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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm confused...don't know how to react [TRIGGER WARNING added by MNHQ]

46 replies

outofmydepth1 · 31/08/2015 15:11

I'm not sure how to react.
Last night, during drunken sex (I wasn't that drunk..he was), dh went in wrong 'u know'....I said no and he carried on, I shouted out and pushed him off, but he didn't until I really fought him hard. I then said I didnt want to carry on even in standard way. He coaxed and coaxed and went down until I agreed. I must admit, I got back into it, but I was really hurt, and felt weird this morning. Should I say something? A part of me thinks there is no point spoiling the mood, and I'm too embarrassed. The other part feels it was a step too far from him. I'm confused.

OP posts:

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OurBlanche · 31/08/2015 15:15

You cannot be too embarrassed. You just can't.

You have to set that aside an have a frank discussion with him.

You won't know exactly what it is you are dealing with until you have had a proper discussion. So if he plays the 'oops, let's forget it' card you have to say no.

You are married. Sharing lives. If you can't discuss things like this then you can't relax into your relationship, can't trust it 100%.

It is fine for you to have different expectations of sex, but not fine if you are not able to discuss those expectations.

pocketsaviour · 31/08/2015 15:20

Do you mean his cock was at the wrong and painful angle, or that he tried to force you into anal sex?

I would be incredibly hurt and angry if I had had to fight a partner "hard" in order to get them off me after I said no. I would also be extremely pissed off with them then coercing me into sex.

I would be even more disappointed that there was no apology or discussion when sober.

I don't think I'd ever trust him again, to be honest.

NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 15:24

That's sexual assault, OP. You clearly said no and he carried on regardless. You didn't wanted to continue afterwards and he pressured you into it. Both of those things are very very wrong. You might feel confused because you're in a relationship with this man, but if a stranger or date did this to you, it would be easier to call it what it is: sexual assault.
Would you consider contacting Rape Crisis for advice?
And has he done anything like this before?
The drunkeness is a red herring by the way. It doesn't excuse it in any way.

hesterton · 31/08/2015 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverBirchWithout · 31/08/2015 15:40

You need to tell him that his behaviour (drunk or not) was totally unacceptable. If nothing like this has ever happened before and he accepts what he did was assault, it MAY be something you can work through together and you can try to rebuild trust. Otherwise you need to think very carefully about your future with this man.

summerwinterton · 31/08/2015 15:44

It wasn't just assault, it was rape.

So sorry OP - don't be embarrassed. You did nothing wrong.

outofmydepth1 · 31/08/2015 15:47

Forceful anal - yes! :-( i don't feel terribly bad about coercing because it's not seedy and it's quite common for us, as it can take that to get me in the mood... its the fact that I really shouted no, and he carried on, and I was in pain and I didn't want to. I feel that we could have dealt with it today if I didn't let him carry on afterwards. Now I just feel like....I can't be all he wants, so best not to bring it up....arghhh. I would normally try things out, but I felt forced...????

OP posts:

SilverBirchWithout · 31/08/2015 15:55

I'm a bit concerned that you feel uncomfortable challenging him about this.

OurBlanche · 31/08/2015 15:59

OK. So you say you have that sort of relationship, teasing/coercion is part of your sex play and that you would normally give things a whirl but felt forced this time.

So he could have made a very serious error of judgement (rather than leaping to the more lurid conclusions).

That makes it all the more important that you talk it over. You need to say out loud what you assumed was understood.

So do set aside your embarrassment and have that talk. You will be able to process your next step once you have done that.

Gingermakesmesick · 31/08/2015 16:00

Good grief, that is UNDOUBTEDLY sexual assault

You poor woman.

Are you all right?

Aside from emotional trauma, it's so easy to cause injury during this. I am appalled on your behalf OP and very upset.

IAmNoAngel · 31/08/2015 16:11

It's not sexual assault. It's rape. Your husband is a twat and a rapist. He was fully aware that you did not want to continue, yet he did anyway.

SassyPasty · 31/08/2015 16:25

You need to speak to him. 'Right, about last night love - we need to talk ...' his reaction to this opening line will speak volumes as to whether he thinks his behaviour was wrong or not. If he's dismissive then I would seriously rethink the relationship (to be frank, I would be seriously rethinking the relationship anyway).

