Do lots of emotionally abusive parents do this?

[ArabellaBoo]

I am NC with my parents now but I was talking about this with DH yesterday an just wondered if anyone else had the same experience.

My younger sister was/is always the golden child and I wasn't liked at all by my parents.

From an early age they always told me I was naughty, difficult, nasty, evil, hard to get along with, weird. When actually looking back I was nothing of the sort. Even as a small child I would say something totally normal and innocent and would be told 'Oooh you're a nasty piece of work'. They would always refer to what a difficult baby and toddler I was, when it sounds like I was just a normal baby and toddler.

As a teenager, they made out that I was badly behaved, rude, nasty, calculating, etc, when I wasn't a bad teen at all.

I was always told that if anyone was horrible to me I deserved it, even when I was bullied at secondary school.

I grew up thinkng that I must be an awful person as clearly even my own family didn't like me.

They also always painted me as a naughty, nasty child to other family members and to family friends.

Did anyone else have a similar experience?

[FrizzyNoodles]

Yeah, my dad is lovely but my mum was very difficult. I used to get extreme reactions to very trivial comments. She once had a massive go at me for not understanding the concept of a tv licence - I didn't get that bbc don't have adverts and itv do- I was watching playskool at the time so must have been 4ish my brother was the golden child and I was punished for things he did. He's still a brat now in his 30s and although I see her and I'm nice to her I'm don't behave like a daughter. I get a bit needy around middle aged women sometimes because I miss out on the mother daughter relationship.

[TopOfTheCliff]

My XH was the Golden Child and his DM thought he was divine. His poor DB was sent by the devil apparently. All the woes of the household were put on DB until he was suicidal at 13. They went for family therapy and even when the therapist pointed out he was the scapegoat they didn't stop. He is NC with them all now and good for him! So am I

[queenoftheknight]

Yes.

I am evil and dangerous and must be stopped. Actually, the result of their abuse turned me into such a goody two shoes, I laugh at myself now!

I am nearing the end of my second year of pretty intense therapy and can see the light, very much so. I am definitely no contact with all my family of origin, and that will continue for the rest of my life.

I believe this boxing off of people and defining of people in very black and white ways is pretty common for dysfunctional and abusive families, and sadly, it really isn't as uncommon as it ought to be.

Black and white thinking is always worrying to me these days, in anyone!

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

I was the scapegoat and my brother was the golden child.

I'm now 40 and nc for 3+ years and, despite efforts to get past it, I find that, as time goes on, the impact is greater because I'm realising it's something I'm never going to be free from.

But yes, I was described in very similar terms by mother. The thing that really showed me is that I spent my life beimg told what a nightmare I was from birth. How difficult and unloveable I was - I was told all the things you were plus more (as I also suspect you were). Then my daughter was born. My beautiful, spirited, bright, inquisitive, active, delightful daughter. And when she was about 2 my mother said, "I pity you. I always thought you were bad, but you were nowhere near as bad as her".

Now, my daughter hasn't always been 'easy' but she is a force to be reckoned with and has grown into a well behaved, disciplined, resiliant, resourceful, aspiriational 9 year old. I am, quite literally in awe of her.

She has never been bad. And neither were we.

[Follyfoot]

Yep. I was an only one, but always felt I was a 'bad' child. In fact my Mum was criticising me as a child a while ago and I said to her that she never says anything positive about me as a child. Her response? "There's nothing positive to say...."

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

I grew up thinkng that I must be an awful person as clearly even my own family didn't like me.

This is exactly how I feel. I can't even build/sustain friendships now because I don't want to inflict myself on others. I don't let people get too close. My friendships are always quite superficial and last about 2 yrs. I've recently lost a small group of friends because I discovered they'd been quite critical of the way I am. I no longer trust them and have cut all contact with them.

So I have no family, no friends, I haven't been able to provide my children with a bioligical or otherwise family. We are utterly alone. I feel guilty everyday.

This doesn't help you, I know. But you're not alone.

[OutToGetYou]

Same here, I was evil, ugly, stupid, no-one liked me...

And like Folk Girl, my adult relationships have suffered because of it. Self-fullfilling I suppose.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

I do sometimes often think that they'd be better off if I just quietly went away.

[supersop60]

Folkgirl no no no no no.
It's them, not you. Please don't talk of 'going away', and please, right this minute, get on the phone to a therapist, or the Samaritans.
It's not you

[miaowroar]

My brother was a lot naughtier than I was - he says so himself - but my mother still thought the sun shone out of him. I felt she valued me too, but in a different way - he was always considered cleverer and (evidently was) sportier.

My younger son is convinced that my older one is "the favourite"! It is absolutely not true and I find myself bending over backwards to prove this - but he still thinks so.

[OutToGetYou]

Yep, me too.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Yep. My father was physically abusive too but it started with the emotional abuse just like this. One night at family dinner when I was 13 and my sister was at uni, he decided to spend the entire meal talking about what a difficult kid I was (I wasn't - ask my mother, teachers and any other adults who dealt with me, they loved me), how much he needed to smack me when I was a kid, and laughing about the whole thing. He recounted endless stories of smacking me as a child, laughing and laughing his sorry arse off at how funny it was. His favourite was the time my sister and I were arguing in the car (I remember this incident) and he pulled over to pull me out and smack me around, and that was the most hilarious of all. Bear in mind there was no argument going on, this was just his idea of pleasant dinner conversation.

Finally, with tears in my eyes, I asked him whether my sister had been better than I was. He pulled a dramatic eye roll, then said, "Yes." My mother gasped, I burst into tears, and he got all high handed and stated, "Some questions shouldn't be asked. She asked."

Remember - I was 13.

