How to treat children of new partner?

[24ten]

I've just started a relationship with a lovely woman, a single mum to two kids (boy 7, girl 8). I've met her children a couple of times now but I'd love any advice on how to behave towards them because they're both dreadfully spoilt and badly behaved, especially the boy.

I was over for dinner with them yesterday evening and they completely ignored everything she asked them to do. They'd get up in the middle of the meal and run about, play with iPads at the table, make rude noises, and so on, and she would plead with them to behave but completely ineffectually.

I tried to reassure her that it was ok and it didn't bother me, they're just playing up to get attention because someone new is around and they will settle down, but she was mortified. She says she knows she spoils them and is ashamed they behave like that but she's been alone with them so long that she's let them fall into bad habits. (Their father lives away and usually only sees them for a few hours once or twice a month.)

So, I don't know what I should do. If she asks them to sit down and they play up and ignore her should I ignore them, be strict and shout at them, make a joke and play with them try to get on their side, or what?

I don't think it's my place to interfere, especially as it's so early in our relationship, and I certainly don't want to do or say anything that appears like I'm criticising her (and I don't think I need to, as she knows she's spoilt them), but I would like to help and support her if I can. Any advice, or should I just wait and hope things settle down by themselves?

[ThisIsFolkGirl]

Honestly? Don't get involved with discipline. That wouldn't go down well with her or the children, even if you think you are only supporting her. She will (should!) prioritise them over you and you'd find yourself dumped. Whole playing with them or making a joke would both undermineher efforts to discipline and make you Iinto a bit of a stooge for them. Children ade very good at playing the adults off against each other. Plus it doesn't sound to me like they were playing up because a new person was there (although that won't have helped). She said herself that's how they behave.

However, I ccouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had such poor parenting skills. Poor behaviour coupled with introducing a new bf very early on would be a warning sign to me.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that. I just couldn't respect them and quite frankly, wouldn't want to spend time with her family. Imagine putting up with that all the time, and it would be embarrassing to be out with them.

[OhDearMuriel]

She's reaped what she's sewn hasn't she?

As frustrating as it is, teaching them good table manners and a bit of discipline is her territory, not yours, and certainly at such an early stage in your relationship. If you are together in the long-term, and try to intervene then, you could still possibly be seen as the bad guy.

FWIW, my DS' friend came to stay recently, and meal times were painful with this little boy (7 year old). Not quite as bad as you describe, but nevertheless I am glad it was only for a couple of days. Surely parents should know that if they act like that at home, they are going to be a pain in the arse when they are elsewhere - Sorry for rant, and good luck!

[OhDearMuriel]

I would also add, that if you are going to be with this lady in the long-term, you will have to get the children onside and be very patient and clever in your dealings with them.

[SurlyCue]

I don't think it's my place to interfere

Good. Keep thinking this. It is correct.

How new is the relationship?

[SurlyCue]

Fwiw i couldnt be with someone like that either. You need to decide whether to accept that this is how she parents (and would parent any children you and she had together) and you live with it or you decide it isnt for you and end the relationship.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

And do bear in mind - chances are as she's carrying on like this, they will get worse.

[ThisIsFolkGirl]

Fwiw, I would end a relationship over this too.

[wonderingsoul]

It's hard isn't it. But I agree with scobber.

Praise the good, get talking to them about things, show your interested in them.

Have you talked to the mum about their behaviour. . As in has she mentioned it? I think the important thing is that if she is trying to tackle it or if she's fine with their behaviour? It all depends on how strong your feelings are for her? Are you willing to take her and her children on. I think you need to have a long hard think about that.

Good luck, it is hard to come into a relationship where there's children.

[Shockers]

If you see either of them doing something nicely, make an understated comment, using specific praise... eg. you're a great help when you....
If you're over the top, they'll spot it a mile off .
When they're acting up, ignore, but carry on being kind to mum. See if you can talk to her about responding to your kindness rather than reacting to their bad behaviour.

Oh, and don't take them out to eat... it'll just stress you all out!

[Ripeningapples]

Their mother's standards and yours are different. There is a huge difference between relaxed parenting and ill mannered children. You seem to have found someone with ill mannered children. All children play up on occasion; not all children play up all the time.

I think this lady and you have different standards and expectations and it would be difficult even if the children were your own and you had been around since birth.

As a former step child by the way, it's absolutely none of your business and if you try to change the children they will treat you with utter contempt.

I'd skedaddle.

[goddessofsmallthings]

As this woman has introduced you to her undisciplined dc within a very short time of knowing you, it would seem she's got few boundaries and I hope to god you didn't spend the night at her place while her dc were present or have any plans to do so in the near future.

These are not your children and, even if they were, I would hope that you would never 'be strict and shout at them'.

Did you not engage with the dc at all? Surely you could have come up with something that would have kept them sitting at the dinner table for the majority of the meal, even if it were a guessing game or similar?

If you visit again take a pack of cards and teach them some games to be played at the table 'like grown ups do' as this will at least begin to get them used to sitting at it for longer than 5 minutes. It could be worth learning a couple of card/coin tricks to impress them get/keep their attention.

You won't win the trust of any dc if you come across as being in any way judgemental. See them as the unique little people they are and engage them in conversations about them - what they like, dislke, favourite activities, food, etc. Get them talking about books they've read, films they've seen, who their friends are. In other words, talk to them as you would talk to your friends, but in an age-appropriate way - no swearing, no blue jokes, no sexual innuendo.

Ignore bad behaviour as it's not your place to comment on it in their presence, and reward good behaviour by praising them for how helpful, thoughtful, considerate, kind, etc, they've been - albeit from what you've said, you're not likely to have to scrat around for words of praise for this pair of brats very often.

