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Relationships

So how do you actually end a marriage?

52 replies

Asleeponasunbeam · 13/09/2015 20:51

I probably need to.

I don't feel loved, cherished, wanted. I don't think the DC (6&3) feel it from him either. He barely speaks to them really.

He's rarely unkind (although has been today as I've been ill and he hates it). If ever I've raised any issues between us in the past, it's turned round to being my fault, my mental health (which is fine), me overreacting.

I can't be bothered with writing details right now. But if I do decide to leave, what on earth do I do? I don't know if i can cope with the organisation required. That's what DH does do for us - organises finances and paperwork.

I work FT. We have a joint mortgage. I would want/ need to move in with my parents for a while with DC.

Is this all just impossible? Should I just go back to putting up with it all because it's not really that bad. I couldn't prove 'unreasonable behaviour' or anything - he just doesn't love me, or doesn't show it. I don't want anyone else. Just to be myself.

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pocketsaviour · 13/09/2015 21:10

I don't know if i can cope with the organisation required.

If you're mentally and emotionally mature enough to raise children, you can certainly cope with paperwork :) It's very common to hear men telling their wives "I'll deal with all that love as it's not really your strong point, is it?" and then the wife starts to believe it's some horribly complicated mess. It's not.

Start gathering the information you need. How much mortgage is left? How much is the house roughly worth, therefore how much equity (value minus mortgage) is there? What is your H's salary, does he have a private pension? Value of any cars or other properties held between you?

Make some appointments with local solicitors who offer free half hour consultations. Make several, so you can see what different people advise, and see who you like.

If you think the split will be fairly simple, e.g. sell the house and split the equity, and you're happy with the amount he offers for maintenance, then your solicitor can guide you through doing most of it yourself, which will keep costs down, if that's an issue.

Don't make a move out of the marital home until you've seen a solicitor. Depending on his salary and the equity, it might be more advantageous for you to stay in the house with the DC and he moves out.

BTW there's probably dozens of unreasonable behaviour examples you can give, if you want to go down that route rather than just wait for 2 years separation. "Refused to look after DC when I was unwell" for example. "Called me a lazy bitch because I asked him to make tea for the DCs." "Never tells me he loves me." "Doesn't interact with the DCs."

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Asleeponasunbeam · 13/09/2015 21:14

Thanks. See, your second paragraph terrified me so much I had to stop reading. I don't know about any of it.

I have a first class degree and a good job. But can no longer manage household paperwork.

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Justaboy · 13/09/2015 23:33

If your sure it is all over and theres nothing that can be put right the advice to see a solicitor is a very good one. I've just been thru a divorce and its not pleasant but if you really think you should. It, at your stage with young children, you will come off financially better as the court will take the needs of the children into account more than all else!.

Have a read of this site its written by Jermy Bamber whose a leading authority on divorce in the UK. These days collaborative law is very much in fashion the old adversarial argument system is on the way out which is a good thing for all concerned. In fact i was very impressed with my wife's solicitor seemed like a second mum to her rather than the feminazi i though she would be. Anyway we had a win win result which is a bit rare

You could try relate to see if counselling might help it didn't me but it has others and they are very good at that. But he has to want to co-operate and many men don't think here is anything wrong in them it their attitudes and that coming from one.

Least give it a try there might be something wrong with him or a phase in life he's going thru and many times men are the worlds worst at communicating their thoughts and feelings with Anyone let alone their nearest and dearest!

Anyway best of luck and i really hope it does work out for you and the children.

www.divorce.co.uk/

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cozietoesie · 13/09/2015 23:41

Oh you would be able to manage it fine - why shouldn't you? Smile You'll likely just have developed different 'modes' so that you do certain things at work and don't do them at home. As an almost academic exercise, is there any chance that you could take some of the house paperwork into work, stay there an extra half hour and go through it there? (Just to check it. Wink)

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 02:31

If I leave it, I'll soon start thinking I'm just making it up, it was PMT or I'm depressed, it's not so bad, it's normal, he's just stressed, it'll improve when the DC are older...

So leaving the home is a no no? I wouldn't be able to sort it from here. No time or support.

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 08:32

Here we go. In the cold light of day, I'm telling myself I was just being over sensitive/ annoying. Someone saying something unkind is not a reason to LTB. I'm just feeling ill. This will get better, things will change. We're trying to move house and of course it will all be perfect there...

But it's when I'm ill (or pregnant) that I notice it the most because I'm not able to be bright and bouncy and relentlessly cheerful to make up for it. I think. And I notice that he doesn't ask how I'm feeling or offer anything emotionally.

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category12 · 14/09/2015 10:17

Are you happy? Does the thought of him coming home or going home to him make you smile?

He's not a loving father. Personally I think it's worse and damaging to have an emotionally absent parent living with you ignoring you, than for that parent to be wholly absent.

Why settle for a life that isn't that bad, when you could be happy?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2015 10:30

Would you want your children to continue growing up in a household with their dad being emotional absent (as well as being emotionally abusive to you). Is this what you want to teach them about relationships, that a loveless marriage is their norm too?.

Do not do any joint counselling with this man, its never recommended where there is any type of abuse within the relationship.

