Yes he was unreasonable, he knows he was unreasonable, how do we move on?

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

Dh and I have had a rough year (massive understatement). I had disability issues that are now much improved but ongoing, dh had depression, we had a newborn (as well as older dcs), and it all happened at once.

Dh admits that he has screwed up. He needed lots of emotional support, I needed a lot of physical support and instead of pulling together we pulled apart.

He was amazing. He looked after all the dcs. He dressed me. He did all the housework (I couldn't).

In return I gave him full and unconditional emotional support. I talked him down from his anxiety, I comforted him, I was there for him.

Things got better physically, I took back the reins of doing most things, he was still good and hands on (working full time) and that regained its balance.

But the depression stayed, and his neediness continued and I supported him.

Then he did something stupid. I want to be vague about it, i did post at the time. He basically wanted me to create an online profile for him so that other women could boost his self esteem.

I was devastated and hurt. He was shocked that it hurt me, but as soon as he thought about it, he could see that of course I would be, and was so sorry.

I felt like I'd been so supportive, and this was just a kick in the teeth. Why wasn't I enough?

And it brought up all this resentment in me. Yes he did everything physical for me when I was ill, but he wouldn't touch me or show me affection. Yes he did all the housework, but there were places downstairs that I couldn't get to in my chair, because there was stuff everywhere, and one day, when I was alone, I sobbed as I had to use the broom to clear a path through all the shoes and things to get to the toilet. I felt so useless and trapped. It didn't happen only once.

I didn't want to nag. He would spiral at any negativity, and I learned that it was easier not to mention things than to have to emotionally support his "oh god I'm so terrible" after I'd pointed things out. I know how that sounds. I felt trained. But I don't believe he did it on purpose.

So the profile thing was 3 months ago. He's tried. He didn't at first. He just waited for me to get over it, but since then he's tried. We became closer.

We used to talk everything through anytime one of us was unhappy. But I find it so hard now to mention things.

Then we planned to get away. Just the two of us. We arranged babysitters for the whole of next weekend. He sorted it all. We would have some time just the two of us. We were laughing again.

Then two nights ago, I was sat next to him on the sofa whilst he was on the phone to his DM. She wanted to come and visit next week, and dh said, "I tell you what, we've actually got this coming weekend free, why don't you come then and stay longer?"

I couldn't really believe what I was hearing. This big weekend that meant so much to me, he just gave away without even running it by me.

I just got up and left the room.

I was... I am so hurt and upset that the one thing I was looking forward to, our first childfree night in years, was just given away.

He came up after he'd got off the phone. He saw how upset I was, he apologised. Later he called his DM back and cancelled them coming.

He bought me flowers and chocolates. He walked through the door, took all the dcs, and said go and do whatever you want for the evening. He made me my favourite.

I just feel numb. It's not that big a deal. But it feels like he took the thing I was valuing the most, and threw it away.

I feel like I'm in shock.

I don't know who he is anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to get past this but I'm not sure how.

We were such a good team. Just a year ago we were on track, communication was fantastic, he thought of me and I thought of him. That's how it had been for years. Now it's just crumbled. He doesn't think of me anymore. I can't and don't want to stop thinking of him.

I don't want to LTB. Last night he asked me what I want and I said "it doesn't matter what I want, I don't have it in my power to give me what I want. I only have the choice of stay or go, I can't change your behaviour"

He is willing to do anything. I can't help but feel something is broken inside me.

Just tell me I'm overreacting. This is a bad patch and we'll get through this. I know he is a good man. I just don't know if he's able to be good for me anymore :(

[QuiteLikely5]

I've got to say this man seems to give rather a lot of himself. Can you imagine how hard it was for him to care for all of you whilst having a full time job?

Ok he made a mistake about his parents but he quickly rectified it.

I think he is bending over backwards to please you. Taking DC out, giving you a break etc

Can I ask what you are doing to please him?

Did it not occur to you that he might have valued some adult only time with his parents?

[OneBreathAfterAnother]

I'm probably not the best person to respond because there's no way I'd have even tried to get past the online dating thing, but...

