Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why would Ds say this?

(112 Posts)
ClearBlueWater Sun 06-Sep-15 14:21:25

My marriage isn't good, and that isn't new.
I am disabled and our intimate life has dwindled (I find it painful).
H is very unkind to me and I hate being intimate with him due to this too.
He says I am a 'shit wife, who's only use is I can cook'.

Here is a small example.
Today, H wants to go on a train. The trip is for him, but he wants the kids there to be with him and to take pics to send his family to show what a 'good dad' he is. (He will 'fuss them' in front of other people and ignore them at home, and has always been this way)
Only one particular train will do (cant be the next train, has to be that one).
He wants to take the kids, so I get to stay home (we have a new and difficult dog who doesn't cope with being left alone atm).
Dd is not really keen on trip so H says she can have sweeties when she gets there. She wants to buy me some to bring back.
Just before leaving, Dd starts fussing about a particular purse she cant find. If we stop and search they will miss that particular train and H will be in a bad mood. I wont be there, and I am worried he will make life miserable for the kids by grumping on and on.
I tell her: 'don't worry about your purse, Dad will have spare sweetie money'.
I go into the kitchen and tell H: 'Dd is fussing about a purse. there isn't time to find it. I've told her you have spare pennies for sweeties'.
He starts ranting: 'I cant look for it, NOW I will burn the toast'.
I say: 'Oh you have misunderstood me - you don't need to find it, just reassure Dd'. He then rants on about toast etc etc etc again and starts using the F word in front of Ds, ('you fucking stupid cow') quickly becoming verbally aggressive at my perceived criticism of him. He leaves room.
I go into the hallway and explain that I was just trying to pass on helpful info re Dd and tell him to stop swearing. He is standing in a doorway at the top of a flight of stairs. He lunges at me and I move away quickly and I shut the door to stop him lunging again. It is not enough to alter his standing room, and he is in no danger of falling down the stairs, but he is annoyed and hammers on the door shouting.
He storms into the kitchen and tells Ds that I tried to 'push him down the stairs'. Ds looks upset (of course!).
Before they leave, Ds says: 'Dad was just trying not to burn the toast'.

Obviously, things cannot continue like this.
I have stayed with H for 'the sake of the kids' but this was a mistake.

But I am poleaxed that Ds would make this sort of comment?

Tutt Sun 06-Sep-15 14:27:15

Because he's trying to make life 'easier' for everyone and trying to stop the arguing.
OP you need to leave this is affecting your children and you don't deserve to be treated unkindly or with such disrespect .
Don't stay just for the children as it will have a detrimental affect on all of you.

GlitzAndGigglesx Sun 06-Sep-15 14:30:27

He's now manipulating your children and trying to play victim. Don't stay with him for the sake of the kids things will never get better

TravellingToad Sun 06-Sep-15 14:30:27

Because he's desperate to make peace and for you both to not argue. You are DAMAGAING your children. You need to put them first and leave.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sun 06-Sep-15 14:30:47

Poor little kid, she's trying to keep the peace. You know what to do op. He's a arse and you and dc are better without. flowers

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sun 06-Sep-15 14:31:23

He not she.

BertrandRussell Sun 06-Sep-15 14:35:22

Because he's trying to make everything all right. Poor boy. You must get your children out of this situation.

Zort Sun 06-Sep-15 14:37:18

He knows that his father is not to be reasoned with or calmed down so his only hope to stop or change what happened is to try to change your view on the situation so that you will make things better.

He's not going to get anywhere trying to get his father to see things from your point of view.

daiseehope Sun 06-Sep-15 14:40:21

He will turn into his dad if you're not careful sad xxxx leave the foul man. flowers

RachelZoe Sun 06-Sep-15 14:52:13

He's trying to stop the fighting and stop you getting so angry at each other. That will be the motivation for now, if this doesn't stop then he may well start to believe that to be the "right answer" if it isn't challenged and the cycle will continue when he is an adult.

You need to get your children out of this situation, staying is justifying it and saying it's ok, you're also inadvertently telling your daughter that she should expect to be treated like this. You don't deserve to be treated like this, you really, really don't. I hope you manage to get away from this dickhead soon.

scatterthenuns Sun 06-Sep-15 14:55:51

'Staying for the children' is bullshit in this scenario. They'll be happier, and have a more positive home life without this tension.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 06-Sep-15 15:00:19

Absolutely what others are saying - he's just seen the first issue mentioned by your wanker H as being the problem, that he was trying not to burn the toast, and he's trying to peace-keep.

This is a horrible situation for him to be in, and a horrible situation for you an your DD too.

Your DS, if he starts to identify more with your wanker H, will start to normalise his behaviour - do you want him to turn into a copycat of your wanker H?
I'm 100% sure you do not want this, so you need to get him, yourself and your other DC out of the situation as soon as you practically can.

ClearBlueWater Sun 06-Sep-15 15:33:40

Yes, I agree we need to separate. Absolutely.
I am just waiting to see if the provision for my SEN ds will be better in my current area or a different one, to decide if I leave or H does. I hope to know very soon. We will be living apart within months, if not weeks.

I was clear in my own head that I was not the one starting the bickering and certainly not starting the swearing and blaming etc. I no longer try to discuss things with H. I give him info re the kids and try to keep out of his way.
He has just had a week off work and things have deteriorated rapidly.

But I was taken aback by ds remark. It made me doubt my reality, iyswim.

