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Lots of different issues all creating a problem that i'm stuck in the middle of

(12 Posts)
Emochild Mon 31-Aug-15 23:15:33

Lots of back story here so I'll try and include everything without writing a novel

Single parent for 5 years to 2 dds, now aged 13&11 -they have the same father

For 3 years after we split ex would take the children to his parents when it was his contact weekend and leave them there -he had alternate weekend contact, I offered more but he declined

During the last year of the dds going, the behaviour of dd1 was deteriorating. EX would tell me I needed to sort it out. I didn't see the behaviour he talked about (rudeness and not wanting to join in any activities or eat with grandparents) but I talked to dd1 and told her I expected her to behave when she was at her grandparents

In the November after she started high school, dd1 had a fight with her grandparents -I've never had the full story about this fight other than ex telling me she was incredibly rude and he didn't know who she was anymore -he also told dd she was throwing her life away, pushing everyone away and would end up a screw up

She hasn't seen her grandparents since, wont talk about what happened other than 'I have my reasons for not wanting to see them'

She has only seen her dad 3 times since the fight but he still sees dd2 once a month and takes her to her grandparents

MIL occasionally sends £5 or so and still sends £20 for birthdays and Christmas

I tell dd1 to text to say thank you -I was originally checking that she was sending the texts, now I just remind her

Ex today decided to have a go at me because money was sent 3 weeks ago, his mother has never received a text off dd1 and she's upset -I know for a fact dd1 has sent several texts over the last year and a half and I've checked the number to make sure it's correct

I appreciate the fact dd isn't talking to her grandparents is rude however dd becomes visibly upset when her grandparents are mentioned. She has had a tough time since starting high school due to bullying and is currently under the CAMHS team, part way through an assessment for ASD. She's basically gone into meltdown since this happened

I don't want to add to her stress by pressurising her about her grandparents -getting her up, washed and dressed is hard enough at the moment

MIL is trying to pass messages to dd1 via dd2 which is upsetting dd2

EX doesn't believe in ASD -says its an excuse for bad patenting

I feel like going no contact with EX and his parents and if it was just dd1 I would but dd2 still has a relationship with them

I spend a lot of time sorting dd1 so dd2 must feel 2nd best, but then dd1 is totally excluded by their father

I feel like i'm going through a wringer and trying to hold on to both of them and keep them both 'safe'

If you've managed to get this far, thank you

Any suggestions about how to keep sane and also help my children?

DoreenLethal Mon 31-Aug-15 23:19:26

Can you speak to you daughter and agree to send the money back? And introduce her to the concept of 'no contact'. Then support her in what she wants to do.

Emochild Mon 31-Aug-15 23:21:51

She has refused the money before but mil refused to take it back

I think in dd's mind she already is no contact but she's not emotionally in the position to make any firm decisions right now

Onedirectionarestillloved Mon 31-Aug-15 23:23:47

I think at 13 she can decide for herself whether to see her father and grandparents.

I think your ex sounds like a dick.
He is also responsible for parenting his children but has decided to leave it all upto you.

I think I agree with Doreen about the money they send. It doesn't repkace the fact that they have mistreated your dd.

Emochild Mon 31-Aug-15 23:24:48

Oh he's definitely a dick -that's why I left him grin

Onedirectionarestillloved Mon 31-Aug-15 23:26:04

I would also be more vocal with your ex.

Don't let him speak to you like that. Put the phone down if need be, or write in an email telling him not to criticise you.

Or be like me and tell him to fuck off.

Fizrim Mon 31-Aug-15 23:35:03

I would ask again what the incident/reasons are that she doesn't want to see them (grandparents). Or get the CAMHS team to inquire. Does DD2 know what happened? Is it likely to be something really serious, has your daughter ever done anything like this before (refused to speak to/about someone?)

Emochild Mon 31-Aug-15 23:39:35

Dd2 just knows there was lots of shouting from both dd1&MIL but says she shut it out

I've asked ex what the fight was about multiple times but he just says she was rude and disrespectful

The only other time she's not told me about something is when she was being bullied at school -it took months for her to speak about that and led to school refusal -which is why we got the CAMHS referral

Emochild Mon 31-Aug-15 23:44:07

I don't think it probably was anything serious but I definitely think dd1 will have built it up to be something massive in her own mind before snapping

Mil can be dismissive of other people's feelings and opinions if they don't match her own and is quite likely to have laughed if dd said something mil perceived as being different from the norm
DD can't laugh things like that off

If I was concerned it was anything that put her at harm I wouldn't still be allowing dd2 to go

redexpat Tue 01-Sep-15 00:26:39

Do you think maybe its the confrontation thats the issue, by which i mean the act of "telling" you is very difficult for your dd. i wonder if she is replaying it over and over in her head but telling you sould be reliving it for her. Would she write down her version of events for you?

Emochild Tue 01-Sep-15 10:47:15

Both I and CAMHS have suggested she keeps a diary but she's not keen

pocketsaviour Tue 01-Sep-15 11:29:02

At 13 I would say she's old enough to make her own decisions about going no contact with her dad and grandparents. (And it sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree, eh?)

Perhaps you could tell the monster-in-law that any further money will be given to charity, as DD1 doesn't want it.

I would make it very clear that DD2 is not to be used to "hoover" DD1 and that further pressure on this is likely to mean both girls won't want any further contact.

You might find Toxic In-Laws an eye-opening read. It's available on Kindle I think. Although it's aimed at protecting your marriage, in this case you need to protect your DDs.

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