Complicated (or possibly not!) situation with emotionally abusive, whining, generally pathetic H ...and I can't seem to see the forest for the trees right now. I've posted about him loads, he ticks so many 'abuser' boxes, looking back over how our relationship evolved there were red flags waving everywhere but I never thought it was his fault, only mine for not trying hard enough.
In a nutshell: I worked basically full time while the DCs were young, stopped at his suggestion when oldest started A levels (as he said it would be All My Fault if the DCs didn't do well, only one chance etc) which was fine as he was earning plenty of money. DCs have done great. But our relationship gradually deteriorated with me 'not working' (I had to be on call all the time to do things for him) and even though he would constantly berate me for NOT working, saying he didn't see what I did all day, insults like 'never done a days work' he was furious when I got a job without asking him 2 years ago when youngest started uni. He'd done his best to convince me I was unemployable, too old, wrong qualifications, etc, I got a job with no effort whatsoever. A lowly job, but interesting and in my field, all the same, and a great experience.
Sorry this isn't really a nutshell! We had a major incident just after I started working (will try to find the link to remind myself as I had a thread going at the time but in the end I brushed it under the carpet). H continued to belittle and make fun of my job, always said the name of where I was working with a sneer, assumed I could run errands for him while at work, called and texted constantly, often over 50 times times in a day. Work people were wonderful and tolerated my bad timekeeping (and often tears) but I always knew I would eventually have to move on to a new position one day as the work was short term contract. Basically, I kept everything together, afraid to topple what was/is a house of cards.
A month ago I realised my contract was coming to an end so put my cv in with an agency. I immediately got an interview and a job offer for a fantastic job. I accepted. I told H. Not a lot but I did tell him as a statement of fact that I'd done it. He NEVER asked any details and I never offered any. He acknowledged by text I'd got a job ('lets celebrate' when he wanted my to go to a function in town with him) so he can't say he didn't know. As expected, when he found out I am starting Tuesday he's alternatively furious and begging me not to take it. If you're wondering why I have stayed with him- he earns more money than I ever could. He just put the equivalent of a years wages for me into our joint account. And my work has never been stable, probably because of him for a large part.
He says he just doesn't see why I want to work, why I don't want to 'be a wife' to him...it's really pathetic, isn't it? Tbh we can certainly use the extra money I bring in, we have no pensions set up so need to focus on saving for the next 10 years (I am 50) and it's not time to start spending down our assets.
So...this morning I've had him on the phone begging me not to take the job. How pathetic is that. There's an additional complication in that we may be selling our house, he'd assumed that we'd move into our weekend place which would mean a hellish commute for me to new job, I'd assumed if the sale went through I'd rent. By myself. Now is the time to get out...right? I keep hesitating and I could totally screw things up if I get this wrong. For a lot of people. House people, job people (will be distraught if I don't turn up!), plus I've left other job now. I feel strangely calm but am worried he's going to turn psychopath if I don't pretend to be going along with him.
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Relationships
New job, same old H issues. Remind me to LTB!
thatsnotmynamereally · 29/08/2015 08:55
Absolutely get out now, it sounds an ideal time, I don't know how you've stuck it so long 
Thanks costa just what I need to hear 
I can think it but believing I can do it is another kettle of fish altogether!
Ouch, feeling your pain and validating your experience. Be brave
Thanks all yes I've posted before and have just been rereading my old posts, I've had excellent advice and I've bottled out of leaving before. I am sort of scared of him, he's threatened violence but isn't really violent, he threatens suicide so often I just don't pay attention any more ( apologies for sounding so crass) he's spent a night in a police cell due to me calling them when he threatened me before (subject of another thread) but nothing's getting through to him and I can't bear to break everything apart so I've just kept going, keeping things together, but I've always said that if he insisted on selling our (now too big) family home which he hates (too suburban) but I like, that it would be the end of our relationship. So he was warned! I need to feel I have the moral high ground even though I know I don't need an excuse...plus we have a lot of shared history together and could have made a good team, or rather we did until he decided that by 'team' he meant a master and servant relationship!
It's so so subtle. Right now he's saying he'll go to counselling, do whatever it takes, as long as I go along with his plans. If he doesn't, he will scupper the sale. At this point, I'm sort of lying saying I will go along with it, with full intention to rent my own place and make good efforts with new job, rather than doing that commute. If we don't sell house it works in my favour as house is an easy commute to new job. I intend to rent nearby. But I don't like lying and I'm not good at it!
Face it, every time you've capitulated and submitted to him before he's not stopped being emotionally abusive.
The house sale will be a fantastic time to exit.
If you don't, you've consented to serve a lifetime sentence 
You are on the cusp of a happy life, please make the break, I honestly feel you won't look back
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If you need reminding to LTB you've come to the right place
To recap: having persuaded you to stop work because it would be 'All Your Fault' if the dcs didn't do well at A levels at he proceeded to belittle and demean you for not working.
When you responded by getting yourself another job without telling him after the dcs had done well, he endeavoured to sabotage it by constantly calling and texting you 'often over 50 times in a day' while you were at work and sneered at and made fun of both your job and your employers when you were at home.
This man is a self-entitled arse and a half and you're right to be concerned he might turn a bit psycho if you don't pretend to be going along with him, which is why it seems to me you're best advised to set part of your stall out today/over the weekend by making it clear to him that you've got no intention of giving up your 'fantastic new job', while giving every impression of doing the 'hellish' commute if/when your house is sold and there's no option but to move into your weekend place.
I would also suggest you look for a room to rent near your place of work, preferably within walking distance or a short bus/train ride of the offices, that you can move into when the house is sold - or before, if necessary.
Although your previous employers were understanding of your poor timekeeping, tears, and his constant calls/texts, look to present a more professional facade in your new job by telling your h that personal calls are not allowed and all personal mobiles are switched off during working hours. If there's a switchboard, give the operator your h's name with instructions not to put any calls from him through to you.
Source a SHL who specialises in divorce and family law and have a consultation with a view to working out what you can expect in terms of the division of joint assets when (that's a when with no 'if') you divorce him and be ready to move half of the contents of the joint account into your bank account at a moment's notice on the basis that she who strikes first, often strikes hardest.
If he kicks off bigtime simply call 999 and have the police remove him again.
50 is the new 30 - you've got years of living to look forward to; make sure they're happy ones.
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