My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can anyone explain why DP does this and what I can do to change it?

82 replies

maybelycrainpink · 31/08/2015 12:41

I have been with my DP for 3.5 years, and we have lived together for 2 years. Over the past year, I have started to feel quite rubbish about myself and feel like it is a battle with DP to be a good partner. I can't work out what is going on or why, and what I can do to change it. Maybe I am not in the wrong, I dont know. My head is all over the place.

In the last year, my DP has secretly looked at flats to buy on his own when we were supposedly saving to buy a house together. I confronted him about this, and he confessed that he had talked about it with his mum and she had said it wasnt a good idea to buy together at this stage (he's 28). I was very angry about this and told him he needed to grow up, that this was between us, that of he didnt want to move forwards then i didnt want a relationship with him etc. His response was to apologise profusely, say that he loved me so much and that he couldnt imagine life without me and didnt want to lose me.

The next big thing was him telling his mum and 2 mutual friends that he was thinking of taking a job abroad, and not telling me. When I found out, his excuse was that he didnt want to upset me until it was all finalised. I was so upset and felt embarassed in front of our mutual friends and undermined about how he had dicussed this with his mum when I was the one living with him and sharing my income and my future with him!! he didnt understand this and claimed he had done it to protect me. I then felt sorry for him and tried to explain that he needed to talk to me, not do things like that. He agreed.

A few months later, he takes the job abroad after we talk about it and i say i will support him with the decision as it is for 6 months. i later find out that the position was offered for 9 months, and he knew this all along but hadnt told me as he was worried i would end it and he didnt want to lose me. again, and big sob story about how he had messed up and i felt very guilty for shouting and swearing at him for lying to me again.

Before he took the job abroad, he agreed i could have use of his car while he was out of the uk. we had dicussed this and i explained if i didnt use his i would have to get my own car as i didnt have transport. he said it made sense for me to use his car. 2 weeks before he left, he told him he was uncomfortable with me using his car as it was 'his pride and joy,' and that he had changed his mind. i was in a shitty situation because i had no way to get too work. luckily, he changed his mind back after a huge argument and a lot of upset - i wished he had just said this from day 1 and i would have organised my own car. i thought we were a couple and therefore operating as a team to save money to together etc.

All through these times, his mum has suggested she and him move in together, and also specified that she wants to see my DP alone, without me there. This means that when he worked away and came back to visit, many of our days were spent apart because she wanted time with just him. I have always been incredibly nice to this woman, but she seemed intent on making me out to be an awful girlfriend. She deosnt speak to her ex husband and refuses to allow his name to be mentioned in the house, after 16 years of being divorced. This has hurt me a lot.

I am left feeling utterly confused at my DP's behaviour. I have done nothing but do my best by him. Each time the above events have happened, he says he loves me, is sorry and only did all these things to protect me...as if I am some child who needs to be patronised, not an adult who deserves respect. He makes me feel like im the one who makes him behave like this...as if he cant be honest with me because hes trying to protect me. it doesnt make sense and i am left wondering where i went wrong. i have always supported my DP, maybe i got too angry when he did these things and that made him apprehensive about being honest with me? all i know now is that i feel exhausted with trying to second guess his behaviour and have some kind of normal life. maybe im not capable of having that with someone, i can be quite full on in terms of wanting to move forwards.

any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

OP posts:
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/08/2015 12:44

I dont think this is something you can change. This is him. Part of his personality.

Personally id dump and run.

maybelycrainpink · 31/08/2015 12:45
  • "this has hurt me a lot" referring to DP's mum's behaviour towards me, not her ex husband
OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/08/2015 12:49

Ugh. He's not a man, is he? He's dressed in men's clothing but he's actually a boy, completely under his mother's thumb.

And yet even boys do what they want a lot of the time. I hate to hurt you but he doesn't want you - or at least he wants a quiet life with his mum more than he wants you.

There's only one thing you can do now for your own self-respect, self-esteem and sanity and that's dump him and mix with adults in future.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 31/08/2015 12:49

Dump him. Is he still working abroad?

goddessofsmallthings · 31/08/2015 12:50

You've posted about him and his dm on a number of occasions, haven't you?

Is he still abroad and, if so, when will his 9 months be up? Has he kept in regular contact with you? Do you skype/email/text on a daily/weekly basis?

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 31/08/2015 12:50

Christ, his mother seems to have some sort of mind control over him. I'd dump him.

ImperialBlether · 31/08/2015 12:50

His mum clearly wants to be all and everything to him. I assume he doesn't speak to his dad either? That is really wrong, surely you can see that?

TheoriginalLEM · 31/08/2015 12:51

Run, run fast, leave the mummy's boy with his oedipus complex

lavenderhoney · 31/08/2015 12:53

The short answer would be to leave and end the relationship.

It seems he has tried to end it a number of times and you won't let him. You're the one doing all the sharing and trying to force a relationship. He doesn't want to.

This seems harsh but look at it objectively. Moving away, agrees to see his DM without you, job hunting abroad, moving in with his DM, all these things say he would like to be elsewhere. Would it be so awful if it finished? You sound as though you've held on long enough, do you really want more years of this?

NoelHeadbands · 31/08/2015 12:55

There's nothing to be confused about, he's stringing you along love.

Easy for other people to say I know, but you really would be better getting out now before you end up high and dry.

noiwontstoptalking · 31/08/2015 12:56

Based on what you've written, he doesn't seem very grown up.

