Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Jealous of Abusive Exes Relationship

(9 Posts)
averyoriginalusername Sat 26-Sep-15 19:59:41

Th ex in question was a terrible abusive relationship that ended 8 years ago. I have very much moved on and am happily married, but i have a child(DD) with my ex so we have had to stay in contact and i have always struggled to see him fortnightly-i have only recently managed to speak properly to him about anything. All our contact has been through our respective partners up until early this year (every attempt to fix this ended in arguments) when he broke up with her.

It came to light that my ex was abusing his previous partner throughout their relationship too, she contacted me to apologise for never believing me and for causing grief throughout the years. Anyway despite all this she has decided to be amicable with the ex (i suppose for the sake of their children)

This has caused something and i'm unsure if it is jealousy or guilt within me. Am i doing it wrong should i all these years have forged a fake amicable relationship with my ex despite everything? The attempts i made early on always ended up with my exes temper flaring and this would make me retreat. I want to do best for my daughter, should i offer an olive branch now, part of me worries he will think this means i forgive him and his behavior which he has never admitted or apologized for. Or should i carry on how it is, things are by no means perfect but i don't want to make things worse for my daughter either.

Does anyone have a decent relationship with the father/mother of their child from abusive relationships? or is this the exception to the rule?

Inexperiencedchick Sat 26-Sep-15 20:14:39

One of my friends work colleague had/has very amicable relationship with her EXH to the extend that even at school no one knew that his parents are divorced. She does it for the sake of her son. Son old enough and recently understood himself that father is not that great.

It's depends on how well you can cope with it, I guess.

In any case, good luck.

Inexperiencedchick Sat 26-Sep-15 20:16:06

It depends, not it's depends. Phone typing...

MatrixReloaded Sun 27-Sep-15 00:04:54

It sounds like your current arrangement works just fine. There's really no need to expose yourself to abuse, and it's certainly not in your dds best interest. Your contact, or lack of it, doesn't affect her relationship with her dad.

Being amicable with an abuser normally means appeasing them.

BoldFox Sun 27-Sep-15 00:15:49

Just be distant. My x was abusive and like you it's 8 year since I left him. The difference is theough, I couldn't give less of a shit whether he thinks I've forgiven him or not. I think, to be honest, he believes that I am the one who needs his forgiveness!!! for having dared to leave him.

I have a rule that I go by. never ever communicate more than is necessary. If yyou are sending a text, pretend that every word costs five pounds.

BoldFox Sun 27-Sep-15 00:16:20

and who cares about his relationship with his most recent x! that's for them to worry about.

kittybiscuits Sun 27-Sep-15 04:54:02

The option you're considering doesn't really exist OP, because however amicably you behave, he will continue to be an abusive arse. If you are 'nicer' he will just take more liberties and react as if you 'owe him' and he deserves to be treated better. If he's lost a further relationship through his behaviour, he has clearly learned nothing. I would just aim to detach as far as possible. It takes two well-intentioned adults to put the child's needs front and centre in the way that you describe.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 27-Sep-15 06:42:16

Your ex and his ex may manage their relationship differently, but there's no guarantee it is any better than yours. After all, I expect you thought their partnership was better than yours until it ended and she confessed it had been pretty rubbish. It may just be that she puts up with more, or the dynamic may be different because of the number/age etc of the children involved. Plus it ended more recently so maybe she has still to learn the lessons you did about keeping him at arm's length.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 27-Sep-15 07:23:42

It won't be long before she discovers the folly of attempting to be 'amicable' with an abuser who will crush her into the ground as soon as look at her.

You, on the other hand, have the wisdom to know that your peace of mind depends on keeping your distance from an odious piece of gobshite who would do nothing but harm to you and yours if you let him.

The only enviable state here is yours ... keep it that way.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now