So I met my OH online last October, we were both separated and he was going through a divorce, now absolute. We hit it off straight away and our relationship had progressed at a comfortable, steady pace - we see each other 1-3 times a week depending on each others' other commitments and it works for us, we give each other space and when we're together we have a great time. He's very thoughtful, loving and attentive towards me, he make me feel like a queen and our sex life is great.
Early on in the relationship we asked about other dates/relationships we have had since leaving our respective marriages. I was honest about a couple of dates I'd had and he was clear that he hadn't seen any other women before meeting me. I had no reason to disbelieve this; he had left an incredibly abusive marriage of 28 years.
Fast foward to this month and I was staying over his. He went to work the next morning (he's a self employed builder) and gave me his laptop to use.
He'd left his email open and I couldn't help myself and had a nosy about. I came across an email from a woman he had recently done some work for; he had told me his ExW had accused him of sleeping with this woman (she lived in the same village) but there was nothing between them. This email was from him to her saying 'I love you', there was another from her to him with a hotel room booking confirmation and his reply 'I still want to do this baby'. Now these emails were from a year ago so I shouldn't be worried about them right? But reading them sent alarm bells; why had he lied about no other women and why go on to almost convince me there wasn't anything between them when accused by his ExW.
So you might be thinking forget it, he's with you now and everything is great so why worry. It gets worse. The next week I stayed over and he went to make us coffee. He left his phone and I snooped through his texts; there was a whole string between them, kind of regular, admittedly a lot were to do with work being done on her house but there were some that implied he had been round for a social coffee and chat, and had also had phone conversations.
I did confront him in a clever way about this woman, using the conversation he had had with me about being accused of sleeping with her; he admitted that from June-September last year they had a flirtation and had sex once but it fizzled out, nothing since, now purely a professional relationship. He said he should of told me.
But two really stood out for me and I've just discovered they were sent in June this year, around the time he was laying a patio at hers. The first one said 'Would I be out of order to say I still fancy the pants off you?'. Her response, no of course not. His reply to that were words to the effect of 'I need to put any possibility of a relationship with you out of my head'. She responded with a comment about his exW and the issues he has with her and she wouldn't want to be in a secret relationship. He then said let's just keep it to coffee and chat then. To be fair to her she didn't seem too keen to progress the conversation. The last text exchange was a couple of weeks ago, he text saying are you in for a coffee? She hadn't responded. Apart from that, it's been about work on her house. I've just spent a wonderful 5 days with this man, he still is as loving and
Before anyone shoots me down for snooping; I know it was absolutely the wrong thing to do, they say what you don't know can't hurt you and boy is that right. So no lectures please! I had no reason to doubt or mistrust at all before discovering the emails which were last year but to then discover recent texts declaring how he felt about still fancying her and seeking confirmation about a potential relationship has really knocked me for 6! He also wasn't comfortable when I asked about her. However, since my discovery, he has started to call me his partner, he had already introduced me to his DC and I've spent time with them, I've also been introduced to some of his closest friends. It just doesn't make sense to me, he is doing everything right and we have a fantastic relationship, so why has he done this? This week I've looked on his phone again and all their text message thread is deleted and her number is also deleted (unless he's saved it under a pseudonym!). I'm hoping it's because he seriously wants to forget about her and focus on us, which I thought he had been anyway. I obviously will not ever let him know what I have discovered.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What would you do, what do you think?
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Relationships
I did an unacceptable thing and now I'm suffering....
17 replies
Cygnet44 · 28/08/2015 22:28
OP posts:
Theydontknowweknowtheyknow ·
29/08/2015 08:17
Tbh I think it's natural to have feelings about several people early on in a relationship but there comes a point when you've got to make a decision, pick a lane (who's Elaine 
for anyone who gets that) and knuckle under with the whole monogamy thing.
So I'd say don't raise any suspicion about your sneaky cyber spying, leave a couple of months, take a shifty look at his email then if it's all died a death put your worries aside.
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