ive had enough

[poohbearonachair]

ive changed my name for this as dh has been coming on mn to find out what ive been saying.

i feel so stuck in this marraige.he works away alot,leavng me at home with the kids.i dont mind,but when he comes home hes just so different.

it has crossed my mind that hes having an affair,but he obviously denies this.

we used to be so happy,we never argued up until recently.hes changed so much.he says hes just tired,but i dont buy that for a second.

the minute hes home,hes shouting at the kids,swearing them,which upsets me so much and he knows this.when i say anything to him,he just tells me to f off.if i ask him anything,hes really moody and nasty in answering me.

he never used to be like this,and i just dont knwo what to do.ive asked him if he wants us to split up and he says no,and that he loves me,but i just dont feel love anymore.

ive got to the point where i dont want to speak to him incase he goes off on one on me.this morning i was brushing my hair and he said "have you seen how fat youve got"i had to fight back the tears.i know im not as thin as i used to be,but ive had kids,and ive not put that much weight on,i was a size 10 when we got together 12 years ago,and now im a 14/16.but i think thats due to kids and age!!

when i said i would diet he said "why,you arent going to get another man fancying you"

he puts me down all the time,he wont let me go out with my friends,and slags them off when i mention them.

we havent had sex for about 6 months,he said i repulse him.i had a mc at the beginning of the year,and he is constantly throwing it back in my face,saying ive got something wrong with me and that it was my fault.i look at him and i feel so sad.i remember how we used to be,and now its like hes a different person.i dont even know if i love him anymore.

i just dont know what to do.part of me says leave because its all over,and another part says i cant because of the kids.despite him being so awful to them,my dd thinks the sun shines out of his bum.itd break their heart if i took them away from him.

sorry this is so long,but needed to tell someone,it desnt matter if no one replies,i just wanted to get this off my chest.

[Mumpbump]

Bluddie hell! He sounds really abusive to me. What an awful thing to say to somebody you "love". If he is really busy, can you book in a time to sit down and talk? I do this with my dh sometimes, give him a bit of warning that I want to have a discussion and ask when would be best. That means that when you do sit down, you are doing it at a time which is mutually convenient and will give it your full attention. Map out what you want to say about how he is making you feel, consider what you want out of the discussion and try to keep calm when discussing it - easier said than done, I know! If you think it will become heated, consider going somewhere public to limit the reaction... Alternately, do you think he would go to counselling?

[Sheraz]

PB tis is no way to behave, he is eroding your self esteem with these jibes. He says he loves you but he shouldn't treat you like this. Something needs to be done. Either a good talk, or maybe counselling. I am thinking of counselling as I feel my marriage is hitting rock bottom and like you i do not want to put my kids through the upset of a split.

[prettymum]

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

you have to do what is right for you!! he is making you so unhappy, you shouldnt be with someone who treats you like dirt, and makes you feel inadequete (sp?).

i know its hard but only you can decide is right for you and your kids.

but if that was me, i would try and talk to him and tell him how he makes me feel and for him to be swearing at the kids, that is not on!!

if he continues to disrespect you and your kids i think you should tell him to leave and see how he reacts, he is no role model for your kids if he is treating you like crap and talking to them like crap. in order for your kids to be truely happy, they need a happy and strong mummy who can stick up for them.

good luck {{{{{{hugs}}}}}

[ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem]

Pooh bear, he is being a complete bastard but then you know that. The question is why! There is no excuse for the way he is treating you.. but I am wondering about the reasons for it when you say it's such a big change.

Could he be depressed?
Is he unhappy in his job?
Does he have health worries?
Does he drink or use and other kind of drug?
Do you have any family hassles/pressures that could be getting on top if him?

I know it's hard but you need to tell him that you are very worried about your relationship and about how his behaviour/character has changed. You also need to express to him that you won't/can't put up with it forever and that he needs to consider that and even if he has no explanation for you there and then, that you should set aside a time to talk and really discuss this. If he won't then this is another problem and I doubt he would consider counselling either.

Tell him you are not going to subject the children to his shouting and swearing indefinitely and he needs to consider that too.

When he says such cruel things to you I know it must feel like a stab in the heart, but try to tell yourself that he is saying these things because of his own (as yet unknown to you) issues because this IS what's happening.

You are NOT fat.. and were you inclined to put yourself 'out there' other men WOULD fancy you, whether you dieted first or not. He is talking out of his arse.. the question is.. why.

