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My close male friends wife accused us of wanting to be together

(294 Posts)
nancyfromthefarm Fri 18-Sep-15 00:41:13

I am absolutely reeling tonight having not long got back from dinner with a couple my husband and I are friends with. It is actually me who is close friends with the husband of the other couple although I always normally get on well with his wife. We met in our early 20's (we are all late 30's now) and quickly became very close. When we met we were both with our current partners the people we would go on to marry so were never single in all the time we knew each other. Once or twice while very drunk we talked about it, not getting together but that we probably would have if we had both been single when we met. We also laughed and said it was a good thing we weren't single as we would make a terrible couple and at least this way we would always stay friends and we just agreed not to go there. We could have got together if we really wanted to neither of us was even engaged at that time but we both loved our partners and felt we would be better as friends. I has been a fantastic and treasured friendship, we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things.

For the most part both our partners have accepted our friendship without issue and we all hang out together on occasion like tonight. My friends wife had her 1st baby in February and this was the 1st time we have all got together like this since the birth.

The Baby was with a relative overnight and so my friends wife let her hair down with a few drinks. Towards the end of the evening she was very drunk and agitated. My friend and I are both very interested in politics and so had been discussing the new labour leader as well as other things when she started in on us. She was speaking to my husband saying that they should just leave and let us get on with it, that she didn't want to be a gooseberry. She then said that the only reason my friend and I married who we did was because we hadn't met each other first and that we should just put everyone out of their misery by getting together.

I tried to reassure her and so did he but she was very worked up at this point. My husband said that we should just leave, my friend agreed and we did. My husband was a bit quiet on the way home, not angry but he has gone to bed. I have texted my friend and his wife is apparently sleeping now. I don't know what to think, it may be that she is just stressed with the baby but I am scared for what this could mean. I want to say to her that that isn't how we feel about each other, if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago and we didn't because we loved our respective partners.

I just need some advice or reassurance about this, will she be ok, is it likely to blow over?

Florene Fri 18-Sep-15 00:46:17

I'd be more concerned over how my husband was feeling quite honestly, and leave the wife to her husband.

Morro Fri 18-Sep-15 00:49:22

I'm finding the last part of your post a bit bizarre. The only reason you haven't shagged this guy is out of loyalty to your partner? So you do have feelings for him then?

nancyfromthefarm Fri 18-Sep-15 00:49:30

I think my husband is fine with it, we have been though that before years ago and he knows that there are things I love he just isn't into and to be honest he is glad that I can do those things with someone else from time to time and leave him alone. He also knows I love him.

I think he is just a but tired from all the drama that is all.

nancyfromthefarm Fri 18-Sep-15 00:53:22

Morro, perhaps it is worded wrong, I don't want to shag him in the very early days of our friendship when we were both just dating our spouses to be we had maybe some complex feelings for each other and we pretty much admitted to each other that we would have got together if we had been single but we loved our partners and promised just to be friends and even at that acknowledged that we wouldn't work out as lovers anyway which is true.

We do love each other but only as friends.

MatrixReloaded Fri 18-Sep-15 01:02:10

You acknowledge that if you were single you would have gotten together , therefore there's obviously some attraction. This is probably obvious to the wife and it sounds like after a few drinks she's said what she's been thinking. It also sounds like she felt her and your husband were excluded from this conversation hence the gooseberry comments.

I absolutely would not be happy to socialize with someone my husband would have gotten together with if he had been single. I would leave this alone and focus on your marriage and your husbands feelings.

springydaffs Fri 18-Sep-15 01:06:18

Oh dear. Out it came when she was pissed sad

It's not looking good if I'm honest. She doesn't like your friendship and that's that. I don't blame her tbh - because I'm one of those who believe opposite sexes can't be close friends, at least one of them wants something more. I know, I know, people swear blind it's possible and I have to concede to that. But it isn't my experience.

I don't know what you can do - talk to her, just you and her? If she can't hack your friendship then it has to go I'm afraid: if it's a case of he has to make a choice it'll have to be her sad

nancyfromthefarm Fri 18-Sep-15 01:10:24

It isn't as clear cut as that matrix, we just really really liked each other. We were in the same circle for a while before we really talked and I didn't fancy him nor he me prior to us getting to know each other well. We kind of fell in love a bit but in the same way I did with my closest female friend only I'm not gay so no confusion there. Our attraction to each other came from our friendship it was merely a by product of us liking each other and being opposite sex, it was our friendship that was important.