From that night on, things were never the same and it escalated to full on physical abuse where I was slapped across the face and head, kicked, punched in the mouth and threatened with all sorts and called every vile name under the sun every time we had a row, which was frequent. Once, in absolute terror, I threw my hands out to defend myself. Must have made contact of some kind because he suddenly stopped, then told me that if I ever touched him again he would kill me, he had knocked grown men down before and would use the same force on me.

I once read a letter he had sent to a cousin during this delightful period. He presented himself as a lovable, gaffe prone, bumbling dad type. He spoke about my sister in glowing terms, and then to me. "Sheba is 16, which age should be illegal. Naturally I can't do the right thing, everything I say is wrong, but unlike Sheba I am not young enough to know everything. Hi ho, teenagers, eh?" (A few months later my mother had to leap between us when he ran at me with his hands out, most likely to strangle me.)

And it all started with those sorts of comments. I'm cynical enough to wonder if you were physically abused too but not ready to share that yet. I'd understand 100% if so.

I'm sorry for your experiences, OP, and I'm also sorry if I took over your thread. I just get so angry hearing about this kind of thing because I know how damaging it is, and how little notice is given to it. And I definitely understand the feeling of 'well if my own parents feel this way....'

It is NOT your fault, OP. You probably won't come to believe that genuinely for a long time, but keep telling yourself that because it's true, and keep acting like it, and don't keep company with anyone who suggests otherwise. This is another reason why I'm really starting to discard guilt in general as a pointless emotion - funnily enough I just made a similar comment elsewhere. There are just so few instances that I've seen where it's been felt appropriately AND responded to constructively. Mostly it seems to be vulnerable people blaming themselves for someone else's actions, or self indulgent idiots who think if they bang on about it enough it absolves them from having to do anything to change their situation. What is the point?

Fuck you Dad. No I'm not visiting your fucking grave this year unless I can piss on it.

[LookingUpAtTheStars]

Yes I got that a lot too. I was always told how I was a terrible baby, that I hated my sister from the day she was born (I wasn't even 2 at that point), that my sister was such a nice girl, not mean and nasty like me, I'm so selfish and spiteful.

I found a lovely letter my mum wrote to me when I was about 7, explaining her family history and her childhood, it was a little story of her life, but at the end she spoke about her children and how much she loved them but had to add that "they so very naughty".

I'm torn between thinking it's not fair that she treated me like this and between feeling sorry for her that she clearly had trouble coping with her children and didn't have anywhere like mumsnet or anything to help her out.

[OutToGetYou]

Yes, my father was both physically and sexually abusive too. And everyone thought he was a great guy.

I can only remember my mum physically restraining him once, he was trying to strangle me and she bit his arm. He once tried to force a load of paracetamol into my mouth, telling me I should just kill myself. And he pulled me underwater by my hair on a swimming pool and I've been scared of water ever since.

[OutToGetYou]

Oh, I always got coal in my Christmas stocking to remind how naughty I had been.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

These stories are horrendous. Hugs and support to all of you.

Have you noticed that famous stories about favoured children (especially biblical ones, eg Cain and Abel, Joseph and his brothers)...the spurned siblings are always angry with the favoured child instead of the awful parent? Shows how deeply rooted it is for us to want our parents' love and approval, no matter how little it is worth.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

I feel a need to add, I am not accusing anyone in this thread of doing that, I'm sorry if it came across that way. Just pointing out why this kind of favouritism and abuse is so difficult to get over, even when intellectually you know you were not at fault.

[OutToGetYou]

I am an equal opportunities loather, I loathe my brother just as much as I do my father

[LookingUpAtTheStars]

I hated my sister when we were growing up, in part I don't doubt because I was demonised for displaying normal sibling behaviour as a young toddler so I grew up really hating her for all the trouble she caused me!

Now as we're both adults, she's my best friend. I think in part because she shared my childhood (and she didn't escape my mum's craziness, even if she was the good one!) so we understand each other and what we've been through. No one else in the world understands like she does.

[FrizzyNoodles]

Oh yeah I barely speak to my brother and we don't get on. That's because he's an arsehole though. He doesn't like me because I have a better life - job, holidays, independence while he is a manchild. I was resentful of him from when he was born... I was 3 according to my mother. He was telling me from quite a young age that I was a mistake and shouldn't have been born. It feels quite good actually seeing the words and how ridiculous it was. I don't have my own but have a DSS and really can't imagine putting all that on a child.

[fabuLou]

Yes. I am NC too. My self esteem has improved massively since nc and I'm way happier.

The bit that upsets me the most is how I have been portrayed to other family members by my mother.

[RolyPolierThanThou]

My sister was constantly told what a difficult child she was (she wasn't a bad kid at all) and even now she gets 'you're just like your father' and that is never meant in a nice way. She is very close to going nc with dm. I've told dm to stop saying stuff like that. It's hurtful. And untrue. She says 'oh I dont mean it like that' well then stop saying it like that.

I was the golden child (undeservedly). Fortunately dsis and I get on brilliantly, despite having been divided and categorised like this.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

My brother and I tried having a relationship as adults. It wasn't good because he is pompous and arrogant and very, very angry. But I kept it up, for the sake of my children until he 'punished' me for challenging him over something (very politely, his wife and all the children were there, but it couldn't go unsaid) and he stood up and attempted to humiliate me in public with a verbal onslaught. I haven't seen or spoken to him since.

Neither of us could escape the roles our parents gave us. He was/is always right and untouchable and I was/am troublesome, wrong and need(ed) to be kept in my place.

[fabuLou]

Folkgirl. I can relate totally to what your saying. BTW don't go away anywere, you are much loved and needed.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

Thanks Fab. I don't want to hijack so will leave it here, I was going to start my own thread. I've had a hard summer. But I'm not much loved or needed. All I can see every day is how much my children suffer/miss out on by having me for a mother.