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advice

(24 Posts)
IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 27-Sep-15 21:32:41

hi
my dh is currently working on a new project for work.
A week ago I was in town with my friends and dh supporting him at a work event. A female colleague who I did not know approached him, kissed him on the cheek and hugged him then ignored us and buggered off.
This last week, 3 times, he came in once at 1am, and twice at 12am.
He has told me he is finishing at a certain time, but come in an hour later.
The day after he worked until 1am he said he would not go in to work due a family crisis (which I won't go into or might out myself).
Suddenly at lunch time,whilst at college, I get a text message saying he was meeting a colleague for coffee at 1pm. he had said he was not going into work because he was tired, and had agreed to pick me up after my lesson, but as I finished early, I thought i would give him a ring. He did not answer my calls for 20 minutes, despite also phoning his work mobile as I was worried an rang it. I thought it was odd he was ignoring my calls when he was supposed to be having a 'casual' coffee with a colleague. I gave him the car on condition that he was available to pick me up.
A rl friend thinks that if someone was working a late night and with having the family crisis, he would not have gone to meet this colleague for a coffee and caught up on his sleep from the night before.
he has also been disengaged, I have been trying to discuss what I have been studying and revising and he is showing no interest at all.
Tonight, we had been out at a family dinner, and his work phone rang at 7pm. He wasn't going to answer it and just stared at it. We all looked at him and I said are you going to get it then must be emergency at 7pm on a Sunday. When he answered, someone spoke, he did not say sorry I am with family can this wait till tomorrow, he said I am afraid I cannot talk right now. When I asked him who it was in front of everyone he said his male colleague, then when I asked him about it later he said he had told someone to phone him tonight. I think someone is telling a few fibs, I feel because of my trust issues, he has started lying to me about meeting female colleagues. His face lit up after the phone call despite trying to disguise who it was. What do people advise.
My gut instinct is going haywire, but I am trying to trust him because this is an important project for him.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 27-Sep-15 21:46:40

I think the fact he said 'male colleague' instead of just 'colleague' says it all!
Keep an eye on things closely.

DragonsCanHop Sun 27-Sep-15 21:53:10

What time does he leave in the morning? has he suddenly just started working these hours, does he commute?

Last question grin what's he like with his phone, can you get to it/passcode?

loveyoutothemoon Sun 27-Sep-15 21:58:19

Working til the early hours surely not? What type of work does he do?

IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 27-Sep-15 22:05:36

Oh I forgot to mention he had a hair cut the day he came in at 1am, and keeps wanting the car, the days I am at college. He also keeps smiling after checking his phone which I have never seen him do before.
Alarm bells rang that day that he had a hair cut and was in late.
he is a manager and normally works 8-6 day but is doing a new project on top of his day work. He has now switched the phone off and put it away since we got home which I think is highly suspicious and was looking away when I asked what was it all about.

Madamscorp Sun 27-Sep-15 22:09:29

I'm sorry but he is lying to you

DragonsCanHop Sun 27-Sep-15 22:12:23

Too many threads like this on here recently sad

Just tell him he is making you feel really insecure, you aren't sure about all the extra hours and his behaviour is making you feel like something isn't right, you want to support him and help him with the new project but you are adjusting and can't help having a funny feeling. Can I look at you ohone please! I'm sorry but I just need to make sure we are ok.

His face will tell you the rest.

Good luck

IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 27-Sep-15 22:32:46

we have had endless conversations about my insecurity, but he still after two years (we've had other problems) won't agree to marriage counselling. I have been on my own but I could have endless counselling and it still wouldn't change our situation.
He refuses to take me out, is hardly ever affectionate or compliment me and most recently, started a two hour argument over a diy question I had for him and told me to stop mothering him. All I asked was about wiring before wallpapering. the argument lasted until 1am the night he 'was in' and not at work.
I get the feeling he has checked out of the marriage. Either because he is under pressure or because he has had his head turned.
unfortunately, he cannot change his hours with this project.

DragonsCanHop Sun 27-Sep-15 22:44:00

You can choose to live like you are now or tell him it isn't working, not because of his hours but because of his commitment to you, and then he leaves.

Are you financially secure with rl help?

