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Relationships

left at 4 months pregnant on facebook and now he won't leave me alone

94 replies

soph222 · 28/08/2015 17:51

Long story but here goes....

I'd known my bf 5 years 2 of which we were together for, he was my best friend. I have a son from a previous partner which my bf said he loved as his own, he loved me and he's a part of me. 8 months ago I found out I was pregnant ( it wasn't planned) I'm 26 he's a couple of years younger. He initially wanted an abortion, we spent the first 3 months him telling me that's what he wanted and that's what'd be best for us both and he'd be there for me through it every step of the way. I however do not believe in abortions and spent 3months explaining I didn't want to go through that, I'd decided I was keeping the baby and told him it's fine if he doesn't want to be involved.

He said no he'd be there he didn't want to look like one of those guys who ran off and left a girl pregnant.....I spent the following month trying the communicate about the baby with him but just got ignored and the subject changed to something he was interested in, I could understand he was scared and didn't want to push things.

He then informed me a while layer his mother was buying colts for her holiday home and her house and he'd decided they'd have the baby a few days and I'd have the baby the rest (after talking about moving his stuff in mine and telling me to make room for me making me believe he planned on staying there) my reaction was my baby isn't spending half the week away from me. If he wanted to spend every night with the baby he could move in and take responsibility and pay his way. If he didn't feel ready for this then he could stay at his mums as many days as he wanted but if he chose that them nights the baby would be staying at my house.

He then informed me that my son is not his and he won't be making him or me a priority. If both the children were being cared for whilst we were at work, he'd only be collecting his child and taking it to his home whilst leaving my other child in childcare. My reaction was he came into my son's life he new I had him when we got together and the children were to be treated the same end of. He wasn't happy with these 2 reactions from me and went on to dump me over Facebook.

He said he wasn't ready for commitment or responsibility and didn't want his money going on me or my child that he was going to live his life how he wants and be there for the child. He didn't ever want to come to my previous scan but since his mum now new wanted to come to the 20 week one so he could no the sex. I said I wanted someone with me at the scan that was going to support ME throughout my pregnancy and be there for ME when I'm at my most vulnerable, he'd.chose to go live his life and just turn up for a scan which honestly would have been stressful and difficult for me to cope with as I still loved him and didn't really get why he'd be happy to run off and leave me when I needed him most.

He went on to live his life going out etc whilst I was preparing for baby I put a pic of my scan on fb and he kicked of saying I was playing games and it was stressing his sister out, so I deleted them. Which was better for my own sanity too as I didn't have to see him adding aload of girls he'd met on dating sites.

I've had extra scans for growth as I was considered as high risk and wanted a 3d one too which I paid for. My mind set was leave him to wjat he wants to do and I'll enjoy my pregnancy buying outfits and preparing for baba.

I then received many texts from him and his mother (I was angry at the time) and I didn't want to meet up to discuss the arrangements of them seeing the baby it was vital my blood pressure remained low for the health of me and.baby and I didn't want to risk it meeting up with them and getting upset and stressed out more than I already was.

I later received a letter saying he felt he should be at future scans the birth he wanted it to have his last name and to decide the first name, after 3 months he wanted the baby at his half the week and if I didn't reply legal action would be taken. My reply was regarding the circumstances I didn't see it appropriate that he attended scans and the birth I stand by his rights as a father and would be in touch after the birth for when he could come and bond with baby.

I then received another letter from a solicitor saying that I urgently need to contact him regarding him seeing the baby which is still not born I need to phone him when I go into labour I need to take scan pictures of my Facebook (I'm not even friends with him on there anymore) but it's distressing for him they no I've been away as they saw on fb but they need me to get in contact ASAP so he knows when he can see the baby they recommend a minimum of an hour a day and he wants paternity leave.....

I just feel.like I can't be left alone all I want is to enjoy my pregnancy but all I'm getting is letters demanding what he wants I can understand he feels left out and uneasy not knowing what's going on but I've always said I want him to be in the baby's life and that whilst baby isn't here I want to be left alone and not be stressed out for the health of our baby. Which might be hard for him to understand but he made the choice to leave and live his life how he wanted whilst I carried on with the reality of pregnancy. Am I wrong to want to have this time to myself stress free with people who are supporting me without him ruining any bit of happiness I get?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 28/08/2015 17:59

I then received another letter from a solicitor saying that I urgently need to contact him regarding him seeing the baby which is still not born I need to phone him when I go into labour I need to take scan pictures of my Facebook (I'm not even friends with him on there anymore) but it's distressing for him they no I've been away as they saw on fb but they need me to get in contact ASAP so he knows when he can see the baby they recommend a minimum of an hour a day and he wants paternity leave.....

Are you sure this was from an actual solicitor? And not just something he printed out at home?