Sometimes too much water goes under the bridge for you to rebuild it how it was. Sometimes you can't rebuild it at all. You may be at the point where you won't ever be able to make it all fit together, let alone feel natural, and in that case it may be better to go even if you don't want too.

If that's absolutely not an option, then you need some time away to reevaluate what you want, so you can express that to him, and then he can find ways of helping that happen. You can't tell him what to do, though, he needs to put the effort in himself.

It does sound like there is a lot of history here though, and although it may have been fine a year ago, he's shown on multiple occasions that he doesn't automatically think about you. He can make gestures, but it's not an everyday thing. And he doesn't even do that until he's seen if you'll fix it yourself, if he can get away with minimum effort.

That might not be a concious decision, it may be that time and events have just pulled you apart, but it's going to be very difficult to fight in any meaningful way unless he can recognise it before he does it, and he wants to change, and you can both communicate better.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

Sorry, to be clear he was off work when he was caring for me full time.

Right now I don't want to please him and beyond doing all the normal SAHP things, I'm not doing anything extra.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

Onebreath, that's exactly it. He can think of me to make gestures, but it no longer feels like he thinks of me in general.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

I think I am angry and I don't know how to deal with the disappointment and it's made me numb

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

With regards to having adult only time with his parents. He doesn't like them and finds them hard work, but of course loves them. He wants to please them.

I don't do nothing. We have 4dcs. 3 are under 5. I have chronic pain, but just have to get on with it, and am more mobile now.

I'm contemplating just running away this weekend. Getting in a car and going for a few days :(

At least I have balanced responses: one "you're a bastard" and one "leave the bastard" :)

[trackrBird]

Then he did something stupid. I want to be vague about it, i did post at the time. He basically wanted me to create an online profile for him so that other women could boost his self esteem.

That's not something that can be misinterpreted or misunderstood. I don't think I could get past that, and I don't know how you've managed to.

The weekend thing isn't trivial either. It's a planned trip, anticipated time as a couple, which he just threw away on the spur of the moment for no good reason.

These things show such total disregard for you that they're hard to understand, and I doubt if they're isolated incidents.

It's also hard to understand how he did 'all the housework', yet repeatedly left you with a path to clear, eg to get to the loo. If there's a path to clear, a) the housework ISN'T done because there's a serious mess and b) it's an incredibly thoughtless way to leave someone with a disability. I'm sure, in the same position, you'd have made sure access to facilities was clear before you did anything else.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

Trackr, thank you. I don't think I have gotten over it to be honest. My self esteem as taken rather a big knock this year what with everything.

I want to put it all down to his depression. I want to explain to you all that other than a few times of utter thoughtlessness over the years, he is a good person and we've been really strong.

But I'm beginning to wonder if I'm a mug.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

Nice things he's done: I want to start my own business that may never see a profit. He's happy for us to invest in it, and has said that if it never makes a penny, as long as I'm happy doing it, he's happy to support me in that.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

I shouldn't have made it so long, should I?

Shameful bump

Any help would be really welcome.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

Are there any practical solutions? It's been a stressful time for us all. That's only going to get easier.

[trackrBird]

I think it's the time of day ADAF, more people will be logging on later.

I don't think you're a mug.

But it's difficult to consider practical solutions yet, because it's hard to understand what's going on. Some people will set up a dating profile on the quiet, for obvious reasons; but asking your partner to do it is outside the realm of typical behaviour. Not many people could just deal with it and move on

How did his 'neediness' show itself?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I can see how him inviting his parents for the weekend could be the last straw, he rectified it but it should never have occurred to him to invite them in the first place. He knew how much this alone time meant to the OP and him as a couple-what was he thinking?

I'm possibly not the best person to advise on here, I had a last straw moment 6 months ago and separated from my husband.

[AGapInTheMarket]

I'm sorry, OP. I'm in a similar situation with a DP who keeps screwing up, apologising, taking full responsibility.... and then doing it again. Having comforting conversations about what an idiot he was and how much he values me/us is all very well but I really need to see some behavioural change. Actions, not words. I guess you're the same.
It's marriage counselling for us, he's agreed in principle and now we just need to schedule it. Which means I need to schedule it.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

All views more than welcome Gast. That's where I am, "what the hell was he thinking?!" He was looking forward to it too. He arranged it!