They weren't really excluded but admittedly it isn't something his wife or my husband take much interest in, normally we are careful not to get into that sort of thing when we are together but we couldn't help ourselves.

I will be very sad if I lose my friend over this but of course if its an issue I would take a step back.

Investmentspaidout Fri 18-Sep-15 01:12:53

Members of the opposite sex can be friends but the way your post is written it is so obvious you could be together and you are proposing to actually tell her to her face and confirm what she is suspicious of.

Your friendship is too hard due to underlying feelings and unrequited love is the one to actually fear.

nancyfromthefarm Fri 18-Sep-15 01:14:15

Well she has had 15 years to object to our friendship and she hasn't ever before so why would it now be such a major issue.

nancyfromthefarm Fri 18-Sep-15 01:17:15

No I wouldn't actually tell her that we ever talked about it but part of me would like to say we totally could have done that and didn't because we valued our romantic relationships with other people much more than the temporary attraction we felt at the start of our friendship.

Also I have no idea what you mean by unrequited love.

ToGoBoldly Fri 18-Sep-15 01:22:36

There is any number if reasons that she migth suddenly be objecting - she may be feeling vulneravle with the new baby, or her husband might have become a total bellend since the baby was born and then plays bigwig politico ina highbrow conversation with your when you come along, she may have only noticed for the first time how cosy you seem to be...she may have noticed before but needed the dutch courage and the excuse of being a hormonal new mum to confront you about it...

Whatever her reasons, you sound like you were both insensitive then (it sounds like she was frozen out) and unsympathetic and unempathetic now. I would back away.

ToGoBoldly Fri 18-Sep-15 01:26:13

" we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things."

Your husband and his wife probably pick up on this. If my partner gave me the impression that I was not sufficiently intellectually stimulating for them, I'd first feel hurt, and then feel they were being a condescending dick.

HeteronormativeHaybales Fri 18-Sep-15 01:27:19

On the fence here. <helpful>
I don't think you and he are unreasonable (I know, not AIBU) to be friends, to enjoy each other's company and intellectual stimulation, nor even to have had some feelings of attraction at the beginning of your relationship. I don't believe there is always only one person with whom someone could be happy. What matters is what/how you live. The fact is you each chose your respective partners and have maintained a 15-year friendship without either of you getting inappropriately involved with the other.
This said, I think it's only human for your spouses to have misgivings about your friendship. You ask why now? There may be things going on in your friend's relationship which have made her feel insecure - the period after the birth of a baby, especially a first, can be very hard on a relationship. She is presumably feeling tired and vulnerable.

If you are a friend to your friend (iyswim) you should be a friend to his marriage. IIWY I would tell him you will be taking a step back for a bit and advising him to talk to his wife and listen to how she is feeling, about this and (perhaps even more importantly) in general. This doesn't have to mean the end of your friendship, but these feelings/concerns need addressing or they will fester. And it doesn't sound as if the wife is being unreasonably possessive, but rather as if she might have been struggling with this for a while.

nancyfromthefarm Fri 18-Sep-15 01:28:34

I am sorry if we froze her out, up until she started shouting she appeared to be in converstation with my husband.

We didn't freeze her out and as I said I do appreciate about how she might feel as a new mother but we have all known each other for a long time with no complaints (she has been very drunk in my company before). It isn't like I am always about I've seen nowhere near as much of my friend since they had their baby which as it should be. Would be shocked if my friend was suddenly a bellend he is a great guy.

ToGoBoldly Fri 18-Sep-15 01:33:31

People are often great guys and great gals to everyone in the world except their partner, especially when obstacles like babies come along. Not necessarily the case here but it is not outside the realm of possibility.

nancyfromthefarm Fri 18-Sep-15 01:35:46

Thank you for your response haybales this is kind of what I suspected that she is in a different state of mind since the baby. I have very much taken a step back since the baby and to be honest we always tried to be respectful of each others relationship and in not always being in contact or seeing each other.