(((hugs)))) You must be feeling quite awful about all this. You aren't alone.. there are lots of people on here who will support you and give you strength and courage to deal with all this.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

I dont know what has changed him but this is just not on pb.

For whatever reason, he has changed his attitude towards you and its not nice, its not on and it has to stop.

He feels the need to be controlling - which is why he is eroding away your self esteem. He may have reasons behind him doing this - but - that doesnt mean its okay for him to treat you this way.

Your daughter may well think the sun shines out of his arse - most daughters think this - that doesnt mean he is good for her and that he should be around her. He is doing far more harm than good by being around his family and behaving this way.

You need to be strong, and talk to him. He needs to understand that you are all unwilling to live with him if he continues as is. He has a choice - to change or move out.

I honestly think you would be better off without a father figure in the family, than a poisonous father figure.

Talk to him, be strong, dont let him break you. If you need to fall apart or let off steam - we are all here.

[poohbearonachair]

thank you everyone.ive got tears rolling down my cheeks now.i jst feel so alone.

hes gota really good job,that he loves,he never stops talking about it.hes healthy,he doesnt drink or do any drugs.

i asked him if he was just feeling stuck in a rut,you know how mundane things can get.he said the only thing he was stuck with was me.that was when i asked him if he wanted us to split up.

i know he wont go to counselling,i was a counsellor,thats the ironic thing about all this!!we met when i was working as a counsellor fro his sister.so i know he definately wont go to counselling.

ive asked him if hes just not attracted to me and he says he hasnt found me attractive since the day we met.in my head my know he is being liek this becasue of his insecurities about something,but in my heart i believe him.all the horrible things he says,you hear it so often that you believe it must be true.

he has no money worrys,tahst down to me.i pay all the bills and buy the food.the only thing he pays is the mortgage.he says his money is his as hes worked for it and in his own words "all you do is sit on your arse all day so why should i give you my money"i am at home all day,but with the kids.our youngest is 18 months.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep.

If all you do is get paid to sit on your arse - you may as well get paid to sit on your arse and not have someone verbally and emotionally abuse you, mightnt you?

You and I know thats not what you do....but honestly - he needs a reality check......

[prettymum]

he is a bully, and needs to have a reality check, you deserve better, he needs to be kicked out!!

[Carmenere]

Tbh the thing that horrifies me is that he is blaming you for the m/c That is really, really cruel.
You mention that you think he may be having an affair, do you think it is possible that he is trying to get you to throw him out(by being truly obnoxious) so he can leave without being the 'bad' guy so to speak?

[Iklboo]

Sounds to me like he's trying to "push" you out. My ex was like this - verbally abusive & controlling, trying to make ME be the one that left/threw him out so he could come over as the "victim" to everyone (I didn't, he ended up leaving and everyone hating HIM for it).

There's something seriously wrong with him if he claims he's never found you attractive. WTF did he marry you for if he didn't?

He sounds quite pathetic to be honest. Using the old "have you seen how fat you've got" line. Yes dear, I'm comfort eating because you're a pathetic, whining, useless-in-bed twunt. I've had better orgasms doing the washing.


PLUS - if your daughter witnesses his behaviour towards you, she might think this is the norm in a relationship and end up with somebody the same.

Kick him out, change the locks.

[Mellowma]

Message withdrawn

[poohbearonachair]

i have thought he wants me to be the one to throw him out so that everyone wil feel sorry for him,but i know somehow he would manage to turn it to being my fault.

ive been so supportive to him for as long as weve been together.he had a career change this year,well i say change,hes still got his job but hes taken on another part time job.its abit hard to explain without saying too much for him to see what ive been saying!he doesnt work his second job all the time,hes on call,and only gets called out in emergencies,but tbh,he hasnt been out for a few weeks.

it is in the front of my mind taht he is having an affair.but when i ask he just denies it.

i have tried talking to him,but he just ignores me.or says 'oh here we go again'i feel like i cant win whatever i do.

i threw him out 3 years ago,but let him back.well,he actuallt moved out,kept his key so just cme and went as he pleased,and eventually stayed.then we had dd.i think he just went along with us having a baby to keep me quiet or give me something else to think about.

i wish i had the courage to throw him out again.but i havent.i just dont want to hurt my kids

[littlemisspiggy]

Oh I'm sorry for you. I agree with what everyone especially Shinystar says. There must be something behind the change.

[ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem]

Why did you throw him out 3 years ago PoohBear? I thought he used to be different and treat you well and that all this behaviour was a recent-ish change?

