Partner gets into physical fights with other men when drunk

[Rachelmaze1900]

DP has a history of scrapping when he was younger I.e. Teens ,20s. Grew up in a rough household in a rough town.

DP doesn't really go out anymore and doesn't really drink. I am glad about this as I do not think he handles his drink at all. By not really going out anymore, I mean in the past two years he may have had a night out with the lads four times but every time something like the following happens. We went out Saturday with my friends. I arrive, he was there. Clear he had drunk too much. Looked maudlin. He had to take one of his friends home and on the way out the pub, a guy verbally abused his friend. DP took umbrage and pushed the guy. Bouncers chucked DP out as they thought a fight was brewing. He stood outside the pub looking in until I went out and told him to get home ASAP. He was being difficult and moody and saying he wanted to get back in the pub. It was deeply embarrassing.

Next night also entertaining friends we were in local nightspot picked by my friends. I was not keen to go as it gets lairy. We were standing next to a group of jamaican lads and two or three times men walking past racially abused them and started taunting them. DP lept forward each time to try to intervene and defend the lads. I had to physically hold him back at one point.

Been together 3 years. Thinking of leaving for exactly this reason. Can't stand it. Wears me down like I can't explain even though happens infrequently it is still one too many times if you see what I mean, kind of feel that in the future I would always be worrying about how he will behave if we let our hair down, On the plus side he has made huge moves not to go out. Doesn't attend stag dos, doesn't party with friends anymore in an indirect acknowledgement I think that he can't handle his drink and this kind of crap happens.

Help. Anyone got experience of this.

[Duckdeamon]

It's not that he "can't handle his drink", to behave like that he must have a violent, angry side. And why does he still drink at all? Risking injury, hurting someone, arrest and punishment/criminal record.

I would worry that this side of him would, in due course, come out in other circumstances too. And would end the relationship.

[JeffsanArsehole]

Unless he's Brad Pitt or Ed Norton dump
him.

At least they only punched themselves.

[pocketsaviour]

on the way out the pub, a guy verbally abused his friend
two or three times men walking past racially abused them and started taunting them

I really don't want to sound snobby, and I've lived and drank in some pretty rough places in my time, but - where do you live?? I mean is this sort of thing par for the course, and if so, why do you go out to these places?

Do you live together? Have DC?

[NoMoreRenting]

Where the hell do you live that this happens every time he is out???? I've lived in lots of big cities and more 'townie' places and this just doesn't happen on such a regular basis that the same person would get caught up every single time.

It sounds as if your DP is rather angry and thuggish. Normal, mature, well adjusted and reasonable men do not behave this way.

I've only seen it with immature uneducated laddish wankers. The sort who end up with a local reputation and with a wife who does everything at home because he's an arse.
Get out before you become a victim of his wankerish behaviour.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship?.

He appears to get drunk all too readily and become violent towards others as a result. Look at his social circle OP: are they all drinkers?.

If he has made huge moves not to go out I presume you also feel you can no longer attend any sort of social occasion with him if asked.

You've become worn down by him and by association you are being dragged down with him. Do not waste any more time on this person by thinking or hoping against hope and prior experience that he will finally change. Love alone is simply not enough; you cannot love him better.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

People tend to show their true selves magnified when drunk. Be careful.

[KERALA1]

You'd think so nomore but my ex was like this and he was a barrister. I get chills reading your post. Sadly most of his anger when drunk got directed at me - "only" verbally but am pretty sure would have escalated had I not dumped him. But yes he got in fights when out too.

Funnily enough never dated anyone before or since that has ever got into a fight even once (though a one off time I would give benefit of doubt). If he's got that violent anger in him that comes out when he is drunk he has it in him and thats that. I hated that walking on eggshells feeling and never being able to relax when we went out. Just awful. Personally I would (and did) run a mile. And never regretted it.

[Coolforthesummer]

No way would I stay with a man like this. They are a type. Even if they are not actively looking for trouble, they seem to find it by trying to sort out other people's. Or if someone accidentally bumps into them and spills their drink, watch out. He really should have grown out of it by now.

Two of the men I know who behaved like this both ended up inside in their twenties. But it didn't stop them. They still manage to get into a scuffle or stick their oar in to 'defend' someone.

[SanityClause]

I know someone who is a bit like this. It is many years since I was in a pub with him, but he gets a cold, dead look, like something in his brain has switched off, and may decide to pick a fight in the slightest pretext. (I have never seen him actually have a fight, I'm pleased to say. I have seen people trying to chivvy him away from a situation, though.)

