Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Let's hear it for the good guys out there

(47 Posts)
Mrskeats Wed 16-Sep-15 11:29:56

There are so many threads on here about men that treat women terribly so I wanted to share my story.
I was previously in an EA relationship for 18 months which ended horribly. I have also been divorced and ended a four year relationship after that.
However my new man has completely altered my view of men. He is amazing; kind, thoughtful, intelligent, emotionally open and the last fee months have been incredible. Let's share our stories of the great men out there as they are around if somewhat hard to find

LadyLu87 Wed 16-Sep-15 12:16:34

From my experience I have had a lot of hurt in my life which was down to men. However like you say there are some good ones too : not every man is an arse! I'm currently single but have some fabulous amazing male friends who would do anything to help me, in a heartbeat. Not so much a story haha but that's my experience. Perhaps I pick the wrong ones for relationships but certainly picked the most amazing ones for friendship

HappyGirlNow Wed 16-Sep-15 12:22:52

I have also had bad relationships before and am now happily married, love and like muy husband very much...

But I'm reluctant to confidently declare anyone a 'good guy' as people can change and do bad things or show their true colours many years into a relationship! I certainly wouldn't confidently declare that after only a few months with them...

LadyLu87 Wed 16-Sep-15 12:37:56

Happy I couldn't agree more!

Mrskeats Wed 16-Sep-15 12:53:10

Well no I agree but the signs are very good.
It feels very very different this time
My last relationship scarred me and he was also physically abusive and intimidating at times so this takes some getting used to
I am living with new man and its idyllic and calm. I don't do well with drama

HappyGirlNow Wed 16-Sep-15 12:58:48

Sorry I don't mean to be tooooo cynical grin

LadyLu87 Wed 16-Sep-15 13:02:51

That's great mrskeats that the signs are good. All I would recommend (from personal experience of dive bombing into new relationships and putting all my hope into them, especially after my abusive relationship too, where I always got badly hurt) is:

-Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Do as you are doing, watch the signs
-Just wait and watch and take it slowly
-Enjoy it and take your time

Sorry for unsolicited advice but its well meant. I have done it too many times where I am nothing but rainbows hearts and flowers only to come crashing down. But you know your own situation and its really great that the signs are good! Enjoy it you deserve a good man after an abusive one. Christ knows I remember my abusive one all too well

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Wed 16-Sep-15 13:03:32

Mrskeat new man of a few months and living together. .?

LadyLu87 Wed 16-Sep-15 13:05:35

Oh I missed that, how many months?? shock

Mrskeats Wed 16-Sep-15 13:09:07

Only a few but we had our reasons. smile)
I'm not used to a relationship that just goes along without even a cross word
Not that I'm complaining obviously
I wasn't intending on getting involved after the last time but it just kind of happened
All my family and friends also think he's great and he has a good relationship with his family which I always feel is a good sign

LadyLu87 Wed 16-Sep-15 13:18:01

That's a little concerning as its very early to live together. But you are able to make your own choices just be very careful. Don't put all your eggs into it. Have you known him long? A lot of people on here say that a man can usually keep the 'nice side' from anything from 2 months to 6 Months or more before showing an abusive side so please be careful smile Sorry to seem like I'm putting it down but just please be careful

TopOfTheCliff Wed 16-Sep-15 13:20:51

Good for you MrsK and I share your incredulity at how lovely a good DP can be after an abusive marriage. I am lounging in bed with a lurgy and DP has been bringing me coffee and cake and coming up to chat without any criticism or reference to me being a lazyarse Mumsnetting all day
I have to pinch myself that this is real and he is such a nice guy.

summerwinterton Wed 16-Sep-15 13:37:30

Have you done the Freedom Programme? I think a new full on relationship is a big red flag and you should be very careful.

Whitechocolatetoblerone Wed 16-Sep-15 13:59:17

I hear you.

My ex was just absolutely awful. Extremely emotionally abusive, very nearly physical a couple of times. He was critical, patronising, whingy, hugely derogatory and degrading and just, urgh. I literally still have nightmares and had low self esteem for quite some time after we split up.

