Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Tonight dh and I had a row. I had moved some 18 rated video games which belong to dh out of the way of ds so he could not play them ..just before school started this term. I have previously moved them a couple of times and had initially today forgotten what I had last done with them as I have been away all week and it just wasn't in my head.
Dh asked me where they were and I said where I had last seen them ..true but didn't say I had moved them again as he would probably be quite angry that I had moved them at all. I was going to bring them in and just ' find them' nearby and ask him to keep them out of the way. I explained a couple of times they had been squashed behind the cabinet and underneath the cabinet and I wasn't sure if he had done that or maybe ds had seen or hidden them.
When ds came down, DJ started going on about how ' she has moved the games ' and she said it was you, ds' I said no, I just didn't know why they were in all different places and could they stay upstairs. Ds , initially joking, then started getting quite worked up and kept saying to me' swear you haven't moved them etc etc' with DH there going on as well, and I felt very intimidated by DH and if I now confessed to knowing where they were he would go ballistic and be angry toward me in front of ds so I just said I last saw them in the corner and wouldn't say more. DH meanwhile was getting more angry and just kept saying she's lying and ds was saying you are lying . Ds went off upset because I had ' lied ' and knew where they were or maybe was upset because DH was angry and this appeared to be my fault. Dh had gone out for five minutes and ds declared he wasn't speaking to me as I had lied and seemed upset which is very unusual , and I had to explain that they were unsuitable games for him and I hadn't really wanted a big discussion about it but had moved them for his benefit but would obviously return them to Dh. Dh came back in, still fuming and I asked him to just tone it down as ds was upset and for him not to have arguments in front of ds for no reason as it was unfair, and not to be so aggressive in his arguing towards me. I actually said to him, don't say another word about it or I will call the police. No idea why I even said that it just came out. I have never called 999 or even threatened to call the police in my life.
Ds wouldn't speak to me, he and Dh started watching TV quite normally and amicably and I then went into another room. I started wTching X factor but just started to feel overwhelmed and wanted to get outside so pretended I was popping to the shop. I got in my car and just seemed to be overwhelmed with sort of agitation and anxiety and started to cry out loud..not like normal tears but sort of panic loud tears . I was saying'I don't know' repeatedly and 'Oh dear' and drove off for a few minutes to calm down then realised I had nowhere to go and had to come back.
It was all really odd and the only time I have felt similar is when I was told my dad had died suddenly and I was so shocked. The feeling I had was I was just so scared of Dh..he didn't do anything but he has this unpredictable air and gets so angry especially when someone does something ' on purpose' And mainly towards me I just felt terrified. I know I hate conflict and don't tolerate it well and he didn't hit me or anything so I don't know how much was fear and how much was just overwhelming confusion that I hadn't done anything wrong and upset at feeling scared in my own home.Later Dh said I had 'behaved really badly ' by taking his possessions.
I can't fully process it all yet but if you can just give some thoughts I will be grateful. I reassured ds that the games were sorted and I moved them to prevent him playing with them one day when I was at work and have returned the games to Dh with instruction not to leave them lying around again. As usual, Dh has spent the rest of the evening joking with ds and I have been gutted. Please help me to make sense of all this.
As another small example, I accidentally made a hole in a laundry bag last week ironing on a name tag ..Dh had got it from e bay brand new for ds. I completely panicked, have not told Dh, bought another one and am still dreading when he finds out I have ruined it. What to do?
It's not normal to be living with this level of fear, panic and anxiety. From what you've said, it's sounds like your partner is emotionally abusive. If he is not physically abusive it's likely that he has the potential to be.
Could you call Women's Aid? They have a free 24hr helpline and can help you talk through the fear and confusion you're feeling.
Well re the games you were out of order, I would go nuts if somebody hid my games.
However it's glaringly obvious this goes beyond hiding rated 18 games from your post.
Wtf, the op was not out of order, she was moving the 18+ games to keep them out of sight of her underage son.
She didn't hide them on purpose, she just forgot where they were and panicked because her partner got so angry. That is not a normal reaction OP.
The games were moved in a last moment just as a temporary thing before leaving for work one morning and just put them in my car that minute. My intention being to bring them out of the car into the house unnoticed. Since I then forgot, and was away this week, I can see why he would be angry, but then when asked directly I didn't want a massive scene and knew he would go ballistic that I moved them at all.
For eg my youngest knows not to
Touch my games so I don't need to do anything with them. If my husband spirited them away to his car it would be slidey eyes all over the place.
Just how scared are you of your bloke OP?
Yes I thought if ds was home alone as he was for a couple of hours that day, he might well be tempted to play them.
