Help! Again,again!

[RitaOra2]

I have been living in an unhappy relationship for a while now, and was going to give it a year, but I am finding this increasingly difficult. I have just tried to speak to my H, he said he had no time to talk, but I told him anyway, that I was unhappy and did not want to be with him. He said that he thought we were trying to work things out and get back together via the counselling. However, we only had one appointment and have been on a waiting list ever since. In the one apt we attended, he basically slagged me off for an hour in quite an arrogant fashion, however the counsellor seemed quite keen on him, so maybe I just see it through thwarted eyes. He seems to be in to rubbishing me in front of the kids more than anything else at the moment. I was just taking my daughter to bed and she refused to clean her teeth, kept running away, hiding, shouting at me so I was very stern with her and said that if she did not clean her teeth by the time I had counted to 3 then I would cancel her weekend trip out. I repeated this a few times. So she runs to him and he says "Don't worry, let me take you to bed you poor thing", then says to me in front of her "Look at you, threatening a little girl like that".
So when I talk to him and say I am not happy and I don't want to sort thing out and be with him again, he is full of how awful I am to him and the poor children. I don't understand, if I am so awful and so slovenly, fat, stinky, ugly, a liar, a pig and a bully to him and the kids as well and an abuser in every sense, then WHY DOES HE WANT TO STAY WITH ME??

[donajimena]

Because his abuse is designed to keep you in your place. Have you read the pinned post at the top of this board?

[donajimena]

Oh and fuck the year. This isn't going to get any better..

[RiceCrispieTreats]

I am not happy and I don't want to sort thing out and be with him

This is all you need to know.
You don't need his blessing to leave.
You don't need to understand his logic.
You just need to honour your own needs.

[tribpot]

This is the guy who 'pulled a fist' in your daughter's face twice, which I understand to mean he pretended he was going to punch her and stopped his fist at the last minute. Twice.

Why the fuck are you debating why he is so mean to you and 'wants to stay with you'? (He doesn't want to stay with you, btw, he doesn't want to lose his emotional punching bag and/or have to admit you've 'won' by escaping from his power).

In June you were about to end it. Now you're giving it a year. Never mind why the fuck he wants to stay with you, why the fuck do you want to stay with him?

[LadyLu87]

Oh my God he's trying to turn your own kids against you. That's sick.

The reason he calls you all those things is because he is projecting. All the ugly things about himself, the abusive nature and the bullying, he projects away from himself on to you. And he is now teaching your children to believe that, as well as yourself.

Please don't let your children grow up thinking you're an abuser or that his way is the right way to treat people. And for your own sake you don't deserve that. You can't argue or reason with an abuser. They alter reality to match their own needs

Well done for making the move to leave. A huge first step and very brave. Stick with it

[RitaOra2]

I am only stalling because I will no doubt have to sell this house which my kids love and try to provide something not nearly so adequate. Neither of us have money, me a bit more than him, but in reality not enough for two homes. I am worried that I am putting my needs before those of the children.

[tribpot]

The damage done to your children of watching their mother put up with emotional abuse and threats of violence somewhat outweighs the damage done by having to move into a smaller house.

[LadyLu87]

She did say she told him she wants to leave. It often takes several jump starts to leave an abuser. Christ knows I left mine a thousand times.

But there needs to be a line. Mine was when he threw my 2 month old puppy several feet into the wall. My eyes opened. I didn't know he physically threatened your kids. Is that not your line?

Where is your line? I often find these things really very sad because of hurting a dog made my eyes open, I think going near a child is a whole other ball game and the abuser must really have their teeth into their victim for them to accept it. I think what I'm Trying to say is my abuser had his teeth well into me, but all it took was to hurt my dog and that was my wake up call. To threaten a child is an extreme so just how damaged is the victim at this point? My abuser really damaged me. But clearly not this badly. You need to find your line, your wake up call.

Sorry for rambling am tired :)

[LadyLu87]

And I agree- a nice house does not trump a happy none abusive household and extremely badly damaged children with skewed views on relationships. Children like me. You know the perfect example of a damaged abusive background. I'm not a normal adult. Bad sexual decisions. Bad relationship decisions. I could list you a million reasons why I am screwed up. Why I got into an abusive relationship that mirrored my mum and steps dads (by the way she killed herself in the end, she was 29, I was 13. I am now 28). That relationship led to me slicing my wrists. In hospital alone all night because didn't want to scare my family because of what my mum did. I am the outcome of an abusive household and this doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg.

My point being, if I had a choice, I would have lived in a box than gone through what I did, and still am going through.

