never give more than you can afford to loose".

If you are resenting what you are spending on a relationship then it is not the relationship for you. There really is is no should about it.

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

These are all extremely good points. He is a few years older than me, and we have had many frank discussions about the fact that I am basically carrying him financially at the moment. Usually resulting in him storming off - I get the feeling that he is embarrassed rather than anything else. Yet I do feel like I am being taken for granted. I have got some money saved up (admittedly not much in the grand scheme of things) but about £5000, but I can see that dwindling before my eyes of this continues and feel resentful about how much more I would have if I didn't have to constantly fork out for him. Sorry if I am being moany.

[lorelei9]

I don't like the sound of this. If you were helping a long term partner with essentials that would be one thing but paying for his cigarettes is quite another. Also, how did five days of meals cost £100?

I'm sorry but I've seen so many people (both genders) be used in this way I would advise extreme caution. If his accommodation is paid for then his biggest bill is taken care of as well. Def don't get into a living together set up, one day day he will waltz in and announce he's resigned and is ready to start that course you offered to pay for.

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

Example: we were in waitrose and I paid out over fifty quid for dinner for two nights, drinks and his tobacco, and made a joke about how when he got paid that he could take me out for dinner to say thanks. He later deadly seriously said i had better rethink that idea as he couldn't afford to do that....

[lorelei9]

Cross posted, those savings should not be spent on him! How long have you been together btw?

[lighteningirl]

I think you already know the answer to this one if you have reached the point where you don't want to share food with him it's definitely over. I had a fab fun wonderful boyfriend in my thirties who just took too much, always borrowing money and less and less willing to pay it back. We'd have lovely nights out and he would always 'get the next one' I later found from a neighbour he was letting himself in while I was at work making lunch tidying up and leaving without me knowing, taking silly things like baked beans way with him. .The resentment will carry on building. The problem is that he is just a bit too happy to take bin him and find a life partner who gives as much as he takes.

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

I know £100 sounds extreme, but that takes into account his cigarettes, drinks, and easy dinners that I we can make as we are both very busy. Another example, he just spoke to me and wants to go to the pub, I have said no as I know I will just end up paying, as obviously the £50 I lent him yesterday is for his own personal use. Oh and the fact that I have lent him my Oyster card (totally outed myself as obvs live in London), and now I am feeling all sad that I should be able to go out and celebrate my pay rise with my boyfriend, but clearly that's not going to happen.