Before you found out you were being cheated on was Dh or Dp still affectionate with you??

[Louisa111]

Don't want to go into too many details but I've suspected for a while my Dh has been having an affair with a work colleague. In the beginning I kept accusing, things just didn't add up. Of course he denied but my insecurities caused quite a few problems and rows between us.

Late last year I took a step back, anything I wasn't sure about I kept it to myself although there didn't seem to be much going on.

However now at times I'm still not sure, too many odd coincidences, to add to my problems this work colleague has been gushing about her lovely man she's been seeing for a year who works with her but they are keeping it very low key. I know this as we have a mutual friend on fb and she told me .

The thing is my dh is still being really affectionate with me, tells me he loves me etc but is it normal for someone to cheat yet still act like then are totally into their wife still??

[OllyBJolly]

Yes

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

Very. Guilt. Appreciation of partner in knowledge that they may lose them soon. General happiness with life because they are in love.

Not to say that your DH is cheating. I'd be sure before you accuse.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, he was. But he left pretty quickly after the (probably) first time he cheated, so there wasn't that much of a timeline in terms of crossover. He'd known her for 4 months when he left (that was when she joined his company) and I'm fairly certain that nothing more than chat happened prior to his very abrupt departure after one late night home.

Can your mutual friend do very subtle digging about the "lovely" man in terms of name, or initials? Or does the potential OW know that she's your friend too?

[JellyBean31]

He was horrible to me, finding fault in everything even the way I laughed & are. At the time I accused him of cheating as I felt I was being unfavourably compared to someone else and coming off 2nd best.

He denied of course... a couple of years later I found out I'd been right.

I think any changes in behaviour good or bad can be a sign. If lovey dovey is the norm for you 2 that's one thing, but if it isn't and he's ott compared to usual I'd be thinking the same as you.

The bottom line tho is that is you're not happy, insecure & anxious it doesn't matter if he's cheating or not!!

[Louisa111]

Like I say I don't want to say too much on here but no my friend can't really, it would seem strange. She's just reporting back a few things she's put on fb.
Seems strange to me how you can see someone for over a year but not make it official!!
The thing is am I gonna have to do some serious detective work?? If I haven't caught them out in over a year when will I?? Im pretty damn sure it's my man she's on about!!

[QuiteLikely5]

Does he have an iPhone? You can install an app that lets you see from the iPad the location of the iPhone. Or you can look at all his locations visited in his iPhone. Not sure where about in the phone you look but it can be done.

[Louisa111]

I know where to look but he's changed his code. Last year he was alway hiding his phone, in pocket etc! Now he's quite openly leaving phone around but code is changed. Would love to know what app I can install.

Last year when I first was suspicious he was awful
To me, found fault in everything I did etc but just lately he's the opposite, alway telling me he loves me, very affectionate etc, it's just got me wondering??

[maybebabybee]

What other things have made you suspect?

In general I would say trust your instincts but obviously it's hard to accuse when you don't actually have any proof.

[SeasideSunshine]

Do you trust him? Are you actually even happy with him?

[SongBird16]

I would ask him for the passcode to his phone. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

Failing that you can buy gps trackers online quite cheaply, and just need to hide it in his car (or use an old phone with location services switched on).

Like you, I'd want to be sure. I wouldn't end a relationship on a hunch, and would want to avoid the drama of accusations and denials.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

No advice, but I'm really sorry you're going through these worries.

Is your DH your friend on FB? And hers?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think you know - it's your gut and it's normally right.
My OH was still very affectionate but he would get angry faster.
I found conclusive proof via mobile phone bill.
Can you have a look at that.
It's a bit different now as IMessaging, whatsapp etc.... don't show up but if they are phoning each other that might show.

[Hobbitwife001]

Yes, my stbxh was affectionate to me, still having sex, he said he would never leave me and the children after I questioned him for months over his interaction with a friend of ours.
He left for her shortly after. I think you just need to trust you intuition on this. I knew his behaviours better than he did himself, he thought he was being so clever hiding his true nature. He looked at my phone but wouldn't let me see his, the same with FB, ( I wasn't on it at the time).

These men can compartmentalise their lives to such an extent, I don't think they even feel any guilt for what they are doing or any empathy for their betrayed spouse. The not knowing the truth of what was happening nearly drove me to the edge of my sanity. Please look after yourself.

[MiddleAgedandConfused]

My dad was actually much nicer to my mum when he was having his affair.

[Louisa111]

I am happy with him but just have theses doubts, now made even worse by her comments about her man, it all sounds just like my dh.

The phone thing drives me crazy, he would think nothing of oicking my phone up and going through, I've never done the same as a believe a phone is private but he's definitely changed his code.
I know this will drive me crazy but it's got to the point now I will need proof, I can't say anything. I'm just carrying on as normal. It's getting the proof that's gonna be hard. It's so much harder than the not knowing. If I knew one way all the other I could face it head on

[LeonC]

I felt there might be a 'frisson' between my then DH and someone he worked with. We had to go into the city for an appointment and walking past a jewellers he pushed me in the door and said he wanted to buy me something to show how much he loved me.
I knew then they were having an affair.

[Wando]

It's not unusual when people enter an affair for them to become more intimate with their partner.

[BartholinsSister]

Tell him your phone is out of charge, and ask if you can quickly borrow his to look something up. Watch his response v carefully.

[Jan45]

Well when is he seeing her, can't you try catching him out then, where does he go or say he is going?

[Fairylea]

In my experience my ex completely shut off from me. He started going out with friends more, sitting up very late on his own, constantly on his laptop, even stayed home when I went away with dd for a caravan break. At the time I just thought he was stressed with work. He would regularly stay with his mum to visit her (she lived in London, we were in Norfolk having relocated) and that was normal behaviour so I didn't think much of it. Turns out when he was at his mums he had been meeting up with the ex he'd had before me. Within the space of 2 weeks of telling me he didn't love me he'd upped and left never to be seen or heard of again.

[DragonsCanHop]

fairylea what a cunt he was.

[mikulkin]

You need to trust your instinct but if it is any consolation I have been seeing my DP (who is also my work colleague) for a year before we told at work. He was not married or in a relationship but we just decided to keep it low key. The only reason we told at work after a year was because people started suspecting, some asked and we didn't really want to deny our relationship. If nobody was suspecting anything we probably would have carried on without telling anybody. So it could be this woman is seeing somebody else.

[Fairylea]

Thank you Dragons. Yes he was. If it helps anyone else reading this though going through similar some years later I am now happily remarried and have another child with my new husband. Life was the worst it could have been for about 3 years coming through it all though. I feel for anyone in similar situations.

Op I would trust your instincts.

[Louisa111]

fairylea that's awful!! So glad everything worked out for you in the end.
jan45. The only time would be at work but my dh works extremely long hours, gets home late most nights but unless I knew his every move I couldn't tell you if he really is at work all this time , if two people really want to see each there are ways but on the plus side he isn't going away on business trips etc x

[Littlehomebird]

He could be affectionate-(guilt) but he could also be vile-(justification). Can't you check his itemised phone bills? I used to check his phone but once he knew I was doing that he told the ow only to text him during work , then he'd delete all communication before coming home. Bastards.