His neediness shows as needing constant reassurance. From reassuring him that he looks fine to that he's good at his job. He constantly puts himself down and is negative about himself. He has very low self esteem and his change in behaviour coincided with starting counselling.

He says that he was trying to put himself first, and in doing so kind of replaced thinking about me with thinking about him.

But our relationship worked on us both being a bit rubbish at putting ourselves first, but knowing that the other would. I carried on putting him first, thinking he was thinking about me, when he wasn't.

All of the problems have been from him trying to "fix" himself. He spent 2 days thinking about the profile solution. 2 days of thinking "this would fix my self esteem issues" before he mentioned it to me. In those 2 days not once did he thing "ADAF will be really hurt by this" :( it didn't cross his mind.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

AGap, at least you're moving forwards.

He would go to marriage counselling. In fact he booked us an appointment after the profile thing, and they cancelled as they screwed up and booked a counsellor who was on holiday (all true, I got the message). Things seemed better by that point, so I thought we would be ok.

Actions not words is what we need!

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

Sorry for the constant posting. I've been holding it all in. This has made me realise how I have no one in RL to talk to about this. It's here or nothing.

I just want to feel better.

[Duckdeamon]

Have you tried couples' counselling? Sounds like there an awful lot has gone on between you.

I don't think a weekend away will help much if you feel this way, angry etc.

Have you had counselling for yourself?

It's not OK for him to be self-flaggilating about his wrongdoing about the weekend and online dating (outrageous) if he uses this as a way to manipulate you into shutting up.

[AnyFucker]

All views welcome ? OK, brace yourself.

This man no longer sees you as a sexual partner. Caring for someone physically is not the same as desiring them sexually. He sabotaged your quality time weekend on purpose. He wants to fuck other women (or at least fantasise about it) with your blessing. If you had agreed with the making of a profile, he would have pushed it further to meet ups.

I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. Despite your waxing lyrical about how great he was at caring for you, he was shit at it. He is still being shot.

[AnyFucker]

*shit

[Duckdeamon]

I think he should definitely rebook the couples' counselling and organise regular childcare for the DC so you can go to it together; and perhaps separate counselling for you in addition.

You can't be his counsellor for his own issues: too draining, time consuming and unfair given the circumstances. If he needs more support for his mental health he should seek this from health professionals, any services his employer offers etc.

It is healthy to care for oneself as whether in a relationship or not: if you haven't been doing so, that could be something to work on.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

Duck, you're right. A relationship where people only care about each other, only works as long as both are doing it. It's a vulnerable way to live.

AF, never one to mince your words. I don't think he'd physically cheat on me (ha! Famous last words), but you could be right about the fantasising. Either way he's been a shit. He's been a fucking arsehole. He's let me down horribly. He's hurt me.

I've put a lot down to him being ill. Yes I was ill too, but had he been well I wouldn't have let it slide.

Or maybe that's not true either.

I do wonder about the physical attraction thing. In general I'm usually comfortable with how I look. People find me attractive. He's not very confident on that front. I just don't know. Lots of food for thought.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I've had depression and anxiety. I never once considered cheating on my husband. We've since split up but that's a different story.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

I know. I've suffered with them too :(

It's just such a weird way of going about it. He says he was desperate for a quick fix and could see the damage his depression was doing to us all. His counsellor had said he should do things to boost his self esteem.

He did go straight to his counsellor afterwards and admitted everything, and she told him he'd been a complete pillock.

It took a while before he started trying to mend things. I did my usual "fixer" thing of researching trust building exercises etc. he was willing to do them, but after pointing out that he never initiated them, I gave up. What was the point in me trying to fix things? He should have been.

Giving away my break really was the last straw.

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

I'm like every other poor bastard on here, who wants answers that none of you can give me, aren't I?

There should be some kind of potion available, "Fuckwit-begone!" With a shouty-man advert saying "one application of fuckwit-begone is all that's needed to make your fuckwit behave like a normal human being!" "Bang! And your fuckwit's gone!"