At this point I'd block his and his mum's numbers from your phone, and block him and any other family members from your FB. When baby is born, don't put him on the birth certificate, the last thing this baby wants is a father who's just stepped off the Jeremy Kyle show. He'll have to take you to court if he wants contact, at which point I will bet you he won't bother.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking "my baby needs a father" - a baby needs a good male role model, he isn't one, he's shit.

BitchPeas · 28/08/2015 18:06

Ignore them all. Block them all. Don't get drawn in to it. He's talking shit. After the baby is born get your solicter to write to him about contact.
Concentrate on your baby.

summerwinterton · 28/08/2015 18:08

block him on facebook and make it as private as possible so nobody ca see anything unless they are your friend

And he can sod off making demands - he is wrong. And do not give the baby his surname, and I wouldn't want him on the cert either. And I would also claim maintenance too.

lunar1 · 28/08/2015 18:08

It doesn't sound like something a solicitor would say! You are right to keep him away, and he'd struggle to get overnight contact with a bf baby for a long time yet.

Scarydinosaurs · 28/08/2015 18:08

I would start to log all phone calls and letters on your phone as a list so you can track this harrasment.

I would reply to the letter and keep a copy for yourself and get it sent recorded delivery so he has to sign for it. Say: you will continue to use your Facebook as you see fit, you will continue to not mention him or make any defamatory comments about him; he will not be at the birth, but you are happy to inform him once the baby arrives; do not contact you unless by email on [email protected] (and create an email just for him) and you wish him all the best. Add on there that you've sought legal advice and see a solicitor for 30 minutes about what is reasonable to arrange for access.

You have my sympathy, it sounds like a terribly hard situation.

soph222 · 28/08/2015 18:11

yer its from a solicitor, i assume they just wrote what he wanted and they got paid for writing it, i will block them cant be doing with the hassle. the letter said they suggest i seek legal advice and show them the letter off his solicitor so they can talk through them. i just don't see the need, hes probably making me out to be a monster to be fair but ive told him he will be part of the babies life so i don't see why hes going about it all in the wrong way. An apology would have gone down a hell of alot better but he hides behind his phone and social media. He knows mine and the babys health is at risk carrying on as he is but its like he doesnt care aslong as him and his mum know when they are getting the baby, who isnt even here yet. i just dont understand, probably immaturity.

OP posts:
MishMooshAndMogwai · 28/08/2015 18:14

Seconding PP, absolutely do not put him on the birth certificate, you're just asking for trouble by doing that

BadgerFace · 28/08/2015 18:19

I second all of pocket's advice. I'd firstly be googling the supposed law firm but be safe in the knowledge that you don't have to tell anyone you're in labour. It's none of his business when you are giving birth, you can tell him after the baby is here in your own time. I'm not a lawyer but I'm pretty sure he has no rights over what you put on Facebook regarding your own baby, especially as he can't (or shouldn't be able to) see it!

Let him take you to court. No judge will part a mum from her newborn and if you are breastfeeding then I would assume that visits without you will not be possible until feeds get longer apart at 6 months+.

He is living in cloud cuckoo land regarding the name! Your baby, your choice.
Definitely leave him off the birth certificate.

Paternity leave is designed for fathers who will be supporting the mother during the two weeks entitlement. You neither want nor need his support so he has no entitlement. Ignore ignore ignore and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

And of course you could always rely saying you have had legal advice that it is harassment if they continue to contact you when you have asked them not to. You will be in touch once the baby is here.

MatildaTheCat · 28/08/2015 18:21

I think you need to take control of this. he does not get to dictate terms to you. Certainly don't allow him anywhere near you on labour. After that it is your choice when you tell him and when he meets the baby.

It does sound as if he plans to be around although if he meets someone else this could change. Perhaps write telling him that you will inform him when the baby is born and will be in touch about visits. Three months is far too young for overnight stays and I believe any court would agree. They would impose some contact upon you, though. Better to try to agree this without costly courts. Is he giving money for the baby's things and planning to give you maintenance?

I'm not sure why you would not put his name on the birth certificate, the child is his after all. Just make it clear that you will only deal with polite and civil behaviour and any less would be detrimental to your baby.

soph222 · 28/08/2015 18:22

yer alot of people have said that, its horrible really because it didnt have to be like this and i didnt want it to come to all this. Its a shame really as it feels so unnecessary. I didn't want it to come to not putting him on it as he is the babys father.....i suppose if i didnt put him on it straight away he could get himself on it eventually anyway. But the way hes gone about things seems like i would be getting myself in a worse situation for doing the right thing.

OP posts:
soph222 · 28/08/2015 18:30

nope no mention of money towards the cot, crib, trolley system, bedding, mattresses, carseat, nappies, clothes, baby bouncer, cosy toes etc etc. I dont really expect him to offer tbh he is very tight with his money unless it goes on himself. The only thing i fear with the birth certificate is he feels he has the right to take the baby to his family holiday home down south because hes the father and therefore has half the rights and has said that its acceptable for him as the father to take the baby there.

