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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Don't know whether to be proud or worried

34 replies

jezestbelle · 30/08/2015 09:49

DS (18) and I were invited to lunch yday at his aunts (also Godmother) my SIL house. Her partner of 5 years is I am sorry to say bloody unpleasant and noone in the family likes him. He doesn't seem to work although thinks he is a great intellect and essentially sponges off her. She is lovely but a soft touch.
Anyway we keep in touch as noone else does for her sake. Her partner sat with his dinner on his big belly ranting about the Middle East and at one point demanded dessert. DS who is a very reserved young man doesn't say boo to a goose suddenly tore a strip off him, about how dare he speak to his aunt like that, it is clear he doesn't respect women etc. Very embarrassed silence followed by a quick departure. Now this idiot man is emailing saying we aren't welcome there any more and am I proud of raising a gay son( he isn't gay but so what etc) I worry for SIL as she is trapped with this buffoon but I am also very proud of my DS for stepping in...

OP posts:

Report

BifsWif · 30/08/2015 09:52

Well done to your son, you should be proud of him!

This man is a bully and obviously doesn't like it when someone stands up to him. Can you keep in touch with your SIL via phone/email? Even though you can't visit I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open.

IndomitabIe · 30/08/2015 09:55

I'd be proud of your son. He'll learn the eggshell games we play for the sake of family relationships eventually but at 18 he'll have a very acute perception of what's fair and right.

If I were you, I'd continue to see your SIL, but away from her partner. Maybe the outburst will help her see the partner in a new light. Can you help her build a separate life?

Sounds like he felt exposed by it, given the reaction. If he was secure in his conviction he wouldn't let a teenage outburst affect him so much.

If I were you I'm not sure I could spend time with a person like that anyway. Don't reply to his emails.

category12 · 30/08/2015 09:56

Be proud of your ds, good job . Men calling out other men's misogyny is great.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 30/08/2015 10:02

Yep, I agree. Tell your son you're proud of him and isn't Uncle Ignorant an old fashioned oaf, and arrange to see SIL on more neutral ground in future.

MythicalKings · 30/08/2015 10:05

Your son is wonderful. Tell BiL that and that he isn't welcome in your home either, although his DW will be.

jezestbelle · 30/08/2015 10:35

Sound advice, thanks. He isn't technically my BIL as they aren't married. She is mad mad mad to stay with him but she would be very lonely on her own. I am still surprised at DS reaction although he did say he has had run ins with workmates over sexist comments. My little feminist

OP posts:

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/08/2015 10:39

Be proud as hell. Your son is a man.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 30/08/2015 10:43

Hey, it works for Adam Hills !

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2015 10:44

She is even more lonely being with that man as well as being totally downtrodden.

Well done your son for calling this arse of a bloke on his behaviour. Bullies like her man are really all bluster. Hopefully it will make her think.

What was her reaction, if any, to your son tearing off this man a strip?.

I would not bother to reply to his e-mail but keep the door open for her.

purplepandas · 30/08/2015 10:47

Your son is a star! I am so impressed at his comments. I hope that you can still see your SIL. I agree with others that easiest away from this unpleasant individual. I would not reply to the email either.

LIZS · 30/08/2015 10:49

Definitely , what a great young man he is.

jezestbelle · 30/08/2015 10:57

How did SIL react? The same way she does to everything, with silence. I think she secretly knows DS is in the right but can't acknowledge it.

OP posts:

ARV1981 · 30/08/2015 11:00

Wow, you've done a great job bringing up your son! Congratulations! He sounds like a fabulous young man. You are right to be proud.

I would keep your lines of communication open with your sil. Its important that she knows she can come to you if necessary.

for your awesome parenting skills!

ecuse · 30/08/2015 11:07

I would be so proud

tallwivglasses · 30/08/2015 11:34

I'd be tempted to forward her the email this dickhead sent. Indeed you should be proud, you've done a good job raising your son.

MairzyDoats · 30/08/2015 11:43

I'm proud of him, never mind you! . Can you contact your SIL independently of her partner knowing? You should let her know that you think your son is right, and that she has your full support should she ever want to leave. Poor woman, stuck with him!

jezestbelle · 30/08/2015 11:47

I cannot take all the credit but thanks. I didn't know he thought like that although he is always quiet and polite. Maybe I can stop worrying about him going to university now. He's been 8 years in an all boys school and seemed terrified of girls especially but now hopefully he is ok

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 30/08/2015 13:57

you should definitely be proud of him, that's great. If more people did the whole "oh look at the elephant in the room" routine about this sort of thing, the world would be a very different place.

Good for him. I'm sure he'll be fine at uni.

on subject of SIL - well, I hope she gets rid of him but it doesn't sound as if she will.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/08/2015 15:25

Good for DS! Your SIL may ponder on what he said over forthcoming weeks. It was obviously a shock to SIL's DP and his ranty email only shows he can add homophobia to his list of unpleasant attitudes.

Being quiet and shy around females is not automatically going to scupper DS's chances to socialise as an undergraduate btw.

pocketsaviour · 30/08/2015 18:10

Good for him! Sounds similar to my DS (20) :)

As a pp said, I'd reach out to her separately and let her know you won't be socialising in the presence of this cunt again, but would love to meet her away from the house, and you'll be there with bells on when she decides she's had enough.

Atenco · 31/08/2015 01:01

Oh your son sounds wonderful, I would be over the moon proud of him. I hope his godmother realises what a treasure he is.

MotherOfFlagons · 31/08/2015 01:05

Be proud.

The DP sounds like exactly the kind of tosser who thinks women are slightly thick servants but gets all Pankhurst about women in veils.

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DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 31/08/2015 07:54

You've raised a good 'un OP.

thehypocritesoaf · 31/08/2015 07:58

Very proud. It must have taken a lot of courage.

cosytoaster · 31/08/2015 08:24

Another vote for proud.

I'd try and contact SIL to let her know you're there if she ever needs you but I wouldn't be visiting again.

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