I do hope you are ok, please seek medical attention if you feel that damage has occurred - do not let embarrassment stop you from seeking treatment

outofmydepth1 · 31/08/2015 23:09

Thanks to all for the advice.
He is not a rapist...we do have an intense sexual relationship...and it probably is partly my fault as I have never set the boundaries.....dh was my first and I have generally 'let him' ....which has been pleasurable..he has thus got used to introducing new things.
The problem here was that the intense pain was unbearable and perhaps it took him a while to register that I wasn't prepared.
I pondered all day (in pain) whether to say anything. After a lovely day out with the kids, I just plucked up the courage...it was embarrassing for us both as we never discuss our sex! I told him that he hurt me and I would like him to understand my no means stop immediately. He said sorry. That was it really. I hope the pain goes away soon! It was really horrible :-(

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 31/08/2015 23:14

It was rape. I know you don't want to see it that way but that is what it is was.

I'm sorry

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 31/08/2015 23:17

I'm concerned that you are still in pain. Would you consider visiting your GP and discussing what happened?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/08/2015 23:18

You never discuss sex? You just let him do what he feels like with no prior discussion, or post discussion? That's a really unhealthy dynamic. If you're old enough to fuck each other you're old enough to discuss what you like/don't like/won't do. Come on.

SilverBirchWithout · 31/08/2015 23:19

If the pai. Hasn't gone by tomorrow please please do get to a Doctor. You don't need to go into detail about what happened. But it really shouldn't still be so painful unless some damage has been done.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 31/08/2015 23:20

You need a safe word, this is a word out of the ordinary that says "i am not playing STOP NOW".

Ours is "stop that now or i will castrate you" never had to use it but it is good to know it is there. A more sensible one could be "bacon sarnies" so nothing you would ever say during sex, unless you like food play then maybe "slug stew".

outofmydepth1 · 31/08/2015 23:21

Obsidian....what I mean is that he has never introduced anything I didn't like. Is it weird that we don't discuss sex then? We obviously do before and during or when inebriated, but it's not a convo we would normally have while sitting in the living room after discussing the news!

OP posts:

Regularhiding · 31/08/2015 23:36

I don't think it's odd at all to not discuss sex

CherryPicking · 31/08/2015 23:41

He raped you OP. He'll probably do it again. You don't need him - you need Rape Crisis. Time is really important in these things so please let the police collect the evidence now before it disappears. You may not always be together, and he may go on to rape other women - if he's caught now that becomes less likely. If you won't do it for yourself, please do it to help others.

CherryPicking · 31/08/2015 23:44

How about 'stop raping me' ? Is that a good safe word?

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Getuhda348 · 01/09/2015 00:33

You said no and he carried on reguardless. THIS IS RAPE! Set your standards! He will do it again because quite clearly your letting him get away with it. Sorry to be harsh but seriously ?!! What he did is disgusting. I'm pretty sure the word no is a safe enough word! Im quite sure u won't listen to our advice but I beg of you to report him. Or at least tell your doctor so it's filed for when he does it again.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/09/2015 07:35

Yes I really do think it's odd not to discuss sex. Not that everyone should be sitting down over dinner and thoroughly discussing the ins and outs but before trying anything a bit unusual (like anal) a conversation of some sorts should be had. And if something happens which you don't enjoy (and I'm not referring to him raping you here, I mean anything that doesn't float your boat) you should be able to say so.
As to the issue of him raping you - have you ever done role play or messing about with consent before? I'm in no way excusing him at all but if you have done non consensual role play before then you absolutely need to be discussing this. You need to have a conversation about where your limits are and how you communicate when you aren't enjoying it.

please don't take this as victim blaming or rape apology - that's not what I'm saying at all. But it's very unsafe to have an edgy sex life and never discuss your boundaries and limits.

Ledkr · 01/09/2015 08:05

"We have a very intense sex life"

Not so intense that you can't openly discuss it or rely on him to stop when he's hurtibg you.

How old is he fgs? I presume he's not a teen with no self control, please don't buy into the myth that men cannot control their urges, because thsts bollocks.

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