He also doesn't appear to trust you, not with financial commitment (the house), not with big decisions not even with his car.

I won't tell you what to do but I'd suggest you look down the road a bit and imagine how this would be if you added children into the mix...

lavenderhoney · 31/08/2015 12:56

Did his DM say all this to you and when did you last see her? It sounds to me more he has someone else, is that possible?

chipsandpeas · 31/08/2015 12:57

He's a mummies boy that won't change

maybelycrainpink · 31/08/2015 12:59

thanks for replies.

i have actively said i was going to leave on a few occassions, and each time he says he is devastated and loves me so much and wants to marry me etc. he says he has messed up and is sorry.

when that happens, i forgive him all over again because i love him.

his mum is controlling but he doesnt see it. he actually says he feels sorry for her. he speaks to and sees his dad, but we have to keep it a secret most of the time and last time she found out we went to visit his dad, he sent her flowers to 'make her feel better.'

i dont want to blame his mum, though. i know there are issues there, but he is his own person and is old enough to realise all that.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 31/08/2015 12:59

I think I remember a previous post of yours about his dm angling for him to buy a house with her and the discussion then was that dm has made him into a pseudo spouse, and that men like this hardly, if ever, change. The advice was almost unanimous to run away, this was not a salvageable situation and once you married, had a house together or worst of all had a child together, this had the potential to become a real nightmare for you.

Error404usernamenotfound · 31/08/2015 13:00

Each time the above events have happened, he says he loves me, is sorry and only did all these things to protect me...as if I am some child who needs to be patronised, not an adult who deserves respect.

So, at best he thinks you are inferior to him, a child who is unable to understand or accept the situation as it is and so requires a never ending series of 'white lies' to keep you quiet. At best.

What he is is a cowardly, immature little boy who wants to live the life of a single man but with the benefits of having a girlfriend.

Run for the hills.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/08/2015 13:00

He's lying to you and keeping things from you because he is a coward and a liar. You haven't made him do these things. I don't know one person who wouldn't be hurt and upset to find that the partner they were buying a house with, was also looking at flats in secret just for him.

All of his behaviour makes you feel insecure and uncertain, and that's no way to live. He isn't as invested in being in this relationship as you are. You need to end things and move on. Start by sorting all your things, buy your own car, leave all his stuff at his mother's house and then let him know you have moved on.

Ok I might be being a little childish with not telling him you've left him until it's a done deal, but that is essentially what he is doing to you. He is making decisions that affect your life without having the decency to discuss them with you, or even to let you know they're happening.

I had an ex like this and it's soul destroying. It'll get worse not better. While he's away you have a good opportunity to move on and have some distance to heal.

maybelycrainpink · 31/08/2015 13:02

lavdender im quite sure there is nobody else. i expect there could be, but he was like this when we lived together and i would have known if that was happening then. it is possible, i know. but i just dont think it is about that, because i have had some blazing rows with him about his behaviour and he could easily walk away if he'd met someone.

OP posts:
Error404usernamenotfound · 31/08/2015 13:02

Also, he values his mum's comfort, piece of mind, and ego above your needs. Sorry to put it bluntly, but he does not see you as you deserve to be seen.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/08/2015 13:02

Oh and IME people like this don't change. If you telling him his actions hurt you, after the first occurrence, didn't stop him, why would he stop now? He knows this hurts you. He doesn't want to stop. That's all you need to know.

Notabeararaccoon · 31/08/2015 13:06

I haven't posted on any of your threads before, but you've written at least twice about this before that I recall. What do you think you're going to hear differently this time? This man either does not want or is not capable of having the sort of grown up relationship you obviously want. Either way, same outcome.

What he does do, is consistently lie to you, deceive you, backtrack, and put his (slightly Hmm) weird mother before you. In everything. that is not going to change.

Same advice as before applies I'm afraid, get rid, and quickly. I'm sorry, it's very obvious that isn't what you want to hear, but the reason you keep hearing it is because it's fairly obvious to everyone reading your threads that it's the only sane option.

maybelycrainpink · 31/08/2015 13:08

i think the reason ive held on so long is that i knew he was quite messed up from the way his paretns were as he grew up. mum and dad physically fighting when he was a child, his mum telling him before bed each night that she would have to leave his dad, his mum refusing to let his dad in the house when they separated so my dp couldnt see him etc etc. i know a lot of his behaviour comes from that, but he just does not see it/refuses to see it.

i cant forgive him over and over even though i know a lot of his behaviour comes from his past, can i.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/08/2015 13:11

You can't change this as it's not you with the failings. Massive, massive failings. The writing was on the wall when you fund out he was looking at properties without involving you. I suspect he was planning to buy it and move without you.

He's a Grade A prick! Dump his arse. Without telling him. Just be totally unavailable. Give him a taste of his own medicine. I hope he'll be happy when it's only him and his darling Mumsykins.

Ragwort · 31/08/2015 13:11

I'm quite sure there is nobody else - there clearly is someone else - his mother.

You cannot stay with him, he is making it perfectly clear that his mother is the number one female in his life - he will not change.

Have some self respect and leave him.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 31/08/2015 13:11

He is an inveterate and pathological liar and will not change. The being devastated crap is all about keeping you on the hook doing his laundry, cookng, shagging etc while he makes up his mind what HE wants to do. Surprise him and dump him definitely.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.