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Anyone had to make that decision between going ahead with wedding or calling everything off?

(69 Posts)
ConfusedMuchly Mon 21-Sep-15 10:12:28

I really, really do not know what to do.

I love my finance and would miss him terribly if we were to split - but at the same time I'm tired of this relationship.

I'm tired of his moaning - I can never do anything right.

I'm tired of his lack of support - if I've had a bad day, I'm told I can't complain as he always has bad days. If I'm stressed out - I'm told "welcome to my world". If I'm tired I'm told "well I'm always tired ... " - everything is a competition.

I'm tired of the eggshells. If he's done something to upset me I've learnt not to mention it unless I'm prepared for a huge row. Therefore, it's often easier to just not mention it. He's ultra defensive. Last week I'd asked him to save me some dinner he'd made everyone as I was at work until 8pm. He 'forgot'. So when I got in I said (lightly, I didn't shout or confront) that I wish he'd have remembered as that meant that I had nothing for dinner as I'd specifcally not sorted anything out as he had said he would save me some. It could have ended there. It could have ended in a quick apology (from him!) but no - he went mental, flew up from the sofa, swore at me, told me "I'm not taking this fucking bullshit from you, I'll make you something now!". He then stormed off to shop (at 9pm! despite me asking him not to) and then came home and cooked a meal from scratch. It wasn't a 'nice' gesture, it was an aggressive "fuck you, look what you've made me do" response to me being a bit upset that I had no dinner.

I'm sick of the lack of concern. Things I'm concerned about I've learnt not to mention as he takes it as a personal attack. I'm sick of having nobody to vent to, nobody to talk to (unless it's something he specifically wants to discuss).

But on the flip side, we do have good times, and I do love him.

I'm torn between calling off the wedding and starting a fresh on my own (I reckon I'd miss him terribly and it scares me) or doing the easy thing and go ahead with the booked and planned wedding.

CocktailQueen Mon 21-Sep-15 10:16:06

CALL IT OFF. RUN AWAY NOW.

If he's acting like this before you're even married, then WTF is he going to become? He won't get any better, OP.

This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life. Is it? You can't even talk to him! He's supposed to be your best friend, and it sounds like he's treating you more like an enemy.

What do your friends and family think of him?

I reckon if you split up you might have a very pleasant surprise and realise how lovely life can be when you're not being pulled down by a critical, moaning, selfish, aggressive twat.

wideboy26 Mon 21-Sep-15 10:20:30

Trust me, it won't get any better once you're married. It'll get worse as this guy doesn't cherish you. I called off a wedding a long time ago for far less serious reasons.

Bananalanacake Mon 21-Sep-15 10:22:25

Definitely postpone/call off the wedding, stay with him if you think it will get better but he sounds aggressive.

JawannaDrink Mon 21-Sep-15 10:28:57

Run like the wind. How many signs do you need? If you marry him you will have a miserable life and it will be your own fault, because you have no end of warnings about how its going to be.

TPel Mon 21-Sep-15 10:38:35

I'm not sure how you can love anyone who behaves like this. I don't think he loves you. If he did, he wouldn't behave like this at all. I can't imagine my DH ever doing anything you describe.
Call off the wedding. It won't bring you any happiness. I think you know this though.
Good luck.

Skiptonlass Mon 21-Sep-15 10:38:38

Yup. Was engaged, called it off.

And mine wasn't even a bad 'un - nice guy, but we'd drifted apart a lot and I knew we'd make each other miserable.

Hardest thing I've ever done, but I didn't, and don't, regret it - never have. And more than one friend with an outwardly perfect life confided afterwards that they wished they'd done the same thing

You're getting clear signals. Leave now, before you sign up for a lifetime of this.

I'm now very, very happily married to possibly the nicest man on the planet ;) ( and my ex is in a relationship with someone who is perfect for him)

fuzzywuzzy Mon 21-Sep-15 10:45:06

Oh OP run run away fast.

For a few days discomfort I would certainly call the wedding off compared to a lifetime of this man. And most certainly a very traumatic divorce.

I would leave right now in your shoes.