That said, I strongly suggest you tell her that you'll be happy to see her without the dc, but you won't be visiting her home again until she's brought about an improvement in their behaviour because what she's doing at the moment is making a rod for own her back and, more to the point, she's doing her dc no favours by allowing them to run rings round her and show off in front of strangers.

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

How long exactly have you been seeing the mother?

"Just started a relationship" suggests that the relationship is so new that IMO you shouldn't even have met them yet.

The mother sounds very drippy and I couldn't be with someone like that. People do their kids no favours by refusing to teach them acceptable behaviour.

If a child was intent on running into a busy road would a parent stand there wringing their hands and not doing anything, for fear of upsetting the child? Course not. Same principle. It's sheer laziness not to teach right from wrong. Can't be doing with it.

[Hissy]

Runwalk away. You won't change this situation and won't be able to live with it.

If you are in a new relationship her decision to introduce you so quickly has done you a favour as you can get out before you get in too deep with her.

Equal or at least complementary parenting styles is vital in a relationship

[24ten]

Well, a lot of you are suggesting ending the relationship, which seems a bit harsh. I have to say I have no plans to do that! Her children's behaviour is disappointing certainly but it doesn't bother me unduly beyond that, after all they're not my children so at the end of the day it's not my problem!

In my friend's defence, she's not trying to minimise their behaviour or make excuses for them, or deny that she should be stricter with them. She's embarassed by their behaviour and she was the one who brought it up.

She has had a very difficult time with them though. The children's father walked out five years ago, two weeks before they were supposed to get married - and saying he was expecting a child with another woman! She was left to bring up two toddlers on her own in another country with no family or friends around to help her (as she's originally from Spain and moved to England to be with the father), so it's not surprising if the kids and her have become a bit codependent.

I've known her for a couple of months now, and we've been intimate for a couple of weeks, and get on very well together. She knows it's incredibly soon to be meeting her kids but they're with her all the time and it's difficult to get a babysitter, so after they've gone to bed is just about the only time we can see each other. And the long summer holidays don't help either, she says their behaviour is a lot better in term time when they're in the routine of going to school every day and not so full of nervous energy and getting on each other's nerves at home, and I believe her.

Useful advice, thanks, to show an interest in the children and praise any signs of good behaviour but not take it on myself to criticise them if they're badly behaved. I think that's basically what I have been doing, but it's good to hear that from someone else, and do let me know if you think there's anything else I should try!

[SurlyCue]

I've known her for a couple of months now, and we've been intimate for a couple of weeks,

In that case there is no way you should be sitting having dinner with them!

after they've gone to bed is just about the only time we can see each other.

so why didnt you do that? Why not wait til they had gone to bed? You arent being careful enough with these children's feelings. Meeting them after a couple of week of sleeping with their mum is really careless with their feelings. Of course you think youre going to stick around because its all new and lovely and the sex is probably making you feel the "love" feelings but youre already complaining about her parenting, contemplating muscling in after a few weeks!. Seriously catch a grip of yourself and at least do right by those children even if their mother wont. Step back and see her once they are in bed.

it's difficult to get a babysitter

why?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Why is it difficult to get a babysitter? Lots of teenagers advertise their services on boards in local supermarkets and an ad on gumtree should attract a response from suitable candidates.

If it's a question of money presumably you can foot the bill now and again, or at the very least go halves, so that you can have 'quality time' in an adults only venue away from the dc, otherwise this woman will be reduced to being something of a booty call after you've had an enjoyable evening elsewhere which may suit you but it sure as hell won't do her self-esteem any good.

You need to appreciate that the boy will see himself as being the man of the house and he will most certainly lock horns with you if he perceives you as being a threat to his position, but as he is still in the age of magical thinking an adult who is sensitive to his needs should be able to capture his imagination and, insodoing, win a friend for life.

Fwiw, I've never seen any Spanish children behaving in the manner you've described at mealtimes and I would far rather take a group of Spanish dc that I'd never met before out to a restaurant than chance it with a group of British dc of similar age.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

It's probably hard to get a babysitter because of the behaviour of the children. Honestly? Can you respect a person that has such poor parenting skills? I couldn't. There's no excuse for this. I guarantee if you stay with her you will end up regretting it.

[Hissy]

It's not harsh love, it's the only thing to suggest. If you can see she's a crap parent a few weeks in and say that they're not your kids so why worry, then there's no future.

Anyone can get a sitter, and getting a sitter is part of the protection and responsibility single parents HAVE to do for their kids.

End it, for your sake, you'll end up resenting her and loathing her kids

[Rebecca2014]

Wow people being so harsh on this mother. She is a single mother who father only sees his children for a few hours a MONTH. She most likely finds it hard to get a babysitter.

She has been seeing this man for 2 months and has only been intimate with him in the past 2 weeks. She is struggling with disciplining her children, she needs help not scorn and judgment.

As a single mother myself, I find these comments disgusting. OP please ignore, you know this woman and she needs help and support not judgment.

[SurlyCue]

Well as a single mother myself i'd run a mile from any man who a) thought it ok to meet my children after two weeks of being together b) criticized my parenting and c) contemplated shouting at and being strict with my children!

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

So see her after they've gone to bed!
You've met them RIDICULOUSLY early!
And you're asking if you should be disciplining them!
What are you THINKING?
What is SHE thinking?!

[ThisIsFolkGirl]

I'm also a single parent.

[Rebecca2014]

They been dating for two months, why don't you read the thread properly?