I am willing to remove myself further if it will help but I'd be very upset, angry even if I lost my friendship over her feeling irrationally posessive if as you suggest she has been struggling with it for a while. I am no threat to her marriage.

nancyfromthefarm Fri 18-Sep-15 01:38:22

ToGoBoldly, perhaps that is true but she is a very strong woman and so I don't see how she would have stuck with him if he was bellend. The other possibility is that it is just since the baby was born and that they have had trouble. If that were the case he would have told me.

ToGoBoldly Fri 18-Sep-15 01:45:30

I wouldn't bank on either of these things. Plenty of strong women stick with poor partners, particularly if they are feeling vulnerable when a baby comes along and they start getting chinks in their armour. And he may not tell you about all marital issuses, particularly if, as you say, you have been keeping a distance since the baby.

I don't think it's fair to be angry at her. Like the pisters above say, it's important to work on your own husband rather than getting analytical about their marriage.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Fri 18-Sep-15 01:47:23

She was very drunk - easy to do when you've just had a baby, and probably hadn't had much alcohol for a year or more. Women feel vulnerable when they've just had a baby. I expect she'll feel mortified in the morning, but I think you'll have to recognise that these feelings have been bubbling for a long while, and were just blurted tonight - rather than a result of only what went on tonight.

You also seem more concerned with their relationship than your own - you have minimised your own husband's feelings here. He was quiet and has now gone to bed, and you're thinking nothing of it. This will sound cruel maybe - but I wonder if you and your friend rather enjoy having each other - the wonderful 'what could've been' relationship, and having your respective spouses hanging on in the background - chatting to each other because they're being ignored by you and your friend.

houseoftea Fri 18-Sep-15 01:48:51

Ok so I get it, you love your husband, he loves his wife blah, blah, blah. The real issue here is you also love each other, you share parts of yourselves with each other your partners don't and can't. You dismiss your attraction to each other but you are merely repressing it which often intensifies such feelings. I know you want to believe its all innocent but it really isn't. You are both ripe for falling into bed together, I am only amazed it hasn't happened already.

houseoftea Fri 18-Sep-15 01:52:21

It seems obvious really you both made a mistake and married the wrong person, very sad especially with a baby involved, the genie is out the bottle now and I don't expect this issue will go away.

Sunshineandsilverbirch Fri 18-Sep-15 01:54:34

Speak to your husband, honestly about your behaviour tonight. Ask if you were excluding them from the conversation because to be honest it sounds as if you were.

You never know what is going in inside someone else's relationship regardless if how close you are. Especially after something that causes such a seismic shift as having a child.

They may be struggling, having a baby massively changes a relationship. Some men find the loss of their wife's focus on them very difficult. He may have complained that she only talks about the baby now. She may feel self conscious about changes in her figure. Sex life might not be quite back on track. Lack of sleep alone can send both parties a bit loopy. You have no idea what their life is like now.

You said you'd step back if it becomes a problem? It's already a problem.

You need to step back.

Perhaps only temporarily, but you need to step back.

You need to call her tomorrow and apologise sincerely for upsetting her/excluding her and you don't say one negative word about her to her husband or anyone else.

It also sounds as if you need to focus in your DH a bit more. He was a bit quiet and then went to bed? I don't know your DH of course but that screams hurt/angry to me.

All that drama in the restaurant and you didn't ask him how he felt? Did you just rant about her all the way home?

I don't mean to be harsh, it doesn't sound like you were being deliberately cruel but it does sound like this relationship has crossed a line.

You should give this a lot of thought. If stepping back is something that upsets you so much that's an indication of how far over the line you are.

Your friend may be important to you but he owes his loyalty to his wife and child.

Sunshineandsilverbirch Fri 18-Sep-15 01:57:45

X-post if that were the case he would have told me

Don't you hear how incredibly out of line you are? Any potential marriage difficulties they may be having are in no way your business.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Fri 18-Sep-15 02:06:07

Plus - it's not actually your place to say you're not a threat to their marriage. You may well be - she's just had a baby, she's feeling vulnerable, probably tired, the baby taking most of attention. Then you and your friend have this longstanding 'will they-won't they' sparky-warky friendship. It's going to piss her off. And your husband.

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