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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How to end it

12 replies

LLG123 · 26/08/2015 14:40

I know that I need to end our 11 yr relationship - and sooner rather than later. I have thought it through properly etc and think i know what I need to try to say to make it as amicable as possible (he can get very awkward when emotional) but I need him to keep being a good Daddy for our little girl (2.5 yrs)
I know i can sort myself, our child and our two dogs out without him - it wont be easy exactly - but I am really worried that my fiance will take it badly and either get in a mess himself (he has an alcohol problem - I don't know the extent and can be a little emotionally abusive) or become awkward about things / damage possessions etc. I am so scared that it will affect his relationship with our little girl and have waited until they have grown a solid relationship (she was a bit of a mummy's girl).
Basically I know it needs to be done for my own happiness but I think I need to hear success stories where the unsuspecting other half dealt well (maybe even became a better person?) with the split despite expectations. We are going through a quiet companionable patch now and I know that is the time to do it rather than when his mood is low - but his closest members of family are away so I will wait until they get back. So I can put it off for a little while but have planned the talk about 3 times now and wimped out at the last minute each time. I need to just get some courage that he will be ok I think! ...it's not because I am big headed by the way, I know I'm not all that lol I'm just worried for his health and ability to be the great Daddy I know he can be.

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PurpleWithRed · 26/08/2015 14:52

Does he have any idea you are unhappy? planning to leave? have you made any attempts to mend the relationship? or is it all going to be a huge shock?

Whatever happens you can't make it 'nice'. And what kind of a father he is is up to him. You just have to grit your teeth and get on with it.

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LLG123 · 26/08/2015 15:10

I took some time out for a couple of weeks early in the year last year (the worst but not only bad time so far) but he persuaded me to try again. We are no longer close so he must have an ldea that all is not well. We have had a couple of 'setbacks' and supposedly cleared the air but the changes aren't happening. I have tried to figure out why i am not happy to keep trying and conclude that as well as no energy for it any more, it is simply because I don't feel that way towards him any more. Our relationship is at best one of companionable friendship, at worst he is snappy and moody - can be a bit evil to me if I'm honest. I am growing to hate confrontation, do my best to avoid it and end up on edge most of the time in case he snaps. I feel responsible for the actions of our girl, the dogs, visitors etc in case something annoys him - it's exhausting to be honest and I know I can be happier without that pressure 24 / 7.
I know it can't be avoided I was just hoping that I might get a bit of false courage by hearing success stories. At least I can be ready for many possibilities when I take the plunge.

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Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 15:48

There are no easy ways. If you feel physically threatened then you should have someone with you. Otherwise I'm afraid you just have to have the chat BUT be absolutely sure it's right for you first.

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Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 15:53

Do you have someone you could talk this through with?

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LLG123 · 26/08/2015 16:07

I have a lot of support for if / when I need it and I do have people to talk to now I just feel like I'm going behind his back - I should be talking to him about it (I know, not some strangers!). It's him dwelling on it that I'm worried about! I don't think he will get violent. He might chuck me out and not let me have the dogs but I'll be fine and do my best not to let our girl get too affected.

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LLG123 · 26/08/2015 16:09

...that sounded very self sympathetic - I didn't mean it to sound like that.

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KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 26/08/2015 16:25

If you prepare for the worst scenarios then anything better than the worst will be a relief.

Fantasising about an easy break up isn't going to help you.

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KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 26/08/2015 16:27

How could he chuck you out? By what possible mechanism could he get you to leave your home?

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Wando · 26/08/2015 16:51

The more you prepare the better you are likely to feel. Do it in an environment you are comfortable with and then have an escape route for a few hours (family?) to give you both space.

It is hard

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LLG123 · 26/08/2015 20:10

I have places to go if I need to. I know it won't be easy

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Wando · 26/08/2015 22:52

Keep posting - there is a support network here as well.

I'm very glad you've got places to go.

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LLG123 · 01/09/2015 20:27

Arghhh still haven't worked up the courage! We've had a rocky weekend (he made me feel guilty for going to work and a teething child caused a LOT of aggro as they both clash with each other in mad moods and I get in the middle) but as soon as I get chance to talk (when we have put our girl to bed) things are serene and I wimp out.... Having a hot bath now instead of facing the music - I'm so rubbish.