How do you get past trust issues?

[definiteissues]

NC to avoid outing myself.

How do you move past historical issues?

I was truly in love with one of my exes. We were together for several years and in most ways we had a perfect relationship. The last day I saw him he took me to the lake. As we sat there he was talking about us being together forever and how we were going to get married.

And that was the last time I saw him. He dropped me off at home and that was it. He just stopped returning my calls. He didn't even break up with me, I just eventually realised it was over. I went from "oh my god he wants to marry me" to "oh my god it's over"

It has been many years and I still can't seem to get past the mistrust I have of men in general.

I destroy relationships because I just don't believe it when people try and say they care and I am so sure that they will leave me that I end up facilitating it.

I don't want to be like this any more. But I'm not sure how to change? Has anyone managed to get past something like this? I don't want to be self destructive any more

(Please don't be too harsh, I know I am pathetic)

[ImperialBlether]

I think it would be very difficult to get past that without actually speaking to him. If that's impossible for whatever reason, though, you have to reassess what you knew about him. All of the things you knew and loved about him were probably true, but what you didn't factor in (in my opinion) is that he is the kind of person who wants to be liked. When he's in the moment, he believes it all. He hasn't the guts to tell you (or anyone - don't forget, it won't just be you) that it's all over, because he thinks you wouldn't like him then. Was he the kind of man who enjoyed making the big gesture?

It is so unbelievably cowardly to act as he did. You didn't know he was a coward as it wouldn't come up in everyday situations. He might not physically be a coward, but he will actually do anything rather than have you/anyone think badly of him.

Most people aren't like this. You're right to be wary; it must have been horrible, but you have to accept most people are not like this.

[definiteissues]

I've tried speaking to him about it. I said I wanted closure so I just wanted to know why, but he wouldn't tell me. I think he likes having me on his hook or whatever. He periodically messages me to tell me he misses me. The first time I was stupid enough to admit I missed him too. He laughed at me. I don't make that mistake any more.

I've come to a point where I can accept I didn't know him. And I think I've realised he didn't ever really care, he just liked knowing he had me.

He definitely liked gestures. If I stayed at his house he would leave me little love notes before he left for work. Or he would send a message just with xx's and nothing else to let me know he was thinking of me. Or if he was driving past my house on the way somewhere he would drive slowly, beep a few times and shout love you out the window.

Trying to accept that other people aren't like this is proving to be difficult. I stay single until I think I have moved past it and my issues are gone, but as soon as I start dating all the issues and paranoia rear up again

[Robotgirl]

Definite,
So sorry you had this happen to you. How awful.
Have you had any counselling?
I'm currently having counselling to try & understand my acute inability to trust men and to try & get a better understanding of why I sabatage relationships and run away (have done for about 15 years)
I don't trust men at all for various reasons.

[ThisIsFolkGirl]

I don't trust men at all either. I want to, but I can't.

In fact, the amount I trust a man is inversely proportionate to how much they claim/appear to like me.

[ThisIsFolkGirl]

Sorry, got interrupted. I can't because of my experiences of men. I don't hate men. I just don't trust them.

I hope the counselling works for you.

[ThisIsFolkGirl]

God I'm all over the place!

I think counselling will help. You've put up with this and tried to manage your feelings yourself and now I think it's time to get some proper help to put this behind you

[PixieChops]

I think you may need to speak to someone about these issues. What he did was awful and what you've been through must've been terrible.
I was exactly the same as you, I went out with a guy who showered me with compliments, told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and then one day he just turned round and said he couldn't be with me anymore. I don't know why, he never told me. That hurt like a bitch and I hated men for about 2 years. I'd let guys fall in love wine but then I'd just fuck them off and left them heartbroken whilst I laughed and carried on my merry way.
I feel like a terrible person for doing it but eventually after another 2 years I met my OH. He told me he loved me after a week and I was so scared because I knew for the first time in a long time that I had strong feelings too. It was only because my best friend sat me down and told me that if I ran away from this one and didn't get over my past and move on that I'd ruin what was probably the best relationship is ever have. I got pregnant 2 weeks after going out with my OH and we've been together 2 years now and have 2 beautiful children. Love will happen again whether you like it or not I'm afraid and you will eventually learn to trust again. I never had counselling but I wish I had looking back as I just went on a whirlwind of self destruction after my last break up.
You are not being daft to find it hard to trust again but one day you'll meet an amazing guy who'll completely sweep you off your feet and hopefully you'll have a best mate who'll whisper in your ear and tell you not to fuck it up!

[definiteissues]

Thanks for the kind words and thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear that others are going through similar, wouldn't wish it on anyone, it really isn't nice.