I truly hope that you get strong and realise you deserve more

[RitaOra2]

I think my line was crossed a long time ago...it was when he pulled a fist at my daughter. Also, him telling them that mummy is an abuser, a liar and a pig, and when I ask him not to, saying that the children need to know. That is my line. I know its been crossed. And I know what I need to do. However, I find your help invaluable because I doubt myself constantly and think its a lot my fault. My friends don't know much, my mum cant help much because she has put up with my Dads nasty bullying behaviour all her life. Thank you. I know I am rambling too, I just need to know sometimes that I am not a complete cow by wanting to leave him. For some reason I feel that it is wrong of me for not continuing to try to sort things out. However, when I look back over the years I can only recall shit times, I keep trying to find a happy memory, but I cant???

[LadyLu87]

Oh Christ I remember that- the guilt. Fuck me the guilt. They are good at that. Mine would abuse me until I was done. But as soon as he sensed I was done there were the nice messages, the knocking on the door at 3am crying and begging. And I blame myself the whole time. Until my line was crossed. Gradually over time I was done but then he threw my dog. I think a combination of things. He had sex with me when he knew I didn't want to (I didn't know this was rape until recently and its very hard even though we ended about three years ago). He began to disgust me. Then he hurt my dog. And I was done. I left and I felt no guilt. But it took many many attempts. You will leave.It's just a matter of when x

[FadedRed]

There is no "sorting this relationship out".
There is nothing you can do to change this excuse for a man, so stop pretending you can, it is not your fault.
What you can and must do ASAP is to get yourself and your children away from him.

[LadyLu87]

Agree fadedred

[cozietoesie]

...him telling them that mummy is an abuser, a liar and a pig, and when I ask him not to, saying that the children need to know...

Dear Goodness.

[RitaOra2]

Thank you. I am seeing a solicitor on Monday. I am going to keep all this in my mind and it will keep me strong. xx

[LadyLu87]

Just keep posting. People will support you. They may be tough talking but sometimes thats what you need to hear and a lot of the women here, including myself, have been through it

[goddessofsmallthings]

When one of the parties is abusive couples counselling is NOT recommended and you're best advised to save your money and not attend any more sessions as it will only encourage him to find more reason to find fault with you

Are you working? Is your home jointly owned (mortgaged) or rented? And how old are your dc?

[BiggaBanga]

Hi,
You need to find your own strength - it is there, believe me - but you and your DC's need to get away from that abusive relationship. He's the pig and the liar. And whatever you do, don't look back. No regrets, no guilt. Blessings.

[AcrossthePond55]

You know you need to leave. Keep that solicitor's appt and in the meantime, make some tentative plans. Gather important documents, bank statements, etc.

You mention your mother being in an apparently similar situation. Would things be better or easier if she were to leave your dad at the same time and stay with you? I'm thinking in terms of childcare or sharing expenses.

[RitaOra2]

Are you working? Is your home jointly owned (mortgaged) or rented? And how old are your dc?

I am in my final year of teacher training - one of the many reasons why I need to sort myself out! So I am classed as a 'mature student'. He does not support me financially as I get a full loan/grant and we pay £1,000 each into the joint account every month. We jointly own the home, I put in a big deposit from selling my flat and parents help but I am not sure if that will get recognised! I've considered buying him out however I don't think with my current status the banks will allow it, plus the house has jumped up in value and there is about £200,00 equity. So the only good thing I can think of is that the least I will get is £100,00 which I can use to rent for the time being. To me it all sounds feasible (what do you think)? The kids are 8 and 11 and I think/hope that they will cope, the worst thing for them will probably be that we cant keep the pets if we rent. I feel extremely bad putting them through this but I do feel like I have found some strength now and its do-able.
He was up early this morning, already making remarks to the kids and trying to walk them to school. I know he is going to tell them asap that I don't want to be with him anymore and put all the blame on to me. I know he wont discuss it with me or inform them sensitively. I think I will try to get to them first and just tell them that we are separating because we don't make one another happy....Do you think that's ok?

[RitaOra2]

p.s. my Mum will not leave my Dad, she actually advised me before to get a sense of humour about my H behaviour! She is an amazing person who laughs of all sorts of verbal and emotional bullying from him towards her and anyone else in the vicinity. She tries to help me with my situation but she knows deep down that she has been a terrible example.

[MatrixReloaded]

You need to read the thread about parental alienation.

[cozietoesie]

Many landlords will permit the keeping of pets by responsible tenants by the way - although they may charge a 'pet deposit' to you against possible damage to the property. (Unless you were to have, say, Big Cats which would generally be a No No I'd have thought.) Don't rule it out.

Good luck on Monday.

[AcrossthePond55]

As much as possible, I'd try to keep things quiet. The less he knows about your plans, the better. But if you feel he won't tell the children in a balanced way, then I suppose you'd better. But remember that won't stop him from whispering poison in their ears. And I wouldn't tell them until you have a definite plan and a place to go.

[RitaOra2]

Thank you. However, I have no place to go and will not be able to afford to rent until the house is sold therefore I am going to have to be honest with them and manage it until then I suppose. TBH the atmosphere probably wont change much anyhow as its already bad!