Help with wording an e mail please?

[Lucyccfc]

Not sure where to start, as this could be long, but to help, I need to explain the back story.

I was abused by my brother when I was 9. Never told anyone, just got on with life. Anyway, brother got married, when we were both older and I really tried to make an effort with his wife. She was a bit off at times, but I think that maybe she was shy (don't really know). Anyway, they had 2 children together and she was even more stand-offish with the whole family. We were never really allowed to play any part in the childrens lives, never allowed to babysit or take them out.

They then moved to another country, so we didn't see much of them anyway. When the children were 5 and 3 brother and wife split up. She did her utmost to stop my brother from seeing the children and they never stayed with him over night nor was he allowed to bring them back to the UK for a holiday.

Anyway, a couple of years ago I got a call from my brother (the whole family did) to admit that he and his wife split up because he had abused his daughter when she was young. No bloody wonder his ex-wife did everything she could to stop him seeing the children. I told him that he also needed to tell the family what he did to me and I was glad it all came out, as it meant I never had to see him or speak to him again. Was quite a relief tbh.

I wrote to his ex-wife and told her how sorry I was about what happened to her daughter and that I had disowned my brother and if she ever needed anything, just call or write. She sent a very polite letter back saying thanks, but no thanks.

My DS never knew I had a brother, but thanks to some shitty behaviour by my parents about 2 years ago, I had to tell him. He is now 10 and pretty much knows the whole story about my brother behaviour, but he has been asking lots of questions recently about his 2 Cousins. I have answered him the best I can, but don't know much about them.

He has said that he would like to meet them and my DF has been able to get an e-mail address for their Mum. I have been advised that it would be better if the e-mail comes from my DS and not myself.

This is where I need some help for my DS. Where does he even start putting an e mail together - what does he say?

I am struggling to advise him and he really wants to send a mail, but neither of us know what to say.

Although I know his Cousins are on Facebook (their Mother made them block all our family 3 years ago) my DS doesn't have FB and I am not sure how she would respond if he contacted his Cousins directly.

I feel like I have been blamed for my brothers behaviour, but I don't think any of this should impact on my DS wanting to meet his Cousins.

Anyway, any advice gratefully received.

Sorry the post is so long.

[MuttsNutts]

Ultimately she has the absolute right to cut herself and her DC off from her brother's family if she feels that is how she wants to deal with what has happened and protect her children from any more hurt.

It's a shame that your DS may not get to have a relationship with his cousins (until they are older perhaps and decide to take that step themselves) but his disappointment is a very small thing compared to what your SIL and her children are having to deal with.

I definitely don't think getting a 10yo to write an email is the way to go. How can he possibly begin to address the issues surrounding the abuse that has led to this situation? Not an appropriate course of action to take at all.

[Lucyccfc]

I don't expect him to even mention the abuse or my brother. He just wants to ask if he can get to know or meet his cousins.

I understand her reasons for not wanting to see or have contact with his family.

I should have mentioned that the Cousins are 16 and 21 - they are a fair bit older than my DS.

[sooperdooper]

I don't think it's a good idea to encourage him to contact them, your SIL has made a very clear decision to cut contact and it's unfair to try and break that, it will open up all kinds of unpleasant memories for both your SIL and the children - leave it alone

[Lucyccfc]

I haven't encouraged him, quite the opposite. I prefer the no contact.

Regardless of what my brother did, she has never been welcoming or very nice, but this is what my DS wants.

How can I talk him round into waiting until he is older or not bothering at all?

[sooperdooper]

You don't need to talk him round, I would explain to him it's not a good idea to contact then, get rid of the email address and repeat no. Whether he wants to contact them is irrelevant, sorry but he's s child and your SILs wishes for her family come first after what they've been through

I doubt she'd pass on the message anyway, which she is completely within her rights to do, it won't be some happy ending, it'll just reopen old wounds

[goddessofsmallthings]

Who has advised you that the email would be better coming from your ds than yourself?

Your ds is far too young to be seeking out estranged relatives and, regardless of the history of your family, he shouldn't be encouraged to do so. Tell him that when he's whatever age you deem appropriate he can have his own FB account, under your supervision of course, and he can make a 'friend' request or whatever it is (I'm not signed up to any social media sites) to his cousins himself.

I'm not in favour of lying to dc but, given your particular circumstances, if he persists with wanting to contact his cousins say you've written to his aunt and haven't received a reply, and explain that sometimes we have to accept that others have a right to privacy and shouldn't be pestered for replies/information etc just because we're curious about them.

If you intend to email your ex-sil I would suggest you word it on the lines of you hope she and (names of her dc) are keeping well, that it's always been a source of regret to you that you've missed out on watching them grow to maturity and you're sure they're a credit to her.

Say that you also hope (your ds's name) will have opportunity to get to know them at some future date and give some information about him - ie it's hard to believe but (ds name) is now 10, he likes (give a few examples such as his favourite tv programme, sports, hobbies etc), and his favourite subject at school is (name of subject).

Add that you remain estranged from your brother (don't write his name) and always will be. End with 'wishing you all the best and please don't feel obliged to reply if this email is unwelcome to you' or similar.

but this is what my DS wants Would you let your ds climb into a bear pit if that's what he wanted to do? It's up to you to safeguard your ds and making contact with his cousins has the potential to cause him as much mental harm as being mauled by bears would do to his physical body.

In addition, 16 and 21 yo are unlikely to have time for a 10yo who's living in another country but the simple fact is that, to all intents and purposes, they are complete strangers to you and you don't know what manner of young wo/men they have become.

[AbeSaidYes]

Sounds like she doesn't want any link to your brother and you should respect this. DS is young, you are in charge. Tell him it is not possible for him to see them.

[IguanaTail]

I agree with previous posters. Your DS doesn't have the judgment that you do and thinks that his cousins are potential friends. Meanwhile your ex sil is doing everything to cut contact.

Tell him no - just because he wants to doesn't mean it's a good idea and this probing could end up very unpleasant.

[CarrieLouise25]

Firstly, so sorry for what you went through

I do think that your SIL and cousins need to be left alone. If they had wanted to make contact, then they would have responded the the letter you sent in the beginning when they split.

I realise you have gone no contact, and that's the right thing to do in my opinion. Although your DS wants contact, you are the parent, and you decide what is best.

I would gently explain that starting up any contact (email/anything) would cause pain and hurt and that you wrote to SIL before, and she did not want contact.

Good luck OP x

[goddessofsmallthings]

The problem is that the ds has been allowed to get his hopes up that he may get to meet his cousins who may be his only 'peer relatives', as it were, on his maternal side and the OP will need to let him down gently in a way that doesn't encourage him to believe he will be able to have any meaningful relationship with them in the future.

Hopefully, this is just a passing fad and he'll forget about them when he's back at school.