What is this, relationship? fWB? FB?

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Ok, I'm pretty rubbish at relationships and useless at understanding men. I haven't been single long after ending my marriage, have never had what I would call 'a good loving relationship' with anyone ( ex was like a child and had mental health issues, I felt more like his mother, other relationships have been abusive or based on sex ).

I have been online dating for a few months, have met some nice people, have had one night stands and have met some real weirdos , I guess I had been looking for fun and company rather than a serious relationship.

One guy I have been talking too for a couple months, we have met a couple times for sex though we do talk a lot ( not about sex ), like me I think he's not ready for a serious relationship but then sometimes he says things that indicates he wants more than FWB, like mentioning me moving closer to where he lives. I'm not sure how I feel about him but i think I'm scared to feel anything in case he doesn't want anything more than a FB. I have been in a similar situation before where I become attached to someone who only wanted sex. A part of me just wants to keep it as a FB but then another part of me wants to sort my life out and find someone to settle down with.

I'm not sure what I have with this bloke or what he thinks we have, I know I should talk to him but I think he is confused too ( and I am petrified or rejection ). I saw him last week for a couple hours, we spent that time in bed but half the time we were just talking about day to day things and cuddling. I know it's probably a case of talking to him or ending it and finding someone else, someone who knows what they want but I can't stop thinking about him. He's probably just a mindfuck isn't he?

Feeling confused

[Dragonsdaughter]

Erh you are calling him a mindfuck when you have no idea what you really want ??

[LoveAGoodRummage]

So you have feelings for this chap? I don't think you're confused. You've said it already "I am petrified of rejection." I'm afraid you have two choices -
1/ End it and find someone who clearly wants a relationship of the type you want.
2/ Be brave and tell him you have moved away from the initial arrangement. If he feels the same, all good and if not, it's still good because your feelings will not become stronger and you can pursue what you actually want.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

I know it sounds bad, I guess I do want a relationship of some kind but I don't want to get hurt so I am holding back a little ( if that makes sense ). I think he probably wants FWB, he wants someone to talk to and he wants sex. A while ago when I asked him what he was looking for, he said he wants someone to talk too, someone to cuddle up with and sex, then he said 'I guess that means a girl friend', he doesn't make me feel like I'm his girl friend, I feel like I'm a FB and someone to moan too when he's having a rubbish day.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Cross posts.

I think you are right LoveAgood, I have to find out what's going on or I will just go crazy guessing what he wants. Part of me just wants to walk away now just to save getting too involved and getting hurt. He's not the perfect bloke, there's something about him that I really like but he's also quite immature and selfish ( talks about himself too much ), I have a habit of being attracted to needy men and I don't want to make another big mistake.

[LoveAGoodRummage]

If he's not the perfect bloke for you and you have identified traits in him which you recognise to be bad for you historically, I recommend walking away now!

[spudlike1]

, 'he doesn't make me feel like I'm his girl friend, I feel like I'm a FB and someone to moan too when he's having a rubbish day.'

Doesn't sound great ..move on explain your reasons to him and call.it a day ...you deserve better and you are single so you can move on .

[antimatter]

I know it is possible to move from FWB to steady relationship. It happened to me and we are going steady. Nearly 2 years now.

What was different between where you are now and where I was 2 years ago was that I definitely wanted proper relationship but whilst I was looking for it I allowed the start of it being drama free FWB.

If you are like tgat tell him. However so far you've only seen him twice in as many months. If you want to see him more often make it happen but you have to be honest with yourself 100% that you will honestly tell him how you feel about him. Going exclusive if both of you have some feelings for eachnother will come naturally. Just take it easy and enjoy each stage of this relationship.

[pineapplecube]

Hi Never

I am in similar situation
My bloke said right from night we met he doesn't want serious but someone to go out have fun with have dates and sex.
He's going through divorce and I am divorced.
Only known him a month but feel like I am developing feelings for him
My exh left me for OW after 20 years marriage 6 years ago never known pain like it so like you I am terrified of rejection
I want it to end now in a way as I'm scared of being hurt
So confused I feel awful
I feel for you as I know what it's like

[Blodss]

If this man really wanted a real relationship with you, he would be dating you and persuing you and getting to know you in real life and real time before jumping into bed with you. Then you get to actually know each other properly and see if you want to take it to the next level. Men say lots of things when they are having sex with you but its what they do the rest of the time that speaks volumes.

[goodcompany2]

Lots of people, both men and women , state they don't want a relationship at the outset. Maybe they believe it, maybe it's a defensive thing, maybe they just don't know. Would suggest you don't quiz him, especially as you don't know you're own mind yet.
How about just enjoying whatever you have for now and gently introduce the idea of going out for a meal before jumping into bed, or a show etc. If you can find each other interesting and fun out of the bedroom too it may naturally progress into a relationship, however you label it.
Being as you haven't had the bf/gf talk you can quite merrily continue your OLD browsing too at same time. Wonder whether he would be happy with you chatting/meeting other guys? That would speak volumes.

