Want to leave EA husband but don't know how!?

[Monkeychopsthethird]

Hello,

I hope you all don't mind me posting, I read this forum daily however don't really post as I am not the best advise giver but hope others will be kind enough to offer some to me.

I've been with my husband for nearly 7 years, married for only 3 months, with 2 very young DC. We both jointly own a house, he pays the mortgage as I don't work and he does.

Basically I am just so so tired of him I feel worn to the ground and my confidence is at an all time low. I'm constantly walking on eggshells having to watch what I say and what I do in case I set him off, I feel like I can't just be 'me' anymore. His outbursts and put downs are always my fault and there is seldom an apology and if there is of course the insults always come thick and fast again not too long after.

I am a SAHM and to be honest I don't really enjoy it and have been looking to go back to work part time but haven't had any luck thus far. I get absolutely no time to myself barely, I am almost always with this kids and don't get me wrong I bloody love the bones of them but I barely see anyone do anything apart from baby talk, change nappies, do chores. I went out for an hour today just to the shop with my mum as I just needed to get some space a breather, that's already been thrown in my face 'you f*ed off for an hour today leaving me with the kids'. Seriously he works all week at a job he loves, barely sees them at a weekend as we are doing up our house and makes me feel guilty when I leave them with him for a short while to have a breather. He'd spent all the morning with my dad shopping for building supplies but it's ok for him and not me? I never ask for time to myself he says it's ok but it always get thrown back in my face at some point, so if I do go out I'm rushing, worrying I'm taking too long etc as I feel guilty.

Sorry I went on a bit of a rant there but it was nice to get it out, I don't speak to anyone about it. The final straw for me was today when he called me a 'joke' I just burst into tears in front of the kids I just couldn't help it. I already feel so low, he just kept ranting even though I was in floods of tears. He's now ignoring me bashing around like it's all my fault. I've probably nagged him too much about something that's not mine to nag about ie the building work he's doing. My confidence can't take anymore I just feel so crap at the moment the outbursts are getting more often and nastier and I don't want the children to have to see it.

I told him not to come home one day a couple of weeks ago and I was so relieved when he agreed. He came home half an hour later than usual and said I wasnt stopping him seeing the kids so I really dont know what to do. I would be perfectly happy on my own I don't care although it would be obviously hard with the kids. I don't know how to go about seperating. I'm on the mortgage but don't give a toss about the house so would move out but I don't have a job nor money, although would like one! Shall I wait till I find a job and save some money? I don't know if I can take much more, what if I don't find a job for ages. I'll probably back out like the weak idiot that I am if I keep waiting.

If anyone has read all this, I would appreciate any help you could give.

Thanks.

[Robotgirl]

So sorry you're having to live with this horrible man, Monkeychops.
It sounds like you'll be SO much happier without him. It also sounds like you do pretty much everything for your dc anyway-it's just a case of finding the right time to move forward.
Do you have any friends/family in RL who you can confide in/who can help?
You husband sounds like a selfish idiot. Good luck, love.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Don't keep this miserable situation to yourself. Confide in your mother. She might even be able to help you in a practical way to extricate you and the children from his pernicious influence.

Not being a wage-earner does not preclude you from being able to find a rental property but admittedly it is much more difficult. Less difficult if you have someone )like your mother) who is wiling to act as your guarantor. HOWEVER, if he's half the arsehole you have described, he'll likely make it as hard for you to sell the house and move on as he possibly can.

"The outbursts are getting more often and nastier"
Hold onto your hat! The very moment you are thinking of dumping his sorry abusive arse is when he'll step up his abuse of you if he's true to type.

You're not a weak idiot! This prick has purposely undermined your confidence until there's little of it left. But there is still some there, and that's why you are able to imagine leaving.

[CharlotteCollins]

Sounds awful. I remember a few months into my marriage: everyone assumed we were blissfully happy, which just made it worse that I wanted out!

How to leave:

Gather as much support as you can. Will your parents support you? MN and WA gave me a lot of emotional and practical support. Any friend you can trust? Don't worry if not. See a solicitor.

Find out how much you would be entitled to in benefits. There are calculators online to help with this.

Think if there is anyone who could be your guarantor (promises to pay the rent if you can't). Your parents?

Work out a budget. Find a place to rent which you can afford.

Don't tell H any of your plans. He will know soon enough. Lean on your support network and act the subservient wife to him. Seriously.

He will bellyache about his rights to see the DCs, but it's really about their right to see him. They will be fine for a few days without seeing him, so don't let him nag you into daily contact or anything. If they're very small, then a few hours is plenty. It could be supervised if you feel that is necessary.

[CharlotteCollins]

Actually, better check with a solicitor before planning to move out.

[throwingpebbles]

This resonates so much with me. I ended up in a terrible state when ex H treated me like that. Luckily I had a lot of counselling and found the strength to leave. Such a hard decision but then afterwards nursery told me the children were "blossoming" and I realised they had been suffering too from seeing me so low

A year down the line and I have had a lot of ups and downs but recently met a lovely man through Internet dating and he makes me so happy and realise what normal relationships should be like

[sliceofsoup]

You need to try to keep things as normal as possible while you plan leaving. He could well smell a rat and escalate the abuse.

Is there any chance he might see your internet history? If so, take precautions. Delete your history, and stay logged out of MN when you aren't online.

You are so so strong to even be able to see a future without him, and actually that's half the battle in most cases. You can do this.

[daiseehope]

Hello monkeychops, I am in a similar situation and have just started to get my head sorted. I'm finding it useful to write down a word or two in my diary of what he says when he's nasty. Or I block it! I am trying to watch him, rather than react and step back. It's tricky though and he's ramping up the fw behaviour. Let us know how you are xx.

[Robotgirl]

What sliceofsoup said....

You are so so strong to even be able to see a future without him, and actually that's half the battle in most cases. You can do this.

Yes.

[AcrossthePond55]

I agree with others who have said to keep your plans to yourself. My advice is to first gather all financial documents you can lay hands on, copy them, and then see a solicitor. Ask about the house, maintenance, child maintenance. Once you have knowledge (which is the key), make your plans.

[expectantmum79]

It's hard but it can be done, I agree keep everything quiet. See a solicitor about moving before you leave the marital home though. Keep any evidence of nastiness (my ex used to send cruel texts) and keep your chin up. I only realised recently how many women are going through/have been through similar, it feels like such a lonely experience at the time. It helps to have someone to confide in for when he's telling you that you're the unreasonable one. Don't forget that abusers like their secrets kept so find someone you can trust. Good luck sweetheart.