OP posts:
Gymbunny1204 · 28/08/2015 18:32

No way would a solicitor write that.

Both of you need to put the baby first.

I would seek legal advice about what it would mean if he went on the certificate. Give the baby your name but having a blank space where the father should be is hard to take ime. I expect to be flamed for that and I'd say don't waste your time.

He seems to think he can boss you about. He can't but I feel you need to get some support as you will be bullied by him, his mother, his sister....stressed by a scan photo my arse Hmm.

summerwinterton · 28/08/2015 18:33

he has no rights. The baby has a right to a relationship with the father, if of course it is appropriate and safe. And he is clearly talking out of his backside so you can ignore totally.

Gymbunny1204 · 28/08/2015 18:33

The baby should be the one with the rights..

soph222 · 28/08/2015 18:36

well thats what i thought when i read it, but then i thought if hes willing to pay them 200 pounds to write a letter on behalf of him then they would probably take the money and write the letter??? however he is very good with forging things on the computer so maybe it is him trying to scare me by faking it :/

OP posts:
ChunkyPickle · 28/08/2015 18:38

You can't put him on the birth certificate unless he is there in person. So if you don't want him on it, just go and register the baby without him.

On the rest, it's your body, you don't need to tell him anything until the baby is here, and I would approach citizen's advice, or women's aid or someone who can help you find a solicitor who can help you with this.

VeganCow · 28/08/2015 18:41

Are you planning on breastfeeding? I would. No court in the land will separate a breastfed baby from mum. That gives you at least 6 months where if he wants access it has to be with you there.

soph222 · 28/08/2015 18:43

i believe the baby has the right to a relationship with its mother and father and id never stand in the way of that. My other child doesnt see his father as he doesnt want anything to do with him and its heartbreaking. Maybe its hormones but i just feel like rights and solicitors are being rammed down my throat all before the baby is even here. i can understand he feels out of control but he put himself on the outside of the pregnancy and i shouldnt feel like i have to watch everything im doing in-case it upsets him like put a picture of my baby on facebook, then be told to take it down just seems really petty when he obviously getting someone to look me up and record my every move through facebook.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 28/08/2015 18:47

He can say whatever he likes, doesn't make it true! I was married and my ex on dd's birth certificate but him behaving like an arse (and your ex is being worse putting you under stress while pregnant!) Makes most judges extremely unsympathetic towards them. Keep every communication he sends you, make damn sure its all in writing! I agree with him not being on birth certificate.

I can see him insisting on a solicitor sending such a letter but I can also see the solicitor telling him it won't stand up in court. My ex tried a lot of nonsense I can still remember my ex having a row outside the court with his solicitor. His solicitor telling him "just for once shut up in there and let me do my job. You're not helping yourself!" He had a habit of arguing with the judge and even his solicitor in the court! Idiot!

He can't tell you to do anything. I think you should also get in touch with cms asap. I don't see this guy being financially responsible.

soph222 · 28/08/2015 18:49

yer i plan to breastfeed, if i can. That'll probably be used against me too and he'll ruin that for me. I just want to enjoy it all without all this unnecessary selfishness dont really get why he wouldnt want that too.

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soph222 · 28/08/2015 18:57

I dont think he realises the cost of a baby tbh. Your ex does sound like an idiot :/ I just think he should be showing me respect as the mother of his child and doing whats best for mine and the babys health. Rather than worsening situations before anything has even happened.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/08/2015 19:01

You have no obligation at all to do anything before the child is born. You do not need to contact anybody you do not want to.

Have a chat to the children's legal centre it's a free legal helpline (Google will find it) they will put your mind at rest and advise you of the options

soph222 · 28/08/2015 19:03

Thankyou, yer i will do.

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Viviennemary · 28/08/2015 19:04

Absolutely don't put him on the birth certificate. He sounds very immature and doesn't know what he wants. He's one of those that changes his mind every day. And his family don't sound any better. Block the lot of them. No communications except by solictors. Why bring a baby into this lot. I wouldn't. If it carries on go to the police and get an anti harrassment order.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/08/2015 19:04

It's odd how your other child has no father yet this child has a father who wants to give it the life it deserves yet you seem to be standing in the way of that. The man is asking for a commitment of when he can see the baby once it arrives, I think that's damn good!

The man told you he didn't want the commitment of a full time family so you knew being a single mother was on the cards.

He deserves the baby just as much as you. There was a case recently where the mother was slammed by the judge for using breast feeding as an excuse why baby couldn't see its father, setting a national precedent.

This baby is just a weapon at the moment. I think you are bitter that he wants the baby and not you. Which is an understandable emotion but not good to act out.

I really think you should put his name on the certificate. Why shouldn't you? Just because he hurt you?

He's not a risk to children, otherwise you wouldn't have him near your other child.

Accept the situation, let him be a father and your life, mind and emotions will be so much better.

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