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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Still in a relationship?

26 replies

CanalTrip · 20/09/2015 22:43

I met someone recently at an event. He lives about 50 miles away. Having a long distance relationship was something I wanted to avoid but we kept in touch and are arranging to meet up in a few weeks. He says he has been separated for 4 years (talks about being in the process of divorcing!)and in the meantime has had another relationship which ended a few months ago. We keep in touch by phone etc and all is good except he NEVER answers his phone. It always goes to voice mail and then he rings me 10-30 mins later. He has phoned very late evening but I have a sense he is still involved or newly involved with someone. I keep wavering about whether or not to go ahead with meeting him.

OP posts:

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Izzie595 · 20/09/2015 22:54

Any reason given for not answering the first time? Does it go straight to voicemail? What about replies to texts?

CanalTrip · 20/09/2015 23:06

No reason given and I haven't asked yet. Straight to voicemail but often just few minutes delay until phone back. Usually rapid text reply but once overnight silence and again no mention of reason.

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beaglesaresweet · 21/09/2015 01:37

does your number show, OP? I never answer witheld calls but obviously call back if there is a voicemail and I know who it was. Also it depends whether he's driving a lot/workng a lot. NOt in itself a reason to worry, but I would ask him about it and see if he gets flustered or not (I mean ask face to face).

CanalTrip · 21/09/2015 07:20

My number does show. Thanks, I will wait until I can ask face to face as difficult over phone and I don't enjoy skyping!

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Wotsitsareafterme · 21/09/2015 09:49

I would be quite wary about this. Odd patterns of contact are a red flag in my experience.

Happytuesdays99 · 21/09/2015 10:20

If its making you feel uneasy before you have even started, I would cut my losses.

CanalTrip · 21/09/2015 14:44

Thanks for your replies. I think the distance and the uncertainties together will make it difficult to sustain. I will try and clarify this issue with him but not optimistic.

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Wolknowsitall · 21/09/2015 15:00

CanalTrip. Just don't like the feel of this, something's not right. Voicemails and returns a call after 10-15 mins. He's playing games. Look closer to home, is my advice. You're worth more.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/09/2015 06:48

He says he has been separated for 4 years

The key words in the above are the first two as, from what you''ve said, not answering his phone suggests he may living with a woman who may or may not be his wife.

Have you checked him out on the electoral roll to see who else may be living at his address?

Where are you planning to meet up? Why not tell him that you'd like to meet up near his place so that you can have a look around his part of the world and maybe visit his local pub?

beaglesaresweet · 22/09/2015 11:04

but if he always answers within 5-10min I can't see how would that be done if he lives with someone. I don't think it will harm to meet him, but only if you think there are things going for him, OP.

beaglesaresweet · 22/09/2015 11:05

I mean calls back, not answers. They have a chat every time he calls back, so that would be impossible with a wife around, especially if OP calls at different times each time.

Wotsitsareafterme · 22/09/2015 18:55

I dunno. Does he shoot out with the dog to phone her?
My ex partner never put the ringer on his phone after hours - he ran his own business and was very stressed. Nothing dodgy going in there as I spent a lot of time st his house and with his dc but tbf he did pick up if the phone was next to him

CanalTrip · 24/09/2015 23:22

Planning to meet in a couple of weeks. Good plan about his local pub Goddess. Meeting in his area is next move if our fragile fledgling relationship survives the first visit. Don't know his full address yet! I wondered if he went out each time..... Will update!

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cozietoesie · 24/09/2015 23:33

It's possible that he can't hack the 'immediacy' of phone calls - some people can't do it in a private context and let everything roll to voicemail etc - and needs to gear himself up to use the phone.

If so, that in itself would present certain things to worry me though. You're quite right to discuss it with him in an open way.

CanalTrip · 24/09/2015 23:49

I did wonder if he needed a few minutes to get his thoughts in order, but then on another occasion he didn't reply until the next day and didn't offer an explanation. It seemed too early in the relationship to ask about it, but made me feel uncomfortable.

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cozietoesie · 24/09/2015 23:57

It wouldn't bode too well for me either, I confess. You're to mention it to him, though?

CanalTrip · 25/09/2015 00:10

Yes, I would like to do it face to face although it may all become clear before then.

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cozietoesie · 25/09/2015 00:20

Good luck either way.

Walkacrossthesand · 25/09/2015 07:45

I struggle with the 'immediacy' of mobile phone calls too - I really dislike phone chatting in public, and the expectation that I will stop whatever I'm doing, during a working day. I keep my phone on silent, I'll answer it if I see it ringing and am in a position to talk, but otherwise I'll call back. Sometimes immediately, sometimes it won't be for a few hours if I don't happen to notice (my iPhone can be erratic about displaying missed calls).
So, I wouldn't base my assessment on this - but then again, I'm not of the generation that grew up with mobiles.

BiggaBanga · 25/09/2015 22:01

CanalTrip,
Sorry to appear dismissive, but why are you bothering with this guy? From what you've written, something just isn't square. Please be very careful, and stay public.

CanalTrip · 28/09/2015 15:58

Thanks Walk I feel the same about phones but it's the pattern and a few of the background details that worry me. Thanks too cozie and Bigga I am starting to feel it is a non starter.

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CanalTrip · 06/10/2015 20:59

so the update..we met up for a few days. It was an enjoyable time, we did interesting things, talked a lot. He seemed very emotionally intelligent. Then, he announces he would like to move in, retire early, and act as stay at home husband!! It seems as if he has already tried this with another woman and it didn't work out. I suspect he has others he is working on closer to home explaining the unavailability on phoning. I have signed off.

OP posts:

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lalalonglegs · 06/10/2015 21:04

Bloody he'll, not that emotionally intelligent if he thinks he should announce that on a first date

CanalTrip · 06/10/2015 21:11

he has yet to perfect his technique

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 06/10/2015 23:25

Brilliant first date tactic there

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