Help me decide what to do tonight - cancel or not?

[brannigan]

I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. I say three months but we've only had 4 dates because we both have insane summer-heavy jobs and also both had long holidays away over summer with our respective kids.

We keep in touch via text and phone quite regularly.

I like him...he ticks all the boxes. Handsome, clever, kind, responsible but he is also a it rubbish at romance which he apologises for. I admittedly feel no sense of intimacy at all with him.

I ended it a few weeks ago as I felt he wasn't making enough effort to see me and contact was dwindling which I read as a loss off interest. He phoned and said it wasn't a loss of interest he was just busy over the summer and was going to put some real effort into building a relationship after summer. He said he was a bit lost after being hurt a few years ago and this was his first relationship and he seems sincere (he's not a player) so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt.

So this week is the week our schedules finally get easier and we had long ago booked to spend the weekend away together, and I am meant to be leaving in a few hours.

On the upside, he has made the effort to plan something, and he has also made plans for a couple more dates and another weekend away next month and has acted the perfect gentleman in that sense.

On the downside, he's barely talked to me all week and could have made time to ask me out for a drink or something but hasn't. He went two days without a single text or call at the start of the week, then said he was sorry someone had died (sounded like a very long distance ex work colleague) and then the past two days he had done it again to the point I woke up this morning unsure if I was going or not. He's also not once said he is looking forward to seeing me or anything at all.

I got a text this morning finally to say sorry he'd been mentally busy and what time and when to meet him.

I don't want to be a drama queen, but it all feels so depressing....going on a weekend away with a man who can't be fucked to find 30 seconds in a day to text me and hasn't said a word about being pleased to see me after 6 weeks apart.

What should I do?

I am leaning towards going along and trying to talk to him and get to the bottom of this cold behavior and figure out what's going on and on the other hand I just feel a bit like going out with someone else who can be arsed a bit more.

He's not a dick...not at all...but I get the sense he's not the best with women.

[ImperialBlether]

Go out with someone else.

If he can't be enthusiastic when you've only had four dates, then fuck him. You want someone who is cheerful and positive and who looks forward to seeing you.

This doesn't sound like there's any excitement there at all, so what's the point?

[MatildaTheCat]

I think this is all about differing expectations. I don't know how old you are he are but I am from a pre text generation. Now I do text quite a bit, mainly for the purpose of making arrangements etc rather than just 'hello' type messages.

My dh barely ever texts. He's quite typical of all the men I know. They make a call to make arrangements and that's about it. Sending daily texts is simply not on their agenda. So I'm seeing it from this man's perspective, he hasn't texted because it never occurred to him.

Of course, he could be a cold, unavailable cad but I would definitely not assume that simply because he has stauck to the arrangements you have made.

Fwiw my dh doesn't do emotional word and shows of romance very much but he's got a million brilliant attributes that are much more valuable to me.

So I would go. Have fun.

[ovenchips]

I would go. See how he is then and I think you'll have your answer as to whether you want to continue.

[brannigan]

I think it probably I diferring expectations. I think the reason is bothers me is that when he was persuing me and trying to get me to go out with him I got much more frequent communicaiton, more effort, more everything and while he says the change is due to busyness I am not sure that's true or not.

Hes mid forties, I am mid thirties and I know he's not the "sit there texting all day type" - he's never on Facebook or online...he's always doing something, but would it kill him to send a text the day before a weekend away to say "really busy but looking forward to tomorrow?"

It's the diferrence between someone feeling unwanted and wanted I suppose.

I am going to go and talk to him, but I'm not going feeling excited or happy about any of it. I feel like I am being put in a position where I have a strop on when we should be excited to see each other.

He did ask me the other night if his lack of romance frustrated me so he knows he is doing it I suppose.

I can accept lack of romance if he has a million other brilliant attributes, but I suppose I don't know him well enough to know if that's the case

[TheStoic]

Sounds like he's just not a communicator. I don't think it's necessarily a reflection of his level of interest in you.

If this was me, I'd give it some more time.

[loveyoutothemoon]

You say he hasn't bothered to text you, have you text him? Works both ways.

[OooMatron]

My last guy was 'emotionally detached and unavaliable'. Its extremely difficult to deal with especially if you are not. If you need more input from someone, this is not the person for you. He doesnt sound ready for a relationship, let alone anything else.

