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Group of friends and not wanting to attend the wedding - what would you do?

(24 Posts)
ahataloltablue Mon 31-Aug-15 03:45:06

I'm 28, recently single. I used to be part of a close knit group of friends from school, until my mid twenties when I focused on my career, moved away from home and started to lose touch. The group didn't like that I wasn't always free to go out and meet them as I lived far away and had lots of exams. They often made comments about me on social media - nothing too terrible but basically suggesting I was a rubbish friend.

In this group all except 2 are married. One is getting married in October and I don't want to go. I am sick of the constant analysis of my life and I know that they will latch on to me being single and make me feel very uncomfortable. It feels sad as I uses to be very close to them all, but I feel like now I don't have much in common with them and maybe I am being paranoid but I don't fancy sitting alone at a wedding with lots of couples with friends who have been frosty with me since I moved away.

If I don't go to the wedding I will lose them even more, though. Having said that, they've made me feel rubbish about myself for a while through Facebook - posting images of friendship pages but not including me etx. I don't really know what I did other than not be free to party when I took exams. I also tried to stay in contact via phone.

I don't know what to do. Any advice please?

Charis1 Mon 31-Aug-15 05:08:43

go and have a nice time. I'm sure you have built up/ are building up other friendships, but there is no need to cut yourself off from this group entirely, is there? Just tell them you are happy to be single, and happy with your life, and be friendly.

Aussiebean Mon 31-Aug-15 05:23:48

There's a lot of arm chair psychiatry that can be used here as to why these friends are constantly putting you down.

I am going to go with jealousy (you are doing something they would love to do but don't have the courage. ) or selfishness (you aren't there anymore).

I find it quite ironic that they are accusing you of being a bad friend, when in fact a good friend would have supported you in your endeavours and would have been happy for your success. Not tear you down. So they are being exactly what they are accusing you of.

Go for old time sake or not go. If you do, go with some stock phrases. But I think these friendships may have run its course.

Penfold007 Mon 31-Aug-15 05:29:47

It's perfectly normal to outgrow some friendships. Sounds as though you've outgrown this old friendship group. It's an invitation not a summons, just politely decline and block any childish comments on social media.

HeyDuggee Mon 31-Aug-15 06:44:21

Why do something you don't want to do? I wouldn't go if I suspected my former "friends" were going to be taking it as an opportunity to criticise and gossip about me, instead of catching up with me. If the bride or groom actively participated in this, there would be no question about it. If they didn't, I'd send a gift with an apology and if that was accepted with any snide comments, I'd drop them too.

Friends don't make you feel like shit about your accomplishments.

tribpot Mon 31-Aug-15 07:49:12

Growing away from school friends is quite normal. It seems pretty clear from what you've posted that they are ganging up on you to make you feel bad - by definition therefore, they're no longer friends.

Be diplomatically unavailable for the hen night and wedding, send a gift and your best wishes and move on.

ThatsNotMyHouseItIsTooClean Mon 31-Aug-15 08:01:56

How close are you to the bride or groom? I always felt a bit like the hanger on to my group of friends even at school & quickly lost touch with all of them apart from one on leaving school. That one I remained close to & our friendship deepened as we spent more time together without the others. 10 yrs later she got married & I knew I had no choice but to go. I didn't enjoy it but it was 10 hours of my life and £300 on travel, hotel & gifts but another 10 years later we are still really good friends & I couldn't imagine having not been at her wedding.
Another friend from a gang I'd been part of when first working but subsequently lost touch with got married, invited me with the standard 8 weeks notice (so no save the date months in advance) and, whilst I wasn't busy the moment I received the invitation, I frantically made some plans which couldn't be re-arranged, sent a card & present & called her a week or so before the wedding and again a couple of weeks once they were back from honeymoon. I think my last lack of attendance was probably the final nail in the coffin of that friendship but we hadn't seen each other much in the past few years anyway.

Olddear Mon 31-Aug-15 08:09:46

Decline the invitation. It sounds like it would be more uncomfortable to go than to refuse. I would just quietly drop these 'friends' and move on.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Mon 31-Aug-15 09:10:52

Facebook has a lot to answer for once again. Here it is being used to make excluding comments designed to make people feel miserable. These comments wouldn't be made in real life. In other words, if it wasn't for FB there would be no platform for the snarkiness and you would be none the wiser. Leave FB!

