concern for my friend

[justonepost]

I am not sure if this really fits in relationships but here i go. My friend has just gotten out of a financially and verbally abusive relationship. But here is the problem. She is an ex alcoholic who has managed to get herself sober but only after having encountered numerous health issues making it hard for her to find a job. She lives of benefits and because of her contract still lives with her ex partner. It used to work out ok but has gotten bad again. If she moves out early she can be taken to court for the rent (she was advised) and she can't find a new place on acocunt of her dog. The dog is more or less a support dog as she has kept her alive and willing to fight. loosing her dog would mean devastation to her. Her mother is already pressuring her to get back together with her ex insulting her in the process, which led to a breakdown. She has started self-harming again. She is tired and says AA is putting massive pressure on her blackmailing her if she doesn't do extra meetings they will drop her. She is physically exhausted and cannot bear loosing her dog who has given her so much strength in the past causing her to put her dog before her own health.

Anybody got any advice?

[Humphriescushion]

Sorry no real advice but hoping to bump for your. Also is AA I alcoholics anon I doubt they would drop her, since I am not sure if works like that. Hope someone comes along soon to help. Maybe contact Woman's Aid if she was/ is in an abusive relationships and maybe they can help.

[pocketsaviour]

She is tired and says AA is putting massive pressure on her blackmailing her if she doesn't do extra meetings they will drop her.

This doesn't sound quite right... Perhaps you misunderstood what she said? Unless she meant her sponsor said they couldn't sponsor her any more, but in that case she could ask someone else to sponsor her. I don't have first-hand experience of AA myself but my understanding is that nobody is asked to leave a particular meeting unless their behaviour is endangering others.

Regarding the living situation - I assume she is in a rental contract? How long is left? Has she tried contacting the landlord directly to ask if she can get out of the contract? I did this when wanting to leave a contract early - I'd signed up for a year but needed to leave 5 months in. They were fine with me moving on as long as they found a new tenant and I paid rent until the new tenant moved in. Of course that would only work if her ex is also willing to move out at the same time, which may be the problem here.

I'd suggest she get in touch with Womens Aid to see if they can offer any other advice, as her relationship was abusive.

Trip to GP might also be in order if she is self-harming.

I would suggest she contacts Shelter for advice on housing. I know there are foster organisations that will take animals temporarily for people in difficult housing situations. Would that be a possibility for her?

Although I can understand she might be heartbroken to be parted from her dog, at this point remaining in a horrible living situation with an abusive man is probably jeopardising her sobriety and is clearly having major negative effects on her mental health.

[Patchworkpatty]

Can't offer any practical advice about the rent contract but as the ex partner of an alcoholic who has been intimately involved with AA I can categorically promise you that AA would NEVER refuse access to a meeting to ANYONE, unless they were an actual physical endangerment to another member... Be quite care OP .. Alcoholics are consummate, dare I say professional liars and she may be drinking again and hiding it from you. It is quite possible she is being straight but means her sponsor cannot carry on, but that doesn't mean she still can't go to meetings... And it's the meetings that matter.

[justonepost]

hi,

thanks for your responses guys. To clarify yes AA is alcoholics anonymous and as someone who does not really drink I don't know much about them other than that they exist.
I carefully double checked with my friend and i did not have the full information at first. She was told by her sponsor that her sponsor would not continue taking her on unless she attended >3 meetings a week at the moment she is attending 1-2 and is chair(?) in one, which is what they want to take away from her because she missed 2 meetings (her dog was injured , and I saw the pup she needed a lot of care) and was late for yesterdays. Apparently after she told her sponsor that she got close to wanting a binge drink and cutting herself she felt her sponsor was angry and unspportive leading to her wanting to distance herself from AA and I don't know whether that is a wise idea as she is almost 2 years sober and did well until now.

She is in a rental contract with her ex-partner for another 10 month. her ex partner is also an ex alcoholic who has gone into drug abuse which she found out when her medications were completely empty and he got aggressive when she tried to lock them away. That is why she tried to get out of the contract but never involved police as he never actually harmed her.

The landlady is actuall very insistent on sticking to the contract and won't let her out.

Thanks for the tip on Womens aid I will pass that on I so far could only advise her to contact samaritans if she feels like she needs to hurt herself again and me and another friend of hers told her to think of her dog as she could get taken away should she harm herself too much and she broke down at the thought. I will carefully suggest temporary fostering any ideas how to find a good place? I will try and google some to see what is in our area.

I am very concerned after seeing the cut to her leg and the fact that she speaks of it as if it is something everyone does. I don't want her to go down that path again...

[lauraa4]

I am a Lettings Manager and see this type of thing happen quite often. Ultimately the landlady needs to agree for early release subject to, either your friend finding a new tenant to replace her (if they are In a one bed unlikely), your friend leaves but pays the rent for the remainder of the tenancy, or the ex partner agrees to solely take over the tenancy subject to him being able to afford the rent on his own. If none of these can be met the only other option is to get the police involved and make it clear she needs to be granted early release for her own safety.

As for the AA meetings, my mother in law runs NA which is very similar but for drug abuse. A sponsor does have the right to drop you as their client but she should be reassigned a new one that wants to deal with her. At no point would AA say they would drop her as a group, just may have been the sponsor. Those groups have people who relapse and go through bad patches all the time, they would never just throw someone out.

[Wingedharpy]

I agree with pocket regarding trip to GP to discuss self harm.
She speaks about it Op, "as if it is something everyone does", because, for her, it is a very matter of fact, it is not a shocking thing - it is her coping strategy.
It's not a healthy coping strategy, but, it helps her cope with her traumas.
Encourage her to see her GP, but if she won't, that is her choice.

[justonepost]

Thanks you guys,

it has gotten a bit worse now and she is in herself saying she is scared of a relapse. She is seeing a GP though I hope she actually goes to the appointment. At the moment her worry is getting a new place when the lease is done. She says finding a place as a DSS is difficult enough without a guarantor but with a support dog it is even harder.

I wish I could help but I am scared that if she relapses I spiral down as well as I live on minimal income as a PhD student. So it is enough for one but no way enough for more and if she doesn't trust herself how can I be a guarantor for her? i feel so incredibly guilty with my life finally getting more and more positive while I can see the toll hers takes on her.

Thanks for all of your guys tips and advice though I appreciate it!

[pocketsaviour]

If you don't own a home then you would not be accepted as a guarantor anyway, in all likelihood.

TBH I can understand if she had agreed to chair two meetings and then didn't show/was late, that she would be asked not to chair any more, as that is very disruptive to the meetings. In her situation I would want to try to attend more meetings as at least it would help get me out of the house and amongst people who understand.

This is even more crucial with her ex clearly still an addict. I think it's important she gets out of there asap. Please encourage her to speak to WA.