Am i being selfish, is he? New partner wants his daughter every weekend so we'll have no time alone

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Advice please, have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months. I have two kids with ex and they stay with him every weekend. New partner has a daughter under two he has every other weekend. He's ex is very difficult, I would say she's a pain in the arse.

Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation. I'm just thinking that so far we have had every other weekend alone to spend child free. My two kids are 12&13 so I have been the parent that's in at the weekends with the occasional night of when they were young.

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend. Maybe I'm just not that important and of course I expect him to put her first.

This guy has said he loves me and is he's head over heels for me, I feel the same. Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice, I'm pleased to see he is a caring dad. But having a small demanding child, for any couple, means you don't get much time together, he has to sleep with his daughter at night when she wakes crying.

My question is, am I being selfish to feel uneasy about starting the relationship one way and then being told its going to change. I don't think I'm ready to go from having childfree time to having no time alone.

I want to discuss I with him without sounding like I don't want his daughter about. I just can't see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone.

I have my kids mon-Fri so in the week their about, he has his daughter every sunday too.

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

[SirChenjin]

So your ex has your children every weekend? And she wants her ex to have their kids every weekend?

[Lottapianos]

No, you're not being selfish. I wouldn't be able to cope with this either.

Do you feel that he wants his daughter every weekend because he genuinely wants to spend time with her, or is it just to spite his ex? If he really wants to have the time with her, then that's understandable but you need to decide whether its the sort of life you want - no childfree weekends. It may be that neither of you are wrong, but possibly not compatible either. It's a tough one for you

[LL0015]

Your attitude is terrible.
Age of children is irrelevant. Yours have their father every weekend. You've got double standards.

[Mrsjayy]

It sounds very fraught he is battiling with his ex for the baby he is saying she is this that and the next thing, you have only been with him a short while but wrapped up in it I would keep it casual for now his toddler comes first but it sounds like he is more interested in fighting the ex atm take a step back.

[noiwontstoptalking]

Erm, you've been together a whole two months and you want him to prioritise time with you over time with his little girl?


Yes that is selfish.

Walk away now.

[thehypocritesoaf]

You kids spend every weekend with their Dad and you are annoyed with your partner because he wants every weekend with his kid?

I can't have got that right.

[Oakmaiden]

Your relationship is two months old. He does not have to ask your opinion about how often he has his daughter. If you don't like his family arrangements you can choose not to be with him.

On the other hand, I doubt a court would give him every weekend if the mother is opposed - she deserves weekend time to spend with her daughter too.

[Lucked]

When you both decided ( separately) to have children you gave up child free weekends on a regular basis for at least 17 years.

[NarcyCow]

He lives with your kids 5 days a week but you'll only put up with his for two nights a fortnight?

You're being pretty self-centred.

[FluffyMcnuffy]

You've been dating him for two months, I don't mean to sound harsh but I'm sure he probably prioritises time with his daughter over time with you!

[QuiteLikely5]

I think your concerns are valid. Take your man out of the equation.

In your position nobody would want to date a man with a toddler all weekend when they have just packed their own DC off!!! It would be madness.

I think your circumstances don't click together.

Of course mention your concerns to him and see what he says. Tbh I would run for the hills.

[definiteissues]

You are being selfish.
He wants his daughter the same amount of time as your ex wants your kids.
You shouldn't be getting annoyed that he wants to see his daughter more you should be happy that he is trying not to be an absent father

[Inim]

I think his relationship with his daughter is more important than his relationship with you (sorry) she existed first and you've only been together 2 months.
You're not being selfish though maybe need to think how much you like him/is it worth it

[fairyfeatures]

Sorry but I do believe you are being selfish. What if a circumstance came up and your children no longer wanted to stay with your ex at the weekends? Would you say, to your own childre, ''I am sorry but you are going to change the dynamics of my relationship that I have only had for 2 month''?

At this stage, I wouldn't even be committing to a relationship and I find it strange that you have met his daughter already. I knew my now DH for 3 years before we started seeing one another, and then it took a year before we got into a 'relationship'. My daughter had known him for the duration that I knew him as he was mummy's friend. It wasn't until 6 months after we decided to be in an official relationship that I discussed it with my daughter and she spent time with us in a relationship/family capacity.

And when you say I cant see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone - maybe you aren't as into him as you think you are. If you head over heels, you would make sacrifices and make it work.

You are very lucky to be with a man with such commitment to his daughter and family values. If you and he were ever to have a child, at least you will know that he will be committed to your child and sounds like he would be an excellent father.

[thehypocritesoaf]

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

You've been together two months - of course you're just a spare part.

[minmooch]

You've known him 8 weeks? And you want him to prioritise you over his daughter? You should not even have met his daughter yet. And he's declaring love for you? He doesn't know you yet. Yes you are being selfish. He should and must put his 2 year old daughter way, way, way ahead of you. Those are the perils of dating someone with young children.

[starfishmummy]

[DiscoDiva70]

Op can you elaborate on why you think his ex is a 'pain in the arse'? you don't even really know her so I can't see how you can label her.

You've known this man for 2 months and you're already interfering

[BathtimeFunkster]

He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation.

He's a wanker.

Stay well away from a man who would try to take a one year old away from her mother every weekend.

Threatening court action under the circumstances is really dreadful of him.

Why is he so angry with her?

Why after knowing her ex for a few weeks do you think she's a "pain in the arse"?

You don't need any of this drama in your life. Get rid.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Yes. Yes you are being selfish.

And I agree, what the hell are you both thinking, meeting his dd so soon.

You're going to tell me next that your kids "adore him"

[willconcern]

OP did you mean your ex has your DCs every weekend, or every other weekend? I think you've missed out a word so you're getting a flaming that I don't think you deserve.

I would feel the same as you. My DCs go to their dad's every other weekend, and my child free time is important to me, and to my DP. My DP cane into our relationship knowing I have 2 DCs and knowing the routine we have, and we discussed the implications for him at length (his DCs are grown up so this is a step back in time for him). It's a discussion you need to have.

My main concern in your shoes would be your bf's relationship with his ex. You only have his "side" of the story, and it doesn't sound as though he is very reasonable. Unless there are safe guarding issues, why should he monopolise weekend time with their child? It sounds as though he is trying to punish her. I wouldn't want a relationship with a man whose motivation was revenge/anger. You could be his ex one day, so observe how he treats her....

[summerwinterton]

I agree with Bathtime - sounds to me like a controlling twat who is using his kids as a weapon to hurt his ex. Run for the hills. This man is a whole bunting of red flags.

[Wewereneverbeingboring]

My counsellor is fond of saying "what you feed grows and what you starve dies" - if he wants to have his very young dependant daughter every weekend then he has to accept that he's unlikely to be able to dedicate enough time to a relationship as well.

If I were you I'd be very concerned that from what you've said he appears to be pushing for more access because he's angry with his ex, not because that's what's best for his child (and I have to agree your double standards are selfish).

Walk away before you get in too deep.