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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Strip club

43 replies

liv179 · 26/08/2015 13:52

Hi everyone,

I very recently found out that my long term partner went on a stag do and had a lap dance. He told me that his friend bought the lap dance for him but he told me that he regrets having it, he was drunk etc. in my opinion if you DIDNT want it, you wouldn't go? If I was drunk and a naked male stripper offered me s dance I would say hell no!! Every time we talk about it he tries to turn the tables on me, saying he thinks we should go on a break. I don't think he realises how much he had hurt me and betrayed my trust. I just don't know what to do anymore. He thinks if I just get everything off my chest everything will be okay but he doesn't realise that I now have trust issues. I have caught him before flirting with girls online. Does he want to be with me? When he isn't doing these things he is really nice and loving but it's always in the back of my mind that he has done this to me.

Sorry about the rambling and if it's a bit depressing haha but I just needed to get this off my Chest and get some opinions!

OP posts:

Report

liv179 · 26/08/2015 13:52

OP posts:

operaha · 26/08/2015 13:54

your point is dead on, no one could force me to have a lap dance... he was bang out of order.
But the flirting online would have had me kick his ass out well before this happened anyway how did he get away with that?!

liv179 · 26/08/2015 13:57

Sometimes you are blinded by love! I've seen it happen to so many people and I've said get rid but it's so much harder when it's yourself in the same position

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 26/08/2015 13:58

Yep, I'd have ended it at the flirting with girls online too.

The question isn't does he want to be with you, but should be, why do you want to be with him?

And, "but I love him" doesn't count as a good enough reason for letting someone behave so disrespectfully.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 26/08/2015 14:00

It really isn't harder. I ended my marriage after discovering he'd been contacting women online.

It was actually very easy.

liv179 · 26/08/2015 14:01

It's such a hard situation, I could learn to forgive him but our trust of completely ruined. The main question is do I rebuild it or just leave?

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 26/08/2015 14:03

You just leave. Or kick hin out. Whichever Iis appropriate.

Rebuild the trust? Why force yourself to trust someone you know can't be trusted? Why would you do that?

rosieliveson1 · 26/08/2015 14:05

This is an awful situation and I dread this sort of outcome from stag parties.
To me, having a naked or semi naked woman gyrating in front of your face, for your enjoyment, is wrong when in a relationship. I know it is a much debated issue but it makes no difference to me whether money changed hands and it was in a club or whether it was a woman picked up in a bar and it took place in her living room. In fact, maybe it's worse as the poor sex worker actually had no choice at all!

I have always told DH that this is a deal breaker for me. I am not going to say LTB as that is for you to decide but I hope you can come through this and find a way to deal with it that means you are happy and secure either in or out of your relationship.

liv179 · 26/08/2015 14:08

Oh and I forgot to add that he told me he went to a strip club and I asked him if he had a dance. He said no. Then I looked on his phone (which I know is wrong I just had that 'feeljng') and I saw that he had told his cousin he had a lap dance. Denied it At first but he got caught red handed

OP posts:

JellyBean31 · 26/08/2015 14:11

He's already told you he thinks you should go on a break? A holiday or a break from the relationship?

He might want to be with you but it seems he doesn't want that enough to treat you with respect.

liv179 · 26/08/2015 14:13

A break from the relationship. Maybe he will realise what he has lost when he actually loses it

OP posts:

liv179 · 26/08/2015 14:14

and thanks rosieliveson1 your response has helped me a lot!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/08/2015 14:16

Have a break and you will find that what you thought you would lose wasn't actually there at all.

You do realise there are some really nice, non-sleazy, decent men around, don't you?

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 14:29

I know this is horrible but at the risk of being castigated I wouldn't end a relationship over this. Tell him how much it hurts and tell him that if it ever happens again you are gone. Im

liv179 · 26/08/2015 15:09

Thank you everyone for your responses, i wasn't expecting so many people to reply to me!!
I will let you all know what happens (not that you will all be interested ha)

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 26/08/2015 15:31

OP if you search on mn history for similar stories you will find that it is always the same lame 'reasons' that these men give. My mates set me up, I was drunk, etc.

When you think about it, what else could they say without being totally honest and admitting they wanted sexual contact with another woman and that they were prepared to pay for it.

Also, none of these men would want their own partners to be giving out lap dances or stripping, oh no, just other people's partners, daughters, mothers, etc.

It says quite a lot about how he views women and tells you all you need to know about how he views you. Stay with him if you want but don't say you didn't know what kind of person he was.

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 15:31

good luck

JellyBean31 · 26/08/2015 15:36

You ask in your op if he really wants to be with you..... If he's asking for a break, theres your answer. No, he doesn't.

liv179 · 26/08/2015 16:00

I think I just need to wake up and smell the coffee really don't I

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 26/08/2015 16:29

smiling even though she's caught him doing dodgy things before?

Surely he had his second chance after that?

mrstweefromtweesville · 26/08/2015 16:49

You do indeed need to wake up and smell the coffee, OP. I accept that its difficult for you to make life-changing decisions, but he's doing all he can to tell you the relationship is dead, whilst being too cowardly to say the actual words. Good luck.

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 17:28

I didn't see the fact that this was a repeat. This makes it much harder. It's a very personal decision what to do next.

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Fairenuff · 26/08/2015 17:34

Smiling out of interest, if this didn't happen in a club but he had just met a woman in a bar, gone back to hers and let her perform her lap dance in the living room, with no exchange of money, would you then consider it cheating, or not?

MrsPCR · 26/08/2015 17:37

I don't have a problem with DH going to a strip club on a stag do and actually find it quite funny. They barely see anything. I was quite disappointed for him when I realised what they're really like.

I would have a problem if DH lied to me, more that he felt he had to lie about his actions, rather than what he was lying about. That would make me question the basis of our relationship.

If he's asking for a break, maybe he doesn't want to be with you or doesn't want to feel obliged to lie about his actions because they don't sit well with you. You need to sit down and have a very open chat about boundaries and expectations.

There were a couple on my DH's stag do that didn't tell their partners they went to a strip club. I think there always is!!

stepsharp · 26/08/2015 17:53

MrsPCR Who described what a lap dance consists of to you? and do you think that all lap dances are the same?

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