[Radiatorvalves]

My DH is late 40s and I haven't had a text from him since Monday. It was "boys need gloves, helmet and lunch. U need to pay. Session 10-3. M x"

And he works away during the week. We usually have a quick chat in the evenings, but not always.

Give it a go and see if you like him. Good luck.

[brannigan]

I texted him on 19th August at 21.11 after I'd not heard from him all day to say I'd got a dress for our weekend away.

Got no reply until 9am this morning that said sorry he'd been busy, has to go to the office and will call me soon and when and where to meet him.

So yes...he directly ignored my text.

Doesn't feel very nice when someone does that. Last night I was sitting there thinking that I wondered if he was not wanting to see me today.

I really feel like asking that actually, but then what can he say? He's a decent sort of man if he wasn't wanting to see me he'd say of course he was anyway.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Does he have a long name starting with J?

[brannigan]

Sorry that was lost on me with the J thing?

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

I'm wondering whetger it's the same guy I dated a while back. His first name starts with J. If it isn't, they must be reading from the same book .
At them, not you!

[ovenchips]

It feels like you're overthinking at this stage. He could be 1)awful, 2)unsuitable for you or 3)fantastic and amazing but doesn't text.

If you meet with these question marks in mind and spend time with him you'll find out. Job done!

[DrMorbius]

So if the majority of posters on here said "cancel" would you cancel the ??

Why don't you show him your post, then the decision may be taken out of your hands.

[brannigan]

that's how it feels to me odfod.

I asked him about that a while ago and he said he thought I was very attractive physically and he wanted to put time in together to see if there was also a connection on the other levels.

The way he communicates is like he's talking to a colleague or something.

Urgh, just wish I didn't have to go but feel like I do just to talk this through if nothing else.

I just feel like a very low priority or something that he thinks about when he's got nothing else to do.

[brannigan]

no drink, not the same man.

No I suppose I'd not cancel but the things people comment might affect how I handle it when I go.

I think cancelling might be silly after so much time invested and it'd be better to discuss face to face.

I am just not sure if I am expecting too much.

[brannigan]

that's a good way to look at it ovenchips.

I'm not attached emotionally at all...woudn't shed a tear if I never saw him again, but I was torn I suppose with wondering whether to go along and see what he was all about (a weekend is longer than we've spent together before) or telling him to fuck off.

I feel a bit disrespected.

I don't think it's very nice to invite a woman for a weekend away and not tell her until the morning of where she is going and when. Seems quite dismissive and shows a lack of interest and enthusiasm that's offputting.

It's not that I'm upset...I'm put off.

[niceupthedance]

I would go. But then I don't need a lot of 'romance'.

[venusandmars]

I hate the level of expectation that we are all on our phones day and night, ready to respond.

You texted on the evening of 19th, with something conversational, fair enough. He replied about 36 hours later confirming the arrangements (and acknowledging that he'd not got back to you sooner). For me that would be fine.

I'm not a frequent texter, online poster, or facebook person. I'd feel uncomfortable and under a lot of pressure if someone expected me to text them every day or reply to every text within 24 hours. Might be my age.

If you do go to meet him, you either have to get over your strop (which you put yourself into) and see how it goes, or you are going to have to be clear with him right at the start that you have very different expectations about communication. If you don't it will be unfair on him because he won't know what he's doing wrong, and unfair to you because you're going to be second guessing his intentions.

[Ragwort]

I wouldn't really want to go away for a weekend with someone I'd only met for four dates previously ........... seems a bit intense as you can't know him that well.

The phrase he said he thought I was very attractive physically and he wanted to put time in together to see if there was also a connection on the other levels would be a massive red flag for me, unless you are looking for a 'no strings attached' sort of relationship.

[ovenchips]

But he may think the simple act of inviting you away is not dismissive and shows interest and enthusiasm. It may be as clear as day to him that he's very interested and likes you enough to go away with.

You're second guessing his motives purely because he is not behaving exactly as you would if you were him.

Stop the internal dialogue. Meet him, then dump him or come back to post how absolutely lovely he is

[ChilliAndMint]

I'd go and make the most of it.

I'm getting the impression he is making excuses for not communicating as often as you would expect from someone you have been dating for 3 months.

[loveyoutothemoon]

I wouldn't be happy with no text about your dress. Is there chemistry when you see eachother?