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angry about this - but it shouldn't matter!

(7 Posts)
dontcallmehonreturns Tue 08-Sep-15 18:14:03

I'm really happy in a new relationship. However a year ago I had to have months of counselling when a man love bombed me and then dumped me, letting me believe that I was a bad person and that he had to break up with me, even though he loved me. I recently had the urge to google an old username of his (I think I'd felt something wasn't right with him) and I discovered a Twitter account full of messages to prostitutes and web cam girls. I'm talking hundreds. He referred to online dating (how he met me) saying he was hoping for sex as otherwise he'd need an escort. He discussed wanking (sorry) over a cam girl and how he 'couldn't stop cumming' <vom>
I feel utterly violated and sickened. I know I shouldn't care, but I feel stupidly gullible and naive. This man lied about who he was and even met my dc. I'm an idiot!
BTW I've moved on since then. I'm stable and secure, with a new job. I don't do love bombing and I won't let my bf meet my dc for at least a year. But this discovery has made me feel a bit dirty and I'm not sure why.

Wotsitsareafterme Tue 08-Sep-15 19:24:05

It does matter and I would feel the same. He sounds nuts though. Years ago I dated a bloke who was a bit narc who contacted me recently to say he was running strip bars in Prague now - I was quite vom about it - not same scale as op but wanted to say I get your reaction sad

springydaffs Tue 08-Sep-15 19:44:17

He's the perv, not you. Don't forget that or get it confused.

I don't honestly think we can see things like this coming. Admittedly the love-bombing is a clue someone is on flakey ground for a variety of reasons - but this horrible pervy story? No, I don't think we can suspect something as horrible as that.

dontcallmehonreturns Tue 08-Sep-15 20:01:25

Thank you - I do feel cheated really. He told me he didn't do casual sex (I don't) and I feel betrayed as I'd have never gone near him. I think it's that he allowed me to take the blame and told me what a bad person I was, so I punished myself for months and it wasn't even my fault. That seems unnecessarily cruel. When we broke up, I begged him to reconsider. He suggested meeting up in hotels for sex.Thank God I had some self esteem and said no!

Greenfaith Tue 08-Sep-15 20:38:28

I totally understand but it wasn't you that lied and tricked anyone. There are always going to be men out there that are nasty it's not your fault.

dontcallmehonreturns Tue 08-Sep-15 21:22:09

I guess so. I used to think I was such a good judge of character!! It's damaged my ability to trust a bit.

springydaffs Tue 08-Sep-15 21:34:33

Some really nutty people have everyone fooled. I married one, so don't feel too bad.

I honestly think there is no way you can guess someone is this cracked. They are in a very small minority so don't be thinking they're everywhere. You and I have had the horrible misfortune to stumble across one. We both paid the price, though it wasn't our fault, they'd do it to anybody.

Since my brush with Mr psycho I am much more aware of warning signs. These types may come across completely plausibly but there will be signs. In your case it was the love-bombing. Tis what the MN brigade call red flags. Love-bombing is a red flag.

I also think that until and unless you've had the misfortune to encounter ppl like this you - one - just won't be prepared. Well now we have. We'll know what it looks like in future..

Not that I'm planning on anything like it again! I know more about it now, know the sort of things to look out for.

Sorry this has happened to you. It is not a reflection on you AT ALL. Don't forget that.

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