But go to the wedding. What's the worst that can happen? You can leave at any time you want. Give them one last chance and see what happens - you have nothing to lose.

ForalltheSaints Mon 31-Aug-15 09:43:11

Seems best to decline in my view.

spudlike1 Mon 31-Aug-15 11:13:02

It would be more empowering to go
Get yourself a gorgeous outfit so you feel and look fab .
Chat to everyone be sociable
Leave when you feel like it leave early infact.
view all these friends at a distance emotionally , you don't need them anymore.
If you don't go it may reinforce your negative feelings about yourself left out excluded etc.

pocketsaviour Mon 31-Aug-15 11:15:58

They sound like they're still stuck as bitchy teenagers. Weddings are usually either bloody boring or ridiculously, drunkenly dramatic anyway IME so why on earth would you put yourself through that for someone who's a bitch to you in public?

Reubs15 Tue 01-Sep-15 12:53:35

Don't go. Make new friends and just think of them as a previous chapter in your life. This happened to me. I couldn't go to things at the last minute due to working and doing a masters. I decided I would prefer to have friends who supported me rather than making me feel like a bad person for trying to achieve something.

winkywinkola Tue 01-Sep-15 14:25:02

I'd go. I would aim for subdued expensive elegance in my outfit. I would be so friendly and nice and chat to everyone, showing active interest in their lives. I would be faultlessly neutral, not rising to any bait whatsoever.

Then I would go home knowing I had done nothing to aggravate bitchiness. If any bitching happened afters on FB or whatever, I would just disappear from their lives permanently. Quietly and without any fuss. They just wouldn't hear from me again at all.

Jan45 Tue 01-Sep-15 15:12:35

So it's all down to them that the friendships have dwindled, sounds like you had a party to play yourself, people do stop asking if a person never makes the effort, sorry but you are coming across as not wanting anything to do with any of them so you either don't go and cut the contact for good or go and make an effort to get back some of the fun you once had with them, if you ever did?

MadeMan Tue 01-Sep-15 15:26:07

Don't go if you really don't want to, just say you'll be away camping that weekend or something.

I generally feel that most people you meet in life are just there through circumstances and situations. When things change; so do the people.

diddl Tue 01-Sep-15 15:40:08

Don't go.

They think that you are a rubbish friend.

WTF would you dress to impress?

As if they give a fuck!

Gymbunny1204 Tue 01-Sep-15 15:49:39

Unless you think you'll still be friendly (not that you are now) in five years time, go. If you feel relief at the thought that you'd be ill on the day or have a prior engagement, don't.

These people are not your friends. They are putting you down to make them selves feel powerful hmm.

Nanny0gg Tue 01-Sep-15 19:00:07

You've moved away, you see little of them. Doesn't sound like there's much friendship left

What would be the point of spending money on the trip, the outfit, the wedding present and goodness knows what else, to have a miserable day?

Cut your losses and defriend on Fb.

campervan67 Tue 01-Sep-15 19:07:59

I dunno... If they used to be good friends I would give it a chance. If you don't go it's basically cutting off the friendships forever. If it's just the being single thing worrying you, I would go. I managed to grit my teeth and bear it through a friend's wedding 6 months after my DH of 8 years and father of my DC had left me for another woman. Surrounded by married couples who didn't know what to say to me.It wasn't half as bad as I thought and I got very drunk

diddl Tue 01-Sep-15 20:36:38

Do you care enough about the bride & groom to go as that's what it's about imo?

amarmai Tue 01-Sep-15 22:57:17

Life goes on and in the next few years some of these marriages will be breaking up . Don't be surprised if you get contacted then . Go /not - whichever is less likely to bother you.

catlover97 Wed 02-Sep-15 12:01:06

It sounds as though you've outgrown them and would view it more as an (expensive) ordeal than something to look forward to. I wouldn't bother.
Concentrate on your life as is now as that sounds much more positive and healthy.
And block their posts on the dreaded FB flowers

ShortandSweeter Wed 02-Sep-15 12:36:14

Put the analysis aside... you should ask yourself if you want to go or not. If so, go. If not, then don't.

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