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Separated from dh, he wants me to consider trying again, I can now see pictures of him on holiday on FB with our female friend!

(48 Posts)
Aquarius1000 Fri 21-Aug-15 06:47:50

What would you do. I've been separated from dh for 8 months. At the weekend we met up and talked about thinking about trying to get back together. 2 days ago I saw pictures of him on a friends FB page (abroad!) with him. What would you do? I'm tempted to message the woman and tell her we were mid considering what to do about our marriage and this hasn't helped although he's the one who's chosen to go I guess. I'm not sure what's going on between them but if it's anything romantic she's definitely his plan B and he's always wanted us to get back together.

tallwivglasses Fri 21-Aug-15 06:52:51

What would I do? I'd tell him to fuck off. Even if you are his plan A, could you really get back with someone so dense as to risk pictures of him with another woman appearing on Facebook?

ThisIsFolkGirl Fri 21-Aug-15 06:56:21

I don't understand this.

Why does it matter if he went on holiday with a mutual friend? I understand even less why the abroad bit is relevant.

Haven't you behaved a little more like a single person since you seperatedd amd gone amd done things and had fun?
And that comment about her being a plan b is really spiteful.

He went on holiday with a friend. He was separated. It's allowed.

antimatter Fri 21-Aug-15 06:56:42

How do you know you aren't his plan 'B'?

ThisIsFolkGirl Fri 21-Aug-15 06:59:14

Tell him to fuck off?! What were the nature of these photos? I went on holiday/out with male and female friends when I separated and there are even photos on fb documenting this.

Aquarius1000 Fri 21-Aug-15 07:00:03

I'm not sure she is just a friend now though. I don't see his FB posts, I see hers. She's uploaded photos of them spending evenings together and weekend walks too. There's now a series of photos of all the places they are visiting.
She knows I can see them.

Lweji Fri 21-Aug-15 07:01:30

What tall said.

Why did you separate? Whose initiative was it? Has anything improved?
Did they go as a couple?

And don't do what it's called here the pick up dance. On purpose or not, you seeing the pictures has kicked your sense of ownership on him. You are already considering telling her he has always wanted you... has he really?

And if you don't trust him, why consider going back?

lunar1 Fri 21-Aug-15 07:01:34

I don't think you can go back to what you had. I just don't think things are ever the sae after a split.

Aquarius1000 Fri 21-Aug-15 07:08:44

He has always wanted me and told me at the weekend. There were a lot of issues which I was really having a think about. Due to my ds commitments and other issues I haven't been able to have the lifestyle he wanted and this friend has no dc, has the finances and time and seems to be able to do the things with him that I can't.
I guess it's just the fact that at the weekend he said he really wanted me to think about reconciling and didn't even mention going away with her.

kittensinmydinner Fri 21-Aug-15 07:09:51

I don't understand why him being on holiday with a mutual friend makes any difference. You are both separated at the moment. You are considering getting back together. Either you trust that this is a simple holiday with a friend and start moving things forward when his back, or you stay separated. To me it sounds a bit like ' I don't really want him - but I don't want anyone else to want him either'. I think you need to sort out in your head if reconciliation is what you really want.

ThisIsFolkGirl Fri 21-Aug-15 07:10:01

Well look, if you don't trust him, then don't get back together.

But, unless they look like a couple on these photos, I don't see that that is a problem.

And there's certainly no need to be rude about her.

Aquarius1000 Fri 21-Aug-15 07:11:18

I know I'm not his plan B as he used to make negative comments about this woman through our marriage.

ThisIsFolkGirl Fri 21-Aug-15 07:14:51

But it's none of your business what he does/did whilst separated.

Seriously, haven't you made the most of your free time since separating?

AnyFucker Fri 21-Aug-15 07:15:22

You are being played like a fiddle, love

He said, he said, he said and yet your first reaction is to message this woman who is trying to steal "your" fella hmm

he's like a dog with 2 dicks, isn't he ?

it would be interesting to hear what he is telling her about you

ThisIsFolkGirl Fri 21-Aug-15 07:18:40

Well he liked her enough to go on holiday and spend time with her on days out. Maybe he has just got to know her better. Maybe he didn't have to pretend to not like her with you not around. No one knows.