He did beat up an ex partner so badly that she needed plastic surgery.

[Baconyum]

I agree drink merely exacerbates who a person really is. I say this as the child of a violent alcoholic who my mother said for years 'it was the drink' but I learned later that he'd always been aggressive and violent. He's dry now but still an aggressive deeply unpleasant man. Dump!

[NoMoreRenting]

Oh yes, I'm quite sure barristers are capable of being loutish wankers too.
At university one of our sharers was a medic. By the end of the first few weeks it was clear he was sexist but by the end of the year he was very clearly a mysogynistic woman hater. He actually believed that woman should not be doctors but nurses instead. The other guy we shared with joined in in the first few weeks like it was a bit of banter but soon realised that this guy actually believed what he was saying. It's scary to think he has been practising medicine all these years.

[Lweji]

Any reason is a good reason to leave. If you are not happy about this, you shouldn't disregard it.

He is not defending himself. He is looking to fights.
One day he may well be drunk at home and take offense at something you say...

[DriverSurpriseMe]

Leave. He won't change.

I have an uncle a bit like this. Nearly 60. Major drink problem. Socialising is impossible because he gets drunk too quickly and tries to start fights. My cousin, his daughter, is terrified he's going to ruin her wedding.

Don't choose that life for yourself.

[FantasticButtocks]

Once would be enough to frighten me. The thought of having to be anywhere near violence and fights breaking out would make me very anxious indeed, let alone anyone I know being involved, but especially your partner.

Sharing a life with someone who can and does do this just wouldn't be an option for me.

I think you are right to call it a day.

[cocobean2805]

I've never said this before on here but leave. Drunk + violent will only escalate. It may well be you next. My DH is a bouncer and as the wife of someone who deals with aggressive drunks on a weekly basis, unless he seeks help and/or quits drinking entitely, it can only mean trouble.

[KERALA1]

I knew I had to end it when after a night out I realised I was relieved one of my ex's ( actually really nice) male friends was staying the night with us. I felt safer because this chap was there and it wasn't just ex and I alone at the end of night out.

I knew I could never have children with someone who had this in him and I knew I really wanted children. So I dumped him. Was sad as in other ways he was great but this was too big.

[itsraininginbaltimore]

I absolutely could not be with someone like this, and would not EVER have a child with them. The stress and the constant fear would just finish me off. I hate violence and aggressive confrontation, it terrifies me and I would seriously question the motives of anyone who wants to frequent the kind of places where trouble constantly breaks out in the name of fun. Even more so if the trouble almost managed to involve them.

[itsraininginbaltimore]

always, not almost

[Jux]

I would be constantly on edge waiting for him to lose it. Best finish it, and find someone calmer and less aggressive. Really, why would you continue? There are plenty of great men out there who don't become scary when they're drunk.

You say his family are like this too? What happens at Christmas? What about when you have babies, he comes back from the pub pissed and the baby wakes, starts screaming? What if he finds fatherhood a bit too stressful and starts drinking more often?

Seriously.

[Rarity08]

My ex was like this. It ended with him physically aassaulting me when drunk. My advice would be to end it before his anger projects onto you.

[hereandtherex]

Err, nutter. Leave.

[Pandora97]

Another one voting leave. Either that or he has to stop drinking completely but I don't think I could cope worrying that he might have a drink when he goes out one night thinking one will be okay and it all gets out of hand. Then you'll end up hovering over him and worrying about him going out like he's a child. Eurgh, no. That is incredibly unattractive and crap for you. As for the violence....sounds like he deliberately looks for trouble. I think you're doing the right thing getting out of it.

[0x530x610x750x630x79]

You'd think so nomore but my ex was like this and he was a barrister.

so a man who's job it is to fight with words all day :0

[Spell99]

The trouble I have is that either of the scenarios you mention in the OP don't seem that unreasonable on their own. Its when they become a pattern.

Am i right in thinking that in each case he didn't actually get into a fight? Displaying potential for aggression is a useful defensive strategy for young males. Should have grown out of it by now though.

[Lweji]

Interesting point. He didn't actually get in a fight, because others prevented it.
Or he didn't really want to risk it. Because he might get hurt. It sort of reminded me of my ex, who threatened men but I (half his size) was the only one he actually hit.
Your call, OP.