I know several people who wished they had done just that instead of going ahead with a wedding they knew would lead to misery for themselves because everything was booked.

Artioo Mon 21-Sep-15 10:48:22

It sounds exhausting and lonely - that's not how it should sound when you're about to get married! Marriage means entering into a partnership with someone you can rely on and talk to, not someone you fundamentally can't talk to because they throw a strop and make you feel like shit at the drop of a hat.

Yeah, you'd miss him. But you'd get over that much more quickly than you'd get over years of miserable marriage.

Francoitalialan Mon 21-Sep-15 10:49:10

Only you can decide what to do. However, John Gottman, an eminent US psychiatrist has produced an enormous body of work to support his theory that there are clear signs which can be picked out in the interaction between couples, which accurately predicts whether their relationships will flounder or not.
One of the things he posits is that if you have the presence of what he calls The Four Horsemen, your relationship is doomed.
I'll find the info. But if you think it's you, run. Fast.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 21-Sep-15 10:49:52

Marrying this twat is in NO WAY the "easy option". You'll have increasingly bad feelings about it before the wedding, massive regret during the honeymoon, then months/years of misery before you eventually embark on a nightmarish divorce. And/or you'll have kids to add to the misery.

In contrast, calling it off only involves a row with him, confiding in your closest friends and family (who will be lovely, and probably say they'd always thought he was an idiot), maybe losing a couple of grand in deposits, and then you're all set for a happy future without him.

Francoitalialan Mon 21-Sep-15 10:50:22

www.azgrowth.com/4Horsemen.pdf

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 21-Sep-15 10:50:50

Have you got another thread about this man? Did you recently start a new job, involving shifts?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tied to someone you can't even talk to, let alone ask for support from? That's not what marriage is all about.

I'm sorry about the wedding, I know how scary calling it off must feel... but not as scary as living your whole life like this!

Do you have kids?

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 21-Sep-15 10:55:43

I was engaged and broke it off 6 months beforehand. I am so, so glad I did, even though I spent the next 2 years feeling miserable and lonely. Trust me, it was better than the alternative. I'm now happily married to a non-twat and we have 2 lovely kids.

This poem sums up the dilemma for me. Are the good times really good enough to make up for everything else?

Coat

Sometimes I have wanted
to throw you off
like a heavy coat.

Sometimes I have said
you would not let me
breathe or move.

But now that I am free
to choose light clothes
or none at all

I feel the cold
and all the time I think
how warm it used to be.

Vicki Feaver

elQuintoConyo Mon 21-Sep-15 10:58:17

He sounds like an arsehole. Could you really spend the rest of your life with an arsehole?

Run ---> that way lies happiness flowers

AnyFucker Mon 21-Sep-15 10:59:50

Marry him and sign yourself up for a lifetime of this ?

Your call.

CactusAnnie Mon 21-Sep-15 11:00:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 21-Sep-15 11:00:55

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What would you miss about him if you were to split?.

His are not the actions of a loving man towards you.

Also if you were to look at this more closely the good times you have shared are perhaps much fewer and further between now.

Are you really at heart simply afraid of being on your own?. You would be better off alone than to marry someone like him.

Do not marry this man under any circumstances; he is all too clearly showing you what he is really like and you need to take heed now. Marriage is not going to turn him into a nicer person; this is who he really is.

HoHeyChick Mon 21-Sep-15 11:01:00

Your gut instinct is screaming at you - listen. Yes it will be hard - but I would much rather be lonely and a bit miserable then spend the rest of my life living in fear being married to that twonk.

Badders123 Mon 21-Sep-15 11:05:16

Run for the fucking hills.

Cherrybakewells1 Mon 21-Sep-15 11:07:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nauticant Mon 21-Sep-15 11:09:32

I think so WhatsGoingOnEh. The information from that other thread would help other posters give advice here (and most likely turn it deafening).

TheHouseofMirth Mon 21-Sep-15 11:09:36

I'm assuming that you don't have children? If you are planning on having any I can assure you the competitive tiredness thing will only get 100 times worse.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants Mon 21-Sep-15 11:13:15

Run run run, you should take heed as he is showing you exactly who he is. He won't get better, it will only get worse.

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