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Relationships

Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

366 replies

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:35

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:53

Sorry - to clarify, DP lives with me (since before xmas) and ds/xw live 15 mins away

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 22/08/2015 00:01

Ahh shit. I think your bad feeling is onto something. It looks dodgy as fuck.

MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 00:03

Glad it's not just me thinking that Surly tbh. I know he will brush it off but it is dodgy.

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3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 22/08/2015 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/08/2015 00:12

If his ds only lives 15mins away why is it necessary for him to stay over at his xw's house? If she's going out for the evening, surely the dc can come to stay with his df and you as he's done on numerous occasions before June.

If she's willing to take her ex back, I doubt your dp is going to be treating your home as a hotel for much longer.

If you're not able to sleep I suggest you put the long night to good use by packing his stuff up and tell him he's dumped for taking the piss when he returns.

SurlyCue · 22/08/2015 00:13

Im sorry OP, probably not what you wanted to hear but no point lying and saying it sounds fine. It doesnt. At the very least i reckon his exw is leaning on him emotionally since her break up. Maybe as a shoulder to cry on. But to the extent he is sleeping over? Thats crossing a boundary IMO.

MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 00:16

No I would rather hear the truth as tbh, that's what has been going on in my head and it's good to know I'm not going mad.

She probably has leaned on him, her dad dying a few weeks after her boyfriend left. It just seems that step too far.

He text me when he got there to say he was mine tomorrow night - whoopdeedoo. We need to talk.

OP posts:
3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 22/08/2015 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuckyLastard · 22/08/2015 00:21

So what's he doing after ds has gone to sleep?

MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 00:24

I might just text back 'thanks - we need to talk so you being in would help'.

I feel a bit sick but don't put up with this kinda shite and if the 'leaning' is more like 'sharing a bed' then he will be out on his ear.

I did manage to read some texts between them yesterday (sat next to him so could see) and there was just the usual stuff re kids/asking him to paint her mother's door today....after he'd been around to his XWs on Tuesday to 'do some varnishing'. Fuck.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 00:25

No idea Bucky

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BuckyLastard · 22/08/2015 00:29

I was expecting to read ds lived miles away. 15 mins is nothing dp could have gone and put ds to bed had dinner with him ect and then returned home.

Are you sure he is even there?.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/08/2015 00:29

You'll have him for a whole night? Wow - aren't you the lucky one!

The ex may well need a shoulder to cry on, but it's not appropriate for him to let her sob on his while you're left home alone night after night.

When you're having that talk tell him your patience is exhausted and if he's going to continue treating your home as a hotel he may as well check in at his ex's b&b.

The ex may well need a shoulder to cry on, but it's not appropriate for him to let her sob on his while you're left home alone night after night.

Missdee2014 · 22/08/2015 00:30

Sounds to me like your gut could be right. Also, why is he varnishing for exwife and painting for her mother?

MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 00:32

Have text him. Am actually not sure at all now you've mentioned it Bucky. Yes, he has done that before - gone out for tea with him/brought him here, taken him home, put him to bed and then come back here. This just feels off - but he will say it was just so he could spend time with his son.

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BuckyLastard · 22/08/2015 00:38

Ah sorry Mutha I wasn't trying to make you feel worse Flowers

Did you receive a reply to your text?.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/08/2015 00:41

Seems to me he's become all things to 2 women - substitute df and dp to his ex and dh to her dm and unless it stops now, it'll carry on past the point of either/both of them taking up with new partners and he'll be their 'go-to' for years to come.

Spending time with his ds at your place will ensure he has happy dc and a happy dp and he should be prioritising your feelings over those of his ex and exmil.

MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 00:43

Thank you - I shall be telling him exactly that goddess.

He asked me what was up earlier and when I came out with the hotel comment re him coming and going - he said he's working two jobs, has his football to fit in, seeing his son more, family, me. I told him I was getting further down the list and why wasn't seeing his son/family/me one all inclusive deal?!

His 2nd job is a decorator - yet I'm still waiting for my hall to be done but that's not a 'five minute job'. Whereas the varnishing was - apparently Hmm. Oh and five minutes was from 6pm to 9.30pm

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MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 00:48

Sorry - x posting.

It's ok Bucky - not you that's making me feel bad!

goddess - He is one to be all things and do anything for everyone - forgetting those who are the most important at times. I've had this out with him before and he has reigned it in.

We need to talk again - he knows I don't take any shite, don't need him (which I've said to his face) and will have a full and frank discussion. If it is just being too nice and prioritising them over me for a short while, he will be told to nip it in the bud or we are done.

And if it's more than varnishing her stairs and sleeping on a camp bed - his stuff will be in the garden tomorrow.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 00:48

Sorry - no reply to text as yet.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 00:52

And thanks for your replies - it makes me feel less bonkers.

I know I can be a bit hard-faced, and yes they've lost their df/dh and xw her partner/ds step-dad but I feel like I've lost my dp to a certain extent and am not happy that their wants and needs should become a permanent feature above mine. That doesn't sound too harsh does it?!

OP posts:
VerityWaves · 22/08/2015 00:56

No it doesn't !

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BuckyLastard · 22/08/2015 01:00

No I don't think you sound harsh.
Dp could of easily seen his ds without spending the night.

TheGrandPooBah · 22/08/2015 01:07

Sorry, OP, I'm with the others on this - something is off. It's classic cheating behaviour.

MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 01:12

Thanks both.

Yes Thegrand - I think it could be three things; 1) the too nice/helpful thing, 2) the start of something or 3) the culmination.

Will be finding out which one tomorrow. May even show him this thread too.

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