I will see if I can get some counselling, you are right, it would likely be helpful.

I'm definitely self destructive and I hurt other people by being like this. I don't like the thought that I could be causing the same sort of pain to other people.

I go up and down. Sometimes I feel like I really want a relationship and I want to feel close to someone again. I miss the little things. Sitting on the couch with my legs over his, walking along the beach holding hands, twisting me into doing a pirouette as we were walking, buying me a chocolate bar or something just because. Those aren't things I miss about him specifically but about a relationship in general.I miss having someone to call and say "oh I've had a crappy day I really need a hug are you busy"

But then other times I wonder if it is worth it and think I would just rather be on my own because I hate the thought of going through such hurt again and in any relationship there are no guarantees.

Oh I sound so ridiculous. Counselling is a good idea. I don't even know what I want.

[something2say]

It is normal to want a relationship, but also normal to be hurt after what happened to you.

It seems to me that you are aching the point where you want to put this behind you. To acknowledge the hurt and the vulnerability and to step out anyway. That's normal too, to get past things, to move forwards and heal and get back to normal more or less. (although we never forget do we x)

Why not think about what you can do to get past it?

Also, your ex sounds immature to me. The love may have been there but he clearly wasn't ready. That makes it less of a crime in my book. It's not that he didn't feel what he said he felt, it seems that he just couldn't go forwards into it.

[something2say]

The secret to living with pain I think is to soften up as time passes and become vulnerable again. There is no guarantee and it does change you, but don't harden selves to life because we only hurt ourselves. That's my response anyway. I went through so much as a kid that I became hard. Totally self sufficient. But I had to accept that I was lonely and the old record playing in my heard sounded old and not right anymore. Non hurt people don't think that way, hence I decided to soften my heart again to life, to let it in and take part, and yes I run the risk of getting hurt again, but I also take the chance on being happy. All you posters talking about ruining your lives with the long fingers of pain.....you don't seem happy with that, and it's right not to be. We assimilate pain and we come back out into happiness I think xxxx we are wiser and we have clearer eyes, but we can be happy again for sure.

[moonfacebaby]

God knows......

My marriage broke down 3 years ago because of my exHs affair & I struggle with trust still.

I've had counselling & I have to make a concerted effort to trust my current OH, but there are times when it consumes me. I have obsessed about it, searching the internet for answers & basically driving myself nuts.

I miss the person that I used to be - the one that trusted people, but most of all, trusted love. Now I really struggle to trust that love will ever last or that the man that I love won't really hurt me.

I think it can affect some people more than others - I've learnt through counselling that I have a fear of abandonment that stems from my childhood, so being on the receiving end of an affair was particularly traumatic for me. And not seeing it coming.

I try to manage mine with positive affirmations, exercise and realising that I have no control over the situation - I have to let go. Sometimes I'm good, other times I'm not. I don't let on to my OH how bad I am at times - and I don't question him about nights out or if he mentions womens names (even though I bristle at this & it's completely innocent).

I'm hoping more counselling & time will get me where I need to be - but also acceptance that I won't be the same person that I used to be.

There is always a risk involved in loving someone - it's whether you're prepared to take that risk & accept all that goes with it.

[Joysmum]

I'm getting help too. I know all men aren't bad and I love my DH very much, however I know certain feelings/situations trigger my past and self defense mode kicks in. It's not my DH's fault (or anyone else's that inadvertently trigger my insecurities and hurt) and it's something I need to work on. My ex was horrendous and betrayed my trust in the worst possible ways and I know my DH isn't like that, but I still struggle sometimes. I'm hoping I'll improve.

[Niseag]

I've not gone through anything as horrible as what this poor excuse of a man has done to you but I had issues trusting anyone - be in male, female, family, friend or stranger. A few times as a child I would tell someone something in confidence and it got back to a family member.

It sounds silly but I was promised many things that fell through and so I stopped having faith and to me a promise was made to be broken. My partner has always made sure ONLY to promise something if he knows he won't break it.

I put him through the wringer during our relationship. Think 18 year old girl who is very emotional and unstable. I struggled to trust him but as he stuck by me, in time I did trust. I always expected him to be unfaithful when he went out on a night out, raised voices would leave me shaking (due to abusive father) and if we had a row I would storm out saying it was over as the emotions got too much for me and I had to get out.

We are engaged, have been together 12+ years, I trust about 4 people now, I can speak to him about anything (as can he with me) and it has been a really long, hard road for both of us but as time went on I slowly started to trust him more and I have recently started to encourage him to go on nights out.

Take baby steps and you can get through it.
(I'm sure there was more to mine but I've recently developed an illness which means I get brain fog so memories aren't as clear as they used to be).