I now almost have to pinch myself as my DP is lovely. Kind, supportive, calm, measured, amazing in bed, absolutely gorgeous and dotes on me. He gives without expecting anything in return, a concept my ex was entirely unfamiliar with!

I do echo the others though, hopefully your new guy continues to be amazing, but I too would be taking things slowly and enjoy getting to know each other.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 16-Sep-15 14:00:34

I am with Happy and Lady , sorry. (I too think you moved in together too soon. Can you keep your finances separate for a while until marriage?
I am glad for you that you got out of bad relationships, well done.

But, ummm, you might be jumping the gun in thinking a three month relationship is your Holy Grail. It is taking a Lot for granted and at face value, iyswim.

The real him can be kept hidden. Six months as said above is true...my experience was two years (!). The fact your family/friends think he is great is not really something you should bank on either. The one I was with performed to the audience--but privately: gaslighting, EA, beginning physical abuse: nasty.

There are milestones that can reveal the truth as you go along no matter how much time has passed. I am thinking about the men who are great up until the woman gets pregnant, then goes crackers at the change of lifestyle (or the Maddona/Whore thing). Or serious illness: my cousin's dh divorced her because of her medical diagnosis (MS), yes, really.

I say to enjoy the present. But be careful not to develop expectations for the future.
And...
And please, when your gut pings that something doesn't add up, please don't dismiss it because he was so great before (or he is just tired/drunk/stressed etc etc).

Drew64 Wed 16-Sep-15 16:27:43

So I guess we are not going to get to hear about the 'Good guys out there' as in the thread title.

Why post negative comments on a thread that is meant to be positive. If there is one thing I hate it's negativity!

Alittlecurious Wed 16-Sep-15 16:43:34

It's not negative, it's fact. You don't know someone after a few months.

Drew64 Wed 16-Sep-15 16:46:30

Then it's a negative fact!

My wife moved in with me after only a few months, that was 20 years ago!

They are still negative posts from negative posters!
Let's hope for OP's sake that we hear from some posters with a more positive outlook.

CanalTrip Wed 16-Sep-15 16:52:55

The good guys....... I spent several of my teenager years in a relationship with a really good guy. We split up because of geographical separation but kept in touch intermittently over the years and I still respect him although more like a family member now.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Wed 16-Sep-15 17:00:03

In the spirit of the thread, I too have a lovely DH. We are going through a hard time at the moment and he's absolutely solid in his support of me. He's handsome, loyal, generous and 100% on my side. I luffs him grin

Also, we got together as teenagers, declared love at 4 months, got engaged at 8 months. We have survived living apart, having no money, moving away and me having a life threatening illness. We've been together 12 years now

OP there's a big difference in jumping in blind and taking a cautious leap of faith. It's too easy to be too worried to try again (I am yet another with a physical and emotionally abusive ex) but there are nice men, and they deserve a chance too star

LadyLu87 Wed 16-Sep-15 17:05:10

Please don't presume that I am negative, or other posters. People are allowed to show concern and that is my right and theirs also. That doesn't make us 'negative posters'.

Drew64 Wed 16-Sep-15 17:11:47

Please read the thread title "Let's hear it for the good guys out there"

No where in the OP did it ask for anyone to show their concern! In fact the thread asks the following;

"Let's share our stories of the great men out there as they are around if somewhat hard to find"

Have the NEGATIVE posters read this sentence?

It's such a shame that some of you feel the need to hijack a happy thread with warnings of impending gloom and doom. Hey, maybe you are not happy unless you think that way, fair enough. spend your energy on another thread that deserves your negative comments.
Not this one!

whattheseithakasmean Wed 16-Sep-15 17:13:38

To add to the positivity, I have been with my DH for 25 years, married for 22 and he is lovely, kind, good and strong. He has suffered horrendous losses and it has never made him bitter or cruel - he is one of the most compassionate and non judgmental people I have ever met and he is my total rock.

Mrskeats Wed 16-Sep-15 17:34:21

Lovely to hear positive stories from others.
I think it's easy to get a skewed perspective by reading this board as people only tend to post when they have a problem.
He too has had hard times in the past and I think that this has made us both aware of how you should value and protect your relationship.

Mrskeats Wed 16-Sep-15 17:34:56

And thank you Drew64!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now