Someone please help me work out what I'm doing

[CrapNameChange]

4 months on from discovering messages to someone else and the feelings of mistrust and anger just won't shift
I know he's doing it again, he doesn't have time to physically cheat but will sit on his phone all evening and hide it when he gets messages. It goes everywhere with him.

I brought up him snooping on my phone even though he was the guilty party- he thought I was fast asleep but I watched him do it. So no respect and no privacy even though I am the one that's hurting.

Am I a fool for wanting to see something tangible before I decide what to do next? He has an empty (deleted?) archived chat on whatsapp with a girl he's not friends with on any social media. Pretty, thin, bikini etc. Is this what I think it is?

Tried discussing my feelings tonight but it didn't get me far, he is snoring away whilst I am awake feeling poorly.

And yes I know I shouldn't put up with this, and no I don't know what to do but I've been sick all day and now I'm wide awake wanting to ramble about my shitty relationship. I can't bottle it up anymore it's destroying me.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You're miserable. Wouldn't it be better to be alone?

He's snooping on your phone for one of two reason. Shitty people tend to think everyone is shitty. Or... He thinks he can regain the moral high ground by proving you're cheating too.

Bleugh. Just get out; you'll feel so much better.

[sleepyelectricsheep]

What's keeping you there?

Do you have DCs?

You don;t need tangible evidence to leave you know. You just need to say it's not working for you and your heart isn;t in it any more.

You do not need his permission to leave.

[CrapNameChange]

You'd think, wouldn't you.

Yes, 6 month old and 3yr old from previous relationship
No job, no money, no independence, nothing

I love him, I do. I just think he's an idiot and so am I for loving someone who clearly has no respect for me.

My anxiety has flared up really badly recently, I don't know whether I'm reading more into this than there is

[Cabrinha]

You're reading less into it than there is.
You're too scared to leave him (I understand, that's not a criticism) so you're trying to persuade yourself he doesn't have time to actually stick his cock in someone else so chatting up other women is fine.
It really isn't.

I'd go to see your GP about your anxiety and take it from there to feel stronger to get rid of this cheating arsehole.

You will feel less anxiety when you're no longer with a disrespectful cheating bastard though.

[pnutter]

It's no wonder you feel like crap. X

[goddessofsmallthings]

Why did your relationship with your 3yo's df end and how long was it before you took up with the df of your 6 month old?

Did you have your own home in the interim or have you always been dependent on men for the roof over your head?

[CrapNameChange]

I think that's exactly what I'm doing Cabrinha
I just feel resigned to it to be honest, I know that's not healthy

I should have said she's almost 4- it ended mutually, it had run its course but we are very good friends now.
I've known current DP for a long time, but we have been in a relationship for over 2 years.

Yes I was dependent on both for my home but certain circumstances pushed me into it the second time.

I just want to be able to forget what happened and move past it as there is also the possibility he hasn't done anything since. But my brain won't let me

[BB9791]

Totally understand, been there it's v hard..hugs.. I can't suggest what's the best thing to do, I'm still trying to worK it out myself x

[CrapNameChange]

Thank you BB9791, it's hard isn't it
It's not as simple as just leaving, it's not just myself I have to think about
Plus, I don't even know if I want to leave, I just want it to all go away

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

It's understandable that you want it all to go away but it can't. And if you try to push it down, ignore your unhappiness and deny your feelings, they'll still keep popping up.

There's a massive temptation to always want 'more proof' and a pressure to try to 'fix' things but tbh you can't fix how you feel. You need to confront it. And then you probably need to confront him and put proper boundaries in place. At the moment, you're sweeping it under the carpet and in the long-term that can only trip you up.


Can you go to counselling on your own? Only you can decide if you can save this or if you need to walk away (personally I think the latter would be healthier but I'm just a stranger on the internet). A counsellor can help you decide what you need and want from a relationship and whether you're likely to get it in this one.