If you have been coping with this behaviour for years it really is time to stop putting up with it.. it couldn't possibly be harder on your own that living like you are..

[poohbearonachair]

he had been working away and when he came back i went to do his washing,found something in his bag that i wasnt happy about (without being too gross,it was on his clothes)

anyway i questioned him about it and said i was being stupid,and that it had happened when he saw me!!(think thats given it away what it was!!)i said i didnt believe him as they were in his bag!

so i lost it packed his bags and threw him out.i had more confidence then,and wouldnt put up with it.

i guess i put up with it now out of fear of being alone.he tells me i need him.

hes actually just rang me whilst i was typing this!he asked me if i was on mn and i said no!i know he'll now go and check.

[Pann]

I am very sorry all of this is happening.

But, he is sounding like a real bully, who is looking for a "result" and doesn't have the courage to take action himself, so is pushing you bit by bit to do it. Being a coward in this regard fits in with being a bully, I'm afraid.

No, no-one should be being treated like this, esp. from their "loved one"....it is the TOTAL lack of respect for you that pervades your entry.
IMHO, you do need so much to make a plan for yourself and the little ones (after seeking the best advice possible). It doesn't sound as if things are going to get any better.....

[tiredemma]

omg- what an absolute wanker. What benefits do you get from your relationship with this awful, horrible nasty little man??


sit on your arse all day? I would really do that then, I would not wash his clothes, cook his tea, do anything for him until he could see that you do not sit on your arse all day.

I cant see how he can be good for your mental state of mind. Have you contacted Womensaid for a chat?



Also bear in mind that although your daughter may think that he is the dogs nuts, she will grow up to believe that all men can treat their partners like crap, and could end up with something equally as horrific as your husband.

in the meantime, until you can decide what is best for you to do, Clean the bog with his toothbrush everyday. I can assure you that inside you will feel some slight relief

what a tosser.

good luck to you. Hope you can find a way to resolve this.

[wannaBe1974]

Firstly, delete all your internet history, including your internet temporary files so he can?t come home and check up on what you?ve been doing on the computer. Even if you?ve changed your name, he could still check on what you?ve been doing on mn for instance ? he doesn?t need to know.

Secondly, you think he?s having an affair, so what you need to do is to find some evidence. Is he protective of his mobile phone for instance? Does he have it on silent? Does he take calls and leave the room? I know it?s difficult to find out, esp if he?s away, so covering up might be easier then, but if you have some evidence, then you will have a reason for the behaviour. Get hold of his mobile phone while he?s in the shower. Change the settings to save all outgoing texts and to save the call log. If he doesn?t know you?ve had the phone he?ll have no reason to suspect you?ve done this. And then when he comes back next time you check the phone again. He will deny if he?s having an affair because he thinks you have no way of finding out.

If he?s having an affair you can confront him with the evidence and act accordingly. If you don?t find evidence of an affair, then maybe it?s just the way he is and only you know whether you can stay in a relationship like that. But if you stay, it should be for you. Because if you stay for the kids, firstly, kids are very perceptive and can pick up on tention/emotion, if you are not happy, they will not be happy. If you leave, it will initially be heartbreaking for them, but happy mummy will make for happier children. and secondly, if you stay because of the kids, what happens to you when they?ve left home? Will you look back over the past 20 years and realize that you wasted that much of your life and now have nothing to show for it? Whatever you do, you have to do it for you. Good luck x

[Rocklover]

Reading this, all I can think of is this man is abusing you emotionally and you need to stop it right now. I take it your name is on the mortgage, so you have rights; I personally agree with all those who say throw him out, it really doesn't matter what he tells other people as he will show the real him at some point.

If you really want to save this marriage I still think a period of separation is needed as you both need space to reflect and calm down. The main thing is you don't want your children learning how to disrespect you from him. I know it is hard, but you really need to act before it all gets too much for you, if you need some advice call the CAB or even the Samaritans and they can give you unbiased advice.

So sorry for you, good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Mumpbump]

I do not think you should stay with someone solely for the sake of children. I truly believe it is worse to grow up in an atmosphere of tension and unhappiness. My dh was (his own words) completely depressed by the end of his previous marriage. His ex apparently thought he was useless and used to take the p*ss out of him with her sisters in front of his own children.

I think he is much happier with me because we are in a caring relationship and look out for each other, support each other, etc and I am sure his children are better for it because they are in a happy environment when they are with us.

It is no loss to lose someone who is abusive and it is not always better to be with someone. Do you have friends and family around who can help you if you do decide to go?