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I can't orgasm with DH or anyone I have ever been with? sorry for TMI, but whats wrong with me?

(16 Posts)
ThisCantBeRight Tue 15-Sep-15 09:00:13

I promise I am not a troll. I have been on here for years but I have name changed for this as I am mortified and I have never told anyone. I am 37 and been having sex since I was 16, I have been with quite a few people, and I have never, ever had an orgasm either during sex or foreplay

From 20 - 28 I was with exH who was, tbh, absolutely shit in bed, he was selfish and also inexperienced, I was the first woman he had been with. I was bored of him in every way and when we split up TBH I couldn't wait to start seeing new people as I thought I would finally get some decent sex. And find out what it was like for a man to actually make me orgasm

When I got with DH it was amazing, I had never had sex like it and although I didn't come I thought I would get there eventually but I have been with DH for 8 years and still haven't. Its not that I don't fancy him, I fancy him and love him like mad, he is absolutely gorgeous. He is really giving in bed and I usually get near but can never actually come sad but I know I can because I can do it on my own, again sorry for TMI. And I usually fake it tbh as don't want to hurt DH feelings or seem crap in bed

It makes me feel so jealous that in all likelihood DH's ex partner's have probably all had orgasms with him and that makes me think I must seem rubbish in bed compared with them. Which actually, thinking about it puts pressure on me (from myself)

What is wrong with me? I feel like an absolute freak. I used to think it was the men but I think its clearly me.

gamerchick Tue 15-Sep-15 09:02:06

The only thing wrong with you is you're faking it. What on earth for?!

If you can get there yourself then you know you can. Have a chat with your dude and experiment.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 15-Sep-15 09:03:19

When you orgasm by yourself, what do you do that's different? You might need to use sex toys to help yourself along, rather than just relying on penetrative sex or whatever else DH does for you.

You're not alone, btw - one of the most helpful things I ever read was Shere Hite's book on women, that said 70% of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone.

ThisCantBeRight Tue 15-Sep-15 09:23:09

Gamerchick I fake it because I don't want DH to be hurt or think I am crap in bed...which is stupid I know because it will just make things worse.

Thumbwitchesabroad We have even used a vibrator before and I still couldn't. I know a lot of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex but I can't even come from "other stuff" ....Also I get self conscious that I am taking too long if he is say going down on me

Its not fair why is it so easy for men to come! Sex must be amazing for them envy

LoisPuddingLane Tue 15-Sep-15 09:44:49

You say you can do it yourself, so can you do that while he plays with you?

What stands out for me is that you say And find out what it was like for a man to actually make me orgasm. Whilst it's great if they can do that, don't rely on it. Do it yourself. Ask him to watch.

Misnomer Tue 15-Sep-15 09:51:31

It could be a type of performance anxiety. The more you are aware that it's not happening and it should and dp would feel crappy if he knew you don't and you feel crappy because everyone else can but you
- then the harder it can be to actually get there. It's such a psychological thing.

Keeptrudging Tue 15-Sep-15 10:01:30

Try a Magic Wand, it's different from a vibrator & was a revelation to me (same issue). I think it is much harder for some people, not helped by an expectation that you should be having them at the drop of a hat - a lot of it is psychological, but I do wonder if there are differences anatomically/sensitively which affect this?

LucySnow12 Tue 15-Sep-15 10:43:06

Since I was little, I've been masturbating by rubbing against a pillow. When you do this, you are rubbing against the clitoris which is a woman's most sensitive erogenous zone. Maybe try and see if that works for you. When I'm with H, I can O by rubbing against his erection. Also when I am laying flat on top of him so that my clitoris is getting lots of friction. I would experiment alone and then incorporate that into sex with your H. I also have a lot of fantasies playing in my mind - that's what works for me.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 15-Sep-15 11:03:47

you are rubbing against the clitoris which is a woman's most sensitive erogenous zone

It's odd you feel a need to explain that to, presumably, a bunch of other women. We kind of know that.

BartholinsSister Tue 15-Sep-15 11:27:26

Just to clarify Keeptrudging's post, a Magic Wand isn't merely a black stick with white ends, it's a proper sex toy !

LoisPuddingLane Tue 15-Sep-15 11:29:30

hahahah!

Connorthemonkey Tue 15-Sep-15 11:37:45

Sounds like the performance anxiety is getting to you in your head. I was like this throughout my 20s - I wanted to cum quickly to impress the man and show them I was having a good time, could never relax during oral as I thought that they would get bored unless I came quickly so I faked it. It's only in the last couple of years (mid 30s) I can now orgasm with my partner most times. You need to take the pressure off yourself, be less focused on the orgasm and try to enjoy it without worrying about wanting to cum. I would start with honesty and conversation about it and try to work up to Making yourself cum in front of him. Perhaps next time you are on your own try to fantasise about him watching you and how that would feel and if you enjoy it as a fantasy try it in real life?

JustSaying71 Tue 15-Sep-15 12:17:52

Hi I??m new here, just looking over the various posts and wanted to comment, advice on this one, ??ThisCan??tBeRight??. Sex toys to achieve orgasm have already been suggested. The specific suggestion I??d make is that you use a small, bullet vibe on your clit whilst your partner is inside you. Experiment with the vibe whilst masturbating first. Obviously the use I??m suggesting can??t be done in all positions. The best one we??ve found is when my fella takes me from behind I reach back between my legs and use the vibe, whilst supporting myself on my elbows. This gives double stimulation: clit and virginal. The resulting orgasm is kind of like inevitable; and it just completely addles the brain in my experience. The advantage of a small vibe is that whilst they are now powerful, they aren??t big and obtrusive. Therefore, you still have the intimacy and it doesn??t feel as if really the toy is the real issue. You??re still having sex first and foremost with your partner, the vibe is just an accompaniment, albeit an important one. Just to be clear, the pleasure of cock and vibe blends, it isn??t that you primarily feel the vibe and reach orgasm through that.

JustSaying71 Tue 15-Sep-15 12:19:46

Like I said, I'm new and didn't realise that copying and pasting from W messes up the text!

ThisCantBeRight Tue 15-Sep-15 17:58:04

Sounds like the performance anxiety is getting to you in your head. I was like this throughout my 20s - I wanted to cum quickly to impress the man and show them I was having a good time, could never relax during oral as I thought that they would get bored unless I came quickly

Yes connor definitely, when I met DH he thought I was so sexy and great in bed (LOL) because the sex was so good I just wanted it constantly and that really turned him on. So I wanted to make him think I could come really quickly as I figured that made me even sexier

But it is definitely performance anxiety

Cherrybakewells1 Wed 16-Sep-15 17:58:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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