You can do paperwork but he's probably ground you down enough into thinking that you cannot do anything without him. Seek legal advice for your own self, knowledge after all is power!.

Womens Aid would also be worth having a chat with - 0808 2000 247.

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 10:33

No, those thoughts don't make me smile.

But the thought of hurting him does make me cry.

I do think it's damaging, particularly for DD. My father left for OW when I was 8. I didn't have the therapy I needed for 30 years, once it was far too late to reclaim that childhood.

I don't know how to find the energy to have the conversations, and then to deal with the aftermath. Moving, leaving my (new!) job, change of lifestyle.

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category12 · 14/09/2015 11:00

You might find it's a weight lifted and you have more energy once you do it. I know I did. More focus, more joy in life, not being dragged down and my motivation sucked from me.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2015 11:04

"But the thought of hurting him does make me cry".

Why?. That needs further thought.

Such people like this man are incapable of feeling hurt; they do not care about hurting other people like you in this instance.

He has never given you any real consideration whatsoever and these children really do need to learn healthy lessons about relationships.

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 11:12

I don't think he's being deliberately mean, neglectful, dismissive. It's just how he is.

My grandad died last week and he hasn't mentioned it once. It was the same when my dad died. He would say, 'I thought you wouldn't want to talk about it' if I pointed this out, or 'why didn't you talk about it then?'. But I don't/ can't talk to him really. Again, he'll think that's my problem, but I can talk perfectly well to other people (although not about emotions too much).

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 11:13

Can they learn healthy lessons about relationships if their parents aren't in one at all? I didn't.

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 11:16

^"But the thought of hurting him does make me cry".

Why?. That needs further thought.^

I suppose the thought of really hurting anyone makes me sad. It would hurt him.

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 11:17

I have absolutely nobody to talk this through with in real life and have been covering up/ sticking up for him for so long.

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 11:18

Sorry, Atilla, missed your first post.

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category12 · 14/09/2015 11:21

They are definitely learning bad things now, though.

Intent isn't magic. How he is, is neglectful dismissive and mean.

Whether he intends to be is irrelevant.

The effect on the children is the thing that matters. If you stay, you know what you're giving them - a perpetual daily presence in their life that treats them poorly - if you leave, that's much reduced and there's a life with a loving involved parent (Ie you).

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2015 11:22

"I don't think he's being deliberately mean, neglectful, dismissive. It's just how he is".

I think differently, his actions are all deliberate towards you and smack of both power and control. He wants absolute over you and by turn your children. I would also think that if you were to look closely at his own family background, either one or both his parents acted the self same. This stuff gets learnt and becomes deeply ingrained. He likely feels that he is doing nothing wrong at all in treating you like this.

Your own father walked out on you when you were younger; that in itself would have devastating effects on you and that continues even now. You do not have to be in a relationship to teach your children healthy lessons about relationships, you can show them that it is not ok for dad to treat mum like this. Do not show them that a loveless marriage is their normal.

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 11:27

I can think and type fairly coherently about this, but in a conversation with him, he will shut it down (by downplaying it, or ignoring the conversation) and I will cry. And then I'll apologise, and 'try harder'. And then I'll throw myself back into work and children and put it off/ pretend it's not happening. Again.

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category12 · 14/09/2015 11:32

Or you could break the pattern and not expect his permission or acceptance or whatever reaction you're hoping for, and simply make arrangements to leave and go.

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Whycantibehappy1 · 14/09/2015 11:35

I ended my marriage last year, my XH wasn't a bad man but he was selfish and never took my feelings into consideration for his actions, never saw his wrongdoings as hurting anyone and acted like a complete man-child. I did everything in the relationship - took on the stress, organized our lives etc etc - then last year after moving house I realized I wasn't happy and wanted more, he was happy in his 'bubble'.

It was physically hard work moving out and sorting out the house sale, but moving on for me was easy as in my head I had checked out the marriage months ago.

His reaction to me moving out was hard and I am still sad that we aren't a couple & a family, but I need to do whats right for me. I'm now seeing a counselor to understand my feelings and its helping immensely - they even say that it tales a lot of hard work in a marriage you both have to work at it, and my XH wasn't working at it - he didn't contribute.

Our DD has adjusted quite well but I have always maintained a status quo and not bad mouthed anyone.

HTH

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 11:36

Wouldn't it be unfair not to allow him to have a chance to make amends?

My mum is 200 miles away. Going would have to entail going there. Too big a thing to do without discussion.

I ran away with DD while pregnant with DS. (Old username 'dawningrealisation'). Ended up with a diagnosis of AND but really it was DH behaving like this. I think. Or was it the hormones? I'm so confused.

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Asleeponasunbeam · 14/09/2015 11:37

Thanks for your story, why.

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Liggit90 · 14/09/2015 11:39

When love and liking are gone. Both of you walk

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Whycantibehappy1 · 14/09/2015 11:40

I have spoken to various people and didn't take ending my marriage lightly but the majority of the time if you give them a second chance they revert to what they were before. It would be all hearts and flowers for a few months and then back to what it was...

I gave XH a chance and he chose his work over me, which was also one of the problems in our marriage..

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