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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

End of relationship - relocation with child

68 replies

Flumplet · 06/09/2015 15:08

Hi all. I've been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 13. We have a ds together aged 4. We met at uni and I moved 100+ miles to live with him in his home town. We bought a house together before getting married. We have been thinking of moving for over a year to a bigger house locally, however it is becoming apparent that our relationship is drawing to a close and I am considering using my half of the money from the house to pay off my debts and move back home. I don't have an awful lot keeping me here. No family, no friends, I don't feel loved by my husband, I'm very lonely and don't enjoy my job). Would it be unreasonable of me to start afresh with my son in my home town? Has anyone done this before who can offer advice?

OP posts:

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SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 06/09/2015 15:10

I don't think it would be fair to your child to move 100+ miles away from his father.

Twinklestein · 06/09/2015 15:14

I think it's very sensible. If you split up you'll need help with childcare, and being a single mother in a town with no friends or family around you will be very tough.

Flumplet · 06/09/2015 15:15

He has a car and can drive. He would be welcome to see him on weekends.

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SurlyCue · 06/09/2015 15:18

Youd have to be willing to do half of the journeys. You chose to have a child with someone who lives 100 miles from where you want to live. That is a decision youmake if you move there, so you must shoulder at least half of the cost and time expense of him seeing his dad.

Also, wouldnt his father want to see more of him than just weekends? I sure as hell wouldnt agree to that.

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 06/09/2015 15:21

He has a car and can drive

ERM, your the one moving hundreds of miles away so surely you shoud be the one driving him down to see his dad?

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 06/09/2015 15:22

You're *

Cabrinha · 06/09/2015 15:28

First up, I'm not saying that seeing his son EOW only will lead to damage, though it will lead to a different kind of relationship.

But - I personally firmly believe that you should have a damn good reason to move a child 100 miles away from a parent.

I've walked the walk - I've stayed in XH's home town, when I still had most of my friends elsewhere. I've also limited my career options in current company, and have a killer commute. But I accept it because I think the ideal is for my child to have both parents in her daily life.

We can both take 2 hours off work to nip into school for sports day. We can be flexible with childcare because it doesn't need planning. She doesn't sit in a car for hours being dropped off. She doesn't have whole weekends not seeing her friends or missing clubs, because either of us can take her. We both get to experience the day to day stuff, and she gets to experience that with her too.

I know people often say about support for single parents if they go "home". But the first solution should be for practical support to still be delivered by both parents. First stop for childcare should be the other parent.

If my XH tried to move my daughter 100 miles from me (that's a minimum of 2 hours, with traffic, surely?) I'd go postal.

Cabrinha · 06/09/2015 15:30

he would be welcome to see him on weekends

Maybe it's just my interpretation of that phrasing, but it sounds like you see the child as yours, and that you get to bestow the time. I would fight you over it.

wannaBe · 06/09/2015 15:31

What does your ex say? Would you be able to cover half the cost/travel associated with access? At best you could be ordered to cover this if your ex went to court, worst case scenario your ex could get a prohibited steps order to prevent you from taking ds out of the area.

Your ds has a right to an equal relationship with both parents, it is the parents' responsibility to facilitate this.

You would be completely unreasonable to move your ds away from his dad.

SurlyCue · 06/09/2015 15:39

You could leave DS with his dad in the town he knows with all his friends and familiar places, nursery mates etc and you visit him on weekends.

wannaBe · 06/09/2015 15:39

And like cabrinha I stayed near my ex to facilitate an equal relationship even though I had no family or friends nearby. even though moving back home would have been better for me.

TimeToMuskUp · 06/09/2015 15:47

I moved away when I split up with DS1's Dad. It was 9 years ago and w're still in the same house, an hours drive from there. I drop him off regularly, his Dad picks him up regularly. I don't see it as an issue because we both pitch in and both do our share. Ex would have been more than entitled to fight me if I'd moved all this way and expected him to do the to-ing and fro-ing each weekend.

Move, by all means, but take some responsibility and make sure your DS doesn't lose his bond with his DF because you're choosing to end your marriage. Your choices should have as little impact on his happiness as humanly possible, even if that means helping out your Ex when you're disinclined to do so.

Flumplet · 06/09/2015 15:48

I don't think husband would be all that bothered to be honest.

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Flumplet · 06/09/2015 15:49

I've explained how lonely I am and how I want to move home and how I would like to take ds with me. He just shrugged and carried on doing whatever he is doing on laptop.

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Flumplet · 06/09/2015 15:52

Yeah I would have to get a car I guess and wouldnt mind pitchibg in, I wouldn't object to that. I'd go to the ends of the earth to make sure ds is happy.

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Flumplet · 06/09/2015 15:54

Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad - good at doing the fun things (playing and tickling and all that) but the responsibility part (time off work for childcare when ds sick etc) not so much.

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lunar1 · 06/09/2015 15:56

Leave your son with your husband and then you can drive 100 miles there and back every weekend to see him. Your child is not your possession. Your husbands reaction sounds like he doesn't think you are serious. If I were in his position I'd take you to court to stop you moving my child away.

IguanaTail · 06/09/2015 15:57

It's a really big step for everyone. Take your time.

AuntieStella · 06/09/2015 15:57

Your DC's interests are the ones which count the most here.

It would definitely be sub-optimal for him to be 100 miles from a parent.

Also, if you are the one who moves away, you need to do the decent thing and pay for the travel of the now-separated parent. Wil, you be able to do that?

I do think YABU to move your DC so far when there is no compelling reason so to do. You can make your life more interesting, perhaps, where you are. Lots will change when you are separated. But doing the right thing for your DS (which is never synonym for doing what suits one parent the best) is a constant.

definiteissues · 06/09/2015 15:58

I think it would be very selfish to move that far away.

I hate where I live and I want to move to be closer to my family. But I don't, because my sons family is here and I can't be selfish.

This is one of those times where you need to put your child first.

It would not be fun for a child to be travelling 200 miles every weekend

IguanaTail · 06/09/2015 16:00

I think if you are going to move you need to do it during this year, because it will be more of an upheaval for him when he starts school. 4 year olds can adapt pretty well and he could have his interests and clubs in your hometown. You are going to need lots of support. Are you able to take the train back, or would you rely on a car?

IguanaTail · 06/09/2015 16:02

Hold on though everyone saying she's selfish. Far better surely for her to be happy and supported with her son, than unhappy and isolated? If she stays put she will have the job she hates and be alone in a town where she has no friends. I think it would be different if he the son was 13 and settled in school but he's 4. Not many people make lifetime friendships at 4.

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lunar1 · 06/09/2015 16:04

What about his relationship with his dad iguana?

Coolforthesummer · 06/09/2015 16:06

I think it entirely depends on how hands-on a father your partner is and what kind of contact agreement you would come to eg if you did 50:50 you would need to stay in the area; every other weekend on the other hand is doable if you lived away.

In my case, I would be better off being closer to family than to exh as they have more involvement with dc and are more of a support to me. Also exh regularly threatens to move away himself.

Shutthatdoor · 06/09/2015 16:09

he would be welcome to see him on weekends

Maybe it's just my interpretation of that phrasing, but it sounds like you see the child as yours, and that you get to bestow the time. I would fight you over it.

I completely agree. If you do go down this route, I would expect a fight tbh.

Flip

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