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Is it possible to meet the 'next big thing' straight after a marriage separation, or am I on the rebound?

(10 Posts)
GrammarTool Fri 25-Sep-15 14:19:34

I separated from my husband of 10 years ago in late June, then in early August I signed up to some internet dating sites 'for a laugh' (or so I thought at the time, although now I realise it was more to seek validation).

The very first man I started chatting to seriously, the first man I went on a date with, and the first man I DTD with blush is now occupying nearly all of my waking thoughts.

He is attractive, intelligent, kind and HOT lol. He has all of the nerdy qualities I like in a man, and is SO SO different from my stbxh. He's an academic, speaks 5 languages, and just does it for that part of me that likes brains in a man.

So, I don't know whether to trust this feeling I have about him?? Is it possible to find someone so soon after a breakup that has left me so devastated? Am i projecting something onto this new man that has nothing to do with who he really is? Am I just going gaga because he's African and exotic and I've never dated anyone non-Anglo-Australian before?

Sorry, this is a rambling post. i just need to know whether to:
A. Calm down, stop obsessing, stay celibate and give myself time to heal, or
B. Calm down, stop obsessing, and just enjoy the attentions of a hot-to-trot man with brains and other ahem non-academic skills

FredaMayor Fri 25-Sep-15 14:56:44

OP, you have rung the alarm bell yourself, which is good. You need time to assimilate what has been happening to you in these last months, so I would advise keeping relationships noncommittal and just enjoying your freedom. See where it leads further on down the road.

PoundingTheStreets Fri 25-Sep-15 15:13:15

This is why I think dating so soon after a break up is a bad idea. Lots of people approach it thinking they can just have fun, but because they're actually looking for validation - like you yourself have been honest enough to admit to yourself - they get sucked in to a new relationship (or hurt by rejections) before they've had time to really work out what they want.

The good news is that you're questioning things and seem more than a little self-aware.

As you're already involved with this man and because random chance doesn't care whether a suitable amount of time has gone by before two people meet, I'd say carry on rather than end it just because. But make sure you slow things right down, do not make any life-changing decisions, and watch his behaviour like a hawk for red flags.

And then just enjoy his other non-academic skills. wink

Lotsofponies Fri 25-Sep-15 15:15:55

I recommend B. You are aware that this could just be rebound, so just try to enjoy without investing too much emotionally.

pocketsaviour Fri 25-Sep-15 15:16:38

You've been seeing him, what, a month? You are currently thinking with your vagina grin For which I don't blame you in the least, but don't let your very enjoyable sex life lead you down the garden path into making extravagant declarations of love or foolish choices.

Enjoy it for what it is but don't assume this is TRU LUV.

TopOfTheCliff Fri 25-Sep-15 16:37:44

OP that all sounds very life enhancing and positive and I agree you should just enjoy it for what it is and not overthink things.

My take on this is that like pounding says, random chance may have thrown up a good match for you earlier than you might expect. My XH was still weeping and wailing after I left him then met a clever and pretty lady who is a better match for him than I ever was. He was embarrassed to have found someone only 3 months after I left him declaring undying love for me. Five years on they are still together and it seems to be working. Phew!

Crosbybeach Fri 25-Sep-15 16:41:03

My DH had been separated about a week when we met, in retrospect it was way too soon. But 10 years on we are still together. So, yes, it can happen.

But....I'd just take this for what it is and enjoy yourself!

Frecklesandspecs Fri 25-Sep-15 20:50:07

From a different perspective...Were you effectively living apart for a long time before the break up?
H and me have been living separate lives for a couple of years really. We sleep in different rooms, not really any love shared between us and we don't really evenntalk nowdays.
If this was the case for you, I'd be less inclined to say it was rebound.
However if breakup was sudden, I'd probably say yes.

category12 Fri 25-Sep-15 21:49:06

It's mostly a polyamory term, but I think it's really useful:- NRE (new relationship energy) or the infatuation stage. Enjoy it, enjoy the hell out of it, but don't rush to commit or plan too far ahead.

There's no need for this to turn into something super serious and the love of your life. But it might be. But there's nothing wrong with it if it doesn't work out that way either. Don't overthink it.

GrammarTool Sat 26-Sep-15 13:10:33

Thanks everyone- I think overthinking it is my main problem smile

The new man really is great, and I don't think it's just rose coloured glasses or NRE or purely lust or whatever.

I just have to calm down and enjoy I think!!

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