[Reubs15]

Maybe don't get involved with anyone until you know what it is you want?
Or if you do want this guy you need to be honest with him and tell him you want a relationship but you want to take it really slowly. If he rejects you he's not the right guy for you.
I hope you find what you're looking for

[Nevergoingtolearn]

I do speak to ther guys, he has never asked me if I do or don't and I have never asked him. He asked me to go away with him for a couple nights but I couldn't go due to other commitments. We don't see each other often due to his work commitments ( he rarely gets a day off ) and distance ,though I do think he could try harder to make time. I kind of feel guilty meeting up with other men but I don't want to miss out on meeting someone who wants more than what he possibly does. I don't think he really does romance and I don't think he's one to show his feelings, we talk about a lot of things when we chat through messaging, the sort of things you would talk about if you went out for a drink with someone but because when we see each other it's not for very long we tend to end up in bed . I have had a relationship similar to this before and it didn't last very long, he got attached to me but other than the sex there was nothing about his personality that interested me. I don't want this to happen with him ( though he is much different than the other guy ).

[Blodss]

So he is possibly having sex with other women. Are you ok with that?
Im guessing you are as you are not in a relationship anyway just sex buddies. Most men will make time for dates if they really want to get to know a woman even if they are busy and if they are smitten they they definitely do romance. He sounds like he is just using you for "now" so hopefully you are doing the same. Chatting on messenger is not the same as getting to know someone face to face and making the effort to see each other. He really doesn't sound that into you so if you want more then change what you are doing. If you don't want more and are happy with what this is, just sex, then enjoy.

[goodcompany2]

Could be so many things. Might be a slow starter but worth his gold later or an unavailable guy always. So long as you keep chatting to others and going on other dates and don't give him too much headspace you could just keep enjoying the best bits of your current arrangements and see if it fizzles or develops.

My current relationship started out as very much a casual thing supposedly and I was very unemotional about the whole thing. Kept OLD other men for months but never found them anywhere as interesting or attractive as my now BF. Our slow start seemed destined to be wholly FWB but actually having no expectations, pressures of will it work or won't it, the whole BF/GF thing, seems to have been the best foundation to a solid relationship.

I was so honest (read blunt) about what I did and didn't want from our sex/arrangement and what I did, because I wasn't scared of losing him that I haven't put up with the shit that I normally would 'coz i lurve him'. Never had the detachment to explicitly state my boundaries and rules before. Been very liberating and positive.

If it isn't doing your head in and there aren't any nasty red flags then maybe role with it but don't move closer to a relationship until he clearly asks you too.

[Joysmum]

No point in trying to identify what he thinks about things if you don't even know what you want. If you do that then you'll just end up going along with what he wants without a clue what you want.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

I don't think he's sleeping with other women but I don't know that for sure, the same as him not knowing if I'm sleeping with other men ( he's never asked me ), I speak to several men online, one is asking to meet me but it feels wrong as I don't know what's going on with him. He messages me everyday ( even when he was on holiday ) but mostly to tell me what he's been doing, if he's had a good or bad day or general chit chat. He's messaged me today to tell me what he's doing but he rarely asks what I'm doing so I'm sure I know more about him then he does about me.

I'm not in a hurry to be in a serious relationship, I don't want things moving too fast but I guess I kind of want to know if there's any chance it will end up being a relationship or if it's just FB ( if it is then I will go and meet the other guy I have been talking too ). I told him a long time ago that I was looking for a relationship but didn't want things to progress to quick and he said the same, but is this progressing at all? Is it ever going to go anywhere?

[snakesandbastards]

How about spending time on your own without seeking out relationships (sexual or romantic)?

You sound as though you need to learn to love and know yourself and to know what you want in life.

[Jan45]

Eventually you will get fed up with this, lying in bed, no dates, no going out, no being treated nice, apart from sex, really, you are probably starting to realise you want more and that's normal!

It doesn't have to be a full on serious relationship but really, what you have is pretty piss poor.

You also have no idea who he is sleeping with, he's hardly going to announce it to you - all the time you are lying down with him you could be out meeting someone who actually is prepared to make an effort.

[JellyBean31]

never I've read your posts on the dating thread........he lives too far away; hardly has a day off work and you're not that sure about him anyway....just stop talking to him, it's not like there aren't other blokes you can talk to.

Any new relationship (whatever the level of seriousness) should enhance your life, does this???

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Jan, you are right, I'm already getting bored ( the sex is good but the conversation isn't that great ). I do want more but I also don't want commitment yet but I would like to feel the person I am with feels a little more towards me.

Jellybean, I know you are right, the fact that he works so many hours and the distance means it will never work, he does keep telling me that he's making changes in his life style to free up more time but I'm not sure how hard he's willing to try.

There are other men, I haven't got a shortage of men who are waiting to date me ( I talk to 3 others ), maybe I need to start arranging other dates? I need to see that there's something better on offer .

This OLD is hard work, there doesn't seem to be many normal ish, genuine men out there, I get a lot of men contact me but most are either very odd or after one thing.