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Is it ok?

(11 Posts)
mysticlogistic Sun 30-Aug-15 23:25:43

To A) Post a question asking for advice on a situation where there is quite significant domestic abuse?
B) Which section is best for me to post this question if at all allowed
C)Is there anything other than the obvious naming and identities that I should be leaving out?
Im really worried about somebody and no idea where to go from here.

forthispostonly Sun 30-Aug-15 23:32:02

PM'd you, OP

sleepyelectricsheep Sun 30-Aug-15 23:33:49

A. Yes it's OK as long as you do not identify them

B. This is the best section

C. Keep it as general possible.

Perhaps - this actually isn't about your friend, it's about what you can do to help them, and that is quite a general question.

You could ask what a friend can do to help another friend in an abusive relationship, then you would not need to reveal any details.

mysticlogistic Sun 30-Aug-15 23:49:48

If here is the best place, I guess I want to know if the right thing to do is to report it, and if so then who to?

Im not sure how vague to be but DH is having some mental health issues, undiagnosed for a long time and finally getting help. They stem from a violent childhood. Mum getting very very physical with dad and kids. He has had therapy and is NC with his parents and brother and doing really really well now after quite a seriously turbulent year or two.

The problem is we've been talking tonight about his dad, who is controlled massively in just about every single way possible. Physically is the one were really worried about as we think his mum has MH issues and there are events coming up that are likely to make her more unstable, She is quite unstable at the moment. DH is sure his dad won't leave his mum, They've been together a long time and he is controlled in other ways, financially, he's not allowed to use a computer or a phone ect. He thinks he has no way out. But the one that concerns us the most is his physical safety as she is really unhinged at the moment and going by whats happened in the past, the events coming up are quite worrying for us.

I think DH is worried to report it because he's worried that it won't be taken seriously because its woman attacking man, and that if its reported and they find out but nothing happens things could potentially be even worse for his dad. But we literally sat talking tonight and its like do we just hope for the best (and not sleep at night) or report it and when? Who to? Police? Adult social services? Will they even believe us? We have plenty of evidence but his dad is almost 100% likely to deny it because he's so ashamed and scared.

I just feel sick.

forthispostonly Sun 30-Aug-15 23:56:13

I think you need to try to do something for your own and your DHs peace of mind but you may struggle to get your FIL to accept help?
There's some good advice here on NHS website

goddessofsmallthings Mon 31-Aug-15 01:17:42

How old are your dh's parents? 50's, 60's, 70's or older? I appreciate that you nc with your ils but would you be able to speak to your fil without your mil being present, and do you live near enough to be at their home within a short time if he texts/calls you?

Has your mil received treatment for her mental health issues, or have these not been recorded on her medical history as far you know?

Your fil's situation is not unusual and many men are reluctant to report the dv they suffer out of fear they won't be believed and that doing so may provoke the spouse to further acts of violence against them. The sense of shame felt by dv victims is common to both genders.

The problem is that social services, the police, mental health professionals etc are by and large powerless to act unless the victim, or the abuser, reports to them or they are called out by, say, a concerned neighbour or passer by when an incident is taking place.

I suggest that in the first instance your dh (as next of kin), or you acting for him with his permission, make contact with his dps' GP and report your concerns. This may be better done in writing and sent recorded delivery enclosing copies of whatever evidence you have of the abuse your fil is enduring.

I also suggest that you make contact with your ils' regional authority Adult Services and ask to speak to a social worker who is experienced in elder abuse, outline your concerns, and send them a similar letter to the one you've sent to the GP by way of a follow up.

While this may not in itself lead to any action being taken it will serve as a reference point should, for example, your mil accuse your fil of abusing her or if he should claim that any non-accidental injury he sustains was caused accidentally.

The Action on Elder Abuse freephone helpline can be found here www.elderabuse.org.uk/Mainpages/Services/services.html and they may be able to offer alternative suggestions that will enable you to worry a little less about your fil's plight.

I'm pleased to learn that your dh has benefited from therapy and wish you both well for the future.

mysticlogistic Mon 31-Aug-15 07:58:40

Thank you so much both of you. They are early 50s and very much fit and healthy but by the sounds of it this has been going on quite seriously for such a long time that he would just outright refuse any suggestion of it. But he knows inside iykwim.
DH had to appear in court a few weeks ago, like i say he has had a really bad year with it. Were talking a really middle class family here, They came to the court and when DH was talking he was explaining to the judge how he had been NC with them because his upbringing had been quite violent and they started laughing in the court to the point where they were thrown out. I don't know what to make of it. Do you think sending the letter to the GP would actually help? As in would they take it seriously? It just feels like a minefield but we both agree that she's that unstable DHs words were that one of them is going to end up in either prison or hospital or worse.

forthispostonly Mon 31-Aug-15 17:03:10

Even if your letter makes the GP stop and think about your FIL and question things wrt him, it will be worth it, surely?
Speak to some of the support networks out there as I'm sure they will have encountered similar situations before and would be best placed to advise you and your DH of what steps, if any, to take.

SoleBizzzz Mon 31-Aug-15 17:09:06

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse/domestic_abuse_against_men

OurBlanche Mon 31-Aug-15 17:13:21

We did something similar for MIL. SFIL was an unpredictable, mean spirited alcoholic. Her GP did manage to start a supportive conversation with her, so it would be worth doing.

Sadly, if they are in their 50's and seemingly well, there is probably nothing much you can do. Though the links above may offer more help.

Just continue supporting your DH in making the best decisions for him.

Good luck xx

mysticlogistic Mon 31-Aug-15 20:45:27

Thanks guys. Its really difficult to actually talk to him as he's just too scared of what she will do. Ill have a good look at it all with DH and see what we can do if anything.

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