"Just how scared are you of your bloke OP?"
Just read the opening post! It's obvious that she's terrified
<desperates hopes someone else will turn up to offer constructive advice>
But you were RIGHT to move adult games so that your underage son wpuld not see them or play with them , it's what any responsible parent would do. Your DH is conpletely out of order to keep them anywhere where they might be found by children.
Or you can teach your kids that some games are out of bounds
But this thread isn't about the games is it? And when the OP organises her thoughts, then things can be constructive.
Don't you understand gamerchick? Her partner has her so scared and confused that it's no wonder her thoughts aren't organised. Look up the effects of emotional abuse! Surely the best way to support the OP would be to help her organise her thoughts?
OP, in case I haven't made this clear: YOU WERE NOT WRONG TO MOVE THE GAMES. You made a small mistake in forgetting about them but this does not mean you deserve the anger your partner is directing at you. A normal man might be annoyed but would not make you afraid. An understanding partner would accept your apology. Actually a responsible father would keep the games out of sight in the first place.
How are my thoughts disorganised? That sounds a bit worrying.
I could have put the games back last weekend but since then have not been home, nor at all the week before. Dh was not home last weekend so didn't ask for them.
DH meanwhile was getting more angry and just kept saying she's lying and ds was saying you are lying .
So your husband was haranguing you and accusing you of lying and your son (what age?) whether through fear or just believing this was how a man should talk to a woman was saying the same.
In my house if this happened I would have said "how dare either of you accuse me of lying. Apologise immediately".
You had the reaction you did because you were intimidated, harangued, and you live in fear. Interesting that you say your dh does this mostly/only to you.
Your physical reaction was almost involuntary - right? Your body is trying to tell you that you are under immense stress and you need to do something fast.
talk to someone in real life. This isn't a normal way to live and your son is getting horrible and crystal clear instruction as to how he should behave in a relationship.
And to those who said they'd go mad if someone moved their games, if you'd go mad in the way the OP's husband did, then you have problems you need to address.
Another poster on another thread said something really good recently (Countess?) which was along the lines of your spouse is supposed to like you. He/she is supposed to be your friend.
Well as gamerchick said it maybe she could explain.. But I think you should ignore her tbh.
You did say that you're feeling confused and panicky. Would you be able to call Women's Aid and/or go and see a family member or friend to talk things through with them? I'm sure that would help massively.
My reason for posting this was partly due to my reaction in the car. I have no history of mental health issues in the past. I was talking sort of automatically saying I don't know I don't know I don't know and I was quite distressed and wanted to escape. It was really odd like I was dissociating or something..although I wasn't but it was odd.
I actually said to him, don't say another word about it or I will call the police. No idea why I even said that it just came out. I have never called 999 or even threatened to call the police in my life.
You said this because his aggressive verbal response to the minor piece of triviality that is the whereabouts of a few games was sufficiently pronounced to convince you that he would turn violent.
Your reaction in the car afterwards was due to the shock of him turning from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde in an instant and I have no doubt that your h's face and demeanour underwent a significant change while he was ranting at you.
Fwiw, you responded in exactly the right way as it resulted in him stopping his verbal abuse of you and you should not hesitate to say exactly the same words if a similar situation arises, and call 999 if he doesn't desist.
As for the laundry bag, could you not have simply patched or darned the hole instead of buying another? If the answer is that you were worried your h would notice it and berate you for doing something which the vast majority of us have done at some point when ironing, you need to look further at your obvious fear of him/his reaction - if I were castigated for doing something similar with an iron, whoever chose to point out my fault/clumsiness would find themselves tasked with the chore of ironing for evermore,.
Confused in that I didn't do anything wrong..not intentionally anyway. And it's all so unexpected.
"I was quite distressed and wanted to escape"
Listen to this. This is your instinct telling you what to do. Your instinct is right.
Your partner has conditioned you to suppress your true thoughts and feelings. But what happened was a trigger and something deep inside is telling you that enough is enough.
The laundry bag is made of thin material which melted under the iron and stuck to it. The only thing I can do is cut an entire section off and restructure the drawstring etc which I might do tomorrow.
OP do you think the laundry bag is important?
Yes I think if he finds out he will think I did it on purpose.
As said, your reaction was one of shock; when it comes to the fight or flight response, you choose to flee while others choose to square up.
But if you continually flnd yourself fleeing from your h's wrath, you need to examine your thoughts and work out why his anger produces this response in you and whether it's acceptable for him to terrify you as he can't be oblivious to your dislike of his displays of aggression.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.