Eastie77 Sun 06-Sep-15 15:34:06

OP, please take on board the advice you have been giving. Staying with this man is categorically not in the best interests of your children and it sounds as if you already know this. Your H sounds very much like my dad who was (and still is) verbally absuive to my mum on an almost daily basis. As a child I woke up every morning with a knot in my stomach wondering what the days arguing would bring and constantly tried to play peacemaker before I gave up and left home (thank God for university) never to return. It is not something I'd wish on anyone. Sending you strength.

ClearBlueWater Sun 06-Sep-15 15:36:40

But my ds seems to think I am the one being horrible to H, not the other way around?

I am worried he will blame me for leaving [sad

ClearBlueWater Sun 06-Sep-15 15:37:10

Damn, he is home. I will come back tomorrow.x

RachelZoe Sun 06-Sep-15 15:40:48

But my ds seems to think I am the one being horrible to H, not the other way around?

Yes, he's leading by example and thinking his dad is right. Why wouldn't he? This is normal to him, children behave as their parents show them too.

Tutt Sun 06-Sep-15 20:58:26

But my ds seems to think I am the one being horrible to H, not the other way around?

OP I didn't read it as that. What I read was that your DS said it to you because you are his safe place, he trusts you and that by saying it to you is safe. By saying it to you it will defuse as you will try your best to quieten things down.

daiseehope Mon 07-Sep-15 00:57:10

Your son is saying that because in his eyes Daddy is never wrong, which is pretty normal really. He will copy his behaviour, trust me on this. Your gorgeous boy is at risk of becoming emotionally damaged unless you remove his abuser.

madwomanbackintheattic Mon 07-Sep-15 01:25:58

Why on earth would he vocalize disagreement with his dad and cause another scene? I don't understand why you are baffled.

BertieBotts Mon 07-Sep-15 01:48:51

The thing is that what DS is seeing is a very simplistic child's view of what is happening. He sees your H's outbursts as being caused by the interruptions, actions, failings, of the others, because every time your H has an outburst, this is what he says. This is WRONG but it is what your DS is seeing because in his limited understanding and experience, it is the logical conclusion. It's only with a wider understanding that we know that people actually choose to act that way and that in fact it's the responsibility of the person having the outburst to control themselves, not the responsibility of everybody else to control the environment around them. For him, it seems like a simple equation that if you always did everything to please Dad, then Dad wouldn't get angry and Dad wouldn't shout.

In other words, he is learning to placate an abuser. This is the first step. He is learning that abuse is the fault of others around the abuser and that the abuser can't help their actions. If you stay then long term, he will internalise that men must be placated and men don't have to take responsibility for their actions or outbursts. When he sees you are the main "arguer", (because your H picks on you) he will wonder why you don't just placate Dad and then everything would be okay (Of course, the reality is you could be perfect and he would still find something to pick at, but a child who has grown up with this can't comprehend that because we look for logic first.) When puberty hits he will begin to have outbursts of his own, and he will fully expect those around him (especially women) to kowtow to them.

You did not start the argument, but it doesn't matter what you do, your H will start arguments and then create some reason to blame it on you, and your son will believe him because it seems logical to him, not because it is true. He just lacks the wider context and experience to place it in.

I am glad that you have a plan to leave, but time is really of the essence! If you have a choice between making him leave and leaving yourself, can't you make him leave ASAP and then just move if you need to later anyway?

ClearBlueWater Mon 07-Sep-15 09:21:52

madwoman - I wouldnt expect him to disagree with H at ALL. It is more that I wouldnt expect him to comment in a way that so starkly 'supports' his Dad. And he does, every time. This has made me doubt my reality about it. I don't want to 'split up the family' unless there is no choice at all.
I know my ds will blame me and I don't know how I will cope with that?

All input is really helpful and appreciated.
Bertie - thank you thanks this makes sense to me.x

I have noticed that everything is always someone's fault.
If, say, the ketchup is knocked over, it's someone's fault.
I would tend to say: 'not to worry, just pick it up'
The kids will say:
'I'm not picking it up, I didn't knock it over, it's not my fault'.
To which I respond: 'not a case of 'fault' the thing just got knocked, whoever's nearest pick it up please'.

ds has fine motor dyspraxia and therefore lots of stuff is knocked over/spilled but I don't make an issue and it gets cleaned up / picked up and we carry on.

But H will comment, esp if ds has friends round. That makes me angry inside. H should be smoothing social interaction for ds, not making him feel anxious about it.

But I have also noticed that NOTHING and I mean nothing is ever H's fault.
It is me, ds, dd, the dog, the weather, the immigrants (oh, yes...) etc

It HAS to be someone else's fault. The kids are picking up on this.

CocktailQueen Mon 07-Sep-15 09:25:35

Sounds like your ds is scared of your h and he is 'taking his side' to appease him, to stop the arguing, to prevent your h being cross with him. Poor sod.

Get shot of your h now.

Tyrannosaurus Mon 07-Sep-15 09:28:19

Unfortunately your DS is learning how men behave by looking at his Dad. I am really glad you are planning to separate. Your DS may blame you initially but he will thank you for it long term.

5608Carrie Mon 07-Sep-15 09:29:48

Clearblue you are in a dangerous situation. Cover your tracks online and phone wonen's Aid. Make a plan of how to get out safely. Where you would go etc

My sister could have written this a few months ago. She didn't get out before he seriously hurt her. Please be very careful.

Please post in relationships you will get very good advice there. flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now