Jux Sun 27-Sep-15 22:51:23

What does he bring to your life that you wouldn't have otherwise?

IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 27-Sep-15 22:57:21

I have given him an ultimatum. (not sure if right spelling)
And I am considering thinking about having time out.
Am I being ridiculous thinking relationships are based on attraction and having things in common.
He can't even say if he is attracted to me.

SilverBadger Sun 27-Sep-15 23:13:27

He refuses to take me out, is hardly ever affectionate or compliment me is not a job description of a DH. Is this man wasting your time?

AnyFucker Sun 27-Sep-15 23:36:29

Well, this all sounds rather miserable whether or not there is another woman taking up his attention.

This isn't a marriage, it sounds like a penance.

Jux Mon 28-Sep-15 08:21:18

I wouldn't waste time "considering thinking about" taking time out. Take time out. Do it. Act.

He is wasting your time and energy and he's already checked himself out. Maybe it'll make him realise what he's likely to lose, maybe it won't, but you'll have the advantage of not carrying on a relationship on your own.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 28-Sep-15 09:41:54

I don't understand what you get from this relationship?
He doesn't take you out
He doesn't give you affection
He picks arguments and keeps them going for hours
He isn't trustworthy
He is a liar
Why are you with him?
Don't stay with someone who makes you unhappy.
Blimey, you get one shot at this life.
Don't resign yourself to this shite for the next 40 years!!!!
You ARE worth more.

Please contact Womens Aid and enroll on their Freedom Programme. This will teach you how to spot 'red flags' and they you don't put up with shit from anyone. This will help you with future relationships.
If you can attend the course it's better but you can sign up to do it online as well.

ProfesserPlum Mon 28-Sep-15 09:46:09

He's checked out hasn't he? Now you take time out. Do it. Act on it...and while you are at it, don't lend him your car

IreallyKNOWiamright Tue 29-Sep-15 22:23:40

Update.
He tells me his latest timetable this morning, again working saturday through to late evening.
Then I came in earlier, to find, he had face time up and running from his work i pad; and his phone. He has never used this before so why the need to now.
Would it be silly to try and follow him on Saturday?

DragonsCanHop Tue 29-Sep-15 22:41:12

It would be a waste of your time, yes.

I've just re read your thread to make this reply, I suggest you do the same.

He has checked out on you. Do you have DC/mortgage together?

Also, do you have some rl support you can lean on. I would have him packed and gone with the house all locked up on Saturday.

Jux Wed 30-Sep-15 09:14:59

It sounds like you are looking for a way to justify whatever you decide to do. Do you feel that you need permission to take some time out to evaluate your relationship?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 30-Sep-15 09:19:20

Yes it would.
Just pack his bags while he is out on Saturday.
Short text - 'I know! Your stuff is in bin bags in the front garden. Do not contact me again'
Then make an appointment with a family solicitor and file for divorce.
This is no life!!

IreallyKNOWiamright Wed 30-Sep-15 15:05:23

we've been together over 14 years. When you have been with someone for so long, it's a scary world. I know something isn't right and he has checked out, I know I deserve better. I just need the confidence to do it. So many people (who don't see what happens behind closed doors) always say i have a good life and I would be making a big mistake, but they haven't lived with him.Since he has been in this job, which is a while now, he has changed. He is not who he used to be. And I don't think I can be with this 'new' him.

DragonsCanHop Wed 30-Sep-15 16:00:19

I do understand and it is very hard but you need to decide what the last straw is going to be.

Follow him if you think it may help you push to make the move. Finally acknowledging and acting on the realisation that all the trust you have put in him was the wrong decision is the hardest part.

It's not him you are fearful of missing it's the future you thought you would have, realising that future is no longer achievable is hard but can you honestly go on like this needs to take own advice

pocketsaviour Wed 30-Sep-15 16:39:51

So many people (who don't see what happens behind closed doors) always say i have a good life and I would be making a big mistake

So you have spoken before to friends/family about leaving?

You're quite right, they're not married to him and you're the only one who can make this decision.

Do you have DC together?

Jux Wed 30-Sep-15 17:07:00

Do you really need to be with someone whose behaviour prompts you to consider following him to see if he's telling the truth?

No, you don't. No-one needs that.

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