But you're still being spiteful about her. She isn't relevant in this.

Why did you separate? Have those issues been addressed?

He is allowed to have friends.

Lweji Fri 21-Aug-15 07:20:06

I know I'm not his plan B as he used to make negative comments about this woman through our marriage.

You should read your posts again.

Yet he's going on holiday with her, and she can give him what he wants financially?
And he's told you he wants you for 6 months or this weekend and that's your evidence?

ThisIsFolkGirl Fri 21-Aug-15 07:22:10

Maybe I'm just being naive. I have single/married/separated friends, both male and female. I've been away for the weekend and out for the day with them and it's all innocent. I can't see a problem with that in and of itself.

You need to stop focusing on being nasty about her and look at yourself, him and the relationship.

Tbh, I wouldn't go back, but not because he went on holiday with a friend.

Blu Fri 21-Aug-15 07:28:17

So he made negative comments about this woman, then despite these views he went on holiday with her and is constantly in her company....and despite that, is telling you he wants you.

If he found your commitments to your DS too restrictive on his lifestyle, that shows his priorities. Is he coming back to you saying he was wrong? He was shallow and unfair? Or is this mooted reconciliation on the basis of you making yourself available for his chosen lifestyle?

He is entitled to do as he likes when seperated, and he chose to had a fling with someone he had formerly criticized . He is either very shallow , or the negative comments were a ruse.

kitkat1989 Fri 21-Aug-15 07:30:58

Like the op i would jump to th wordt conclusions. As soon as i read it my initial reaction was that i would be msging xdp and asking what the hell is going on!

Yes youre separated and technically he can do what he likes but if he is after getting back together i would think he would see that things like that do look incriminating no matter how innocent it is especially if hes not mentioned it.

I do also agree that you shouldnt get back with this guy. It didnt work for a reason and just from these few posts of how you speak about yourself and your relationship its not a healthy relationship for you

Offred Fri 21-Aug-15 07:36:07

You are being very unwise.

He most likely told you negative things because he liked her not because he didn't.

Just because he has been saying he wants to get back together to you doesn't mean he is more interested in you than her.

Agree with folk girl in a way but I think it's very bad form when you split to start going on walks/evenings/holidays with your ex's friends especially when you have spent the marriage slagging them off so clearly they weren't ever mutual friends. It's nasty and isolating to do that, romantic possibilities aside.

He sounds like an attention seeking man child who thinks if he punishes you for not paying him enough attention, because you were caring for your son, by dangling his relationship with your friend in your face you will be a 'better wife' I.e. Give him the attention he feels entitled to.

I think you should not speak to him about getting back together anymore and cut loose your 'friend' who is allowing herself to be made part of his game.

Offred Fri 21-Aug-15 07:41:11

In fact are you sure he hasn't been seeing the 'friend' while you were together? It would certainly explain the criticism of you not having a lifestyle like hers and also the negative comments to you about her.

StonedGalah Fri 21-Aug-15 07:41:31

An ex bf did this, made not so no comments about a girl we knew. She was the first one he slept with after we broke up (I know this because he told me).

For me, it would depend whose friend she is, if she was yours then l'd quietly be walking away from it.

as for your DH only you can decide. But you've been separated 8 months, that's a long time to be working on issues.

StonedGalah Fri 21-Aug-15 07:42:03

*not so nice comments!

ThisIsFolkGirl Fri 21-Aug-15 07:50:20

The op described her as "our friend", so I assumed mutual.

I do think that he does/did like her and that's why he criticised her.

I don't think she is necessarily allowing herself to be part of the game. She might just be having fun with a friend.

I do take issue with the way you are talking about this 'friend' OP. You are falling into the trap of vilifying her in order to take the focus off him.

Maybe there was something dodgy going on. But he was separated at the time.

I still maintain that going on holiday with a mutual friend of the opposite gender is not a problem in itself.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 21-Aug-15 07:54:55

You come across as really jealous (and it's making you be really nasty about her) which is understandable if you still have feelings for your dh. But that's not the same as knowing you should get back together.

I think you should spend less time slagging her off and more time thinking about why you separated in the first place. This is not her issue.

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