Intimacy problem

[Zanymummy]

Hi first time poster came here after advice from friends didn't seem to work or appropriate,
I recently challenged my husband on his coldness towards me and lack of intimacy and indifference to me being here or not some days,
I have male friends but mostly via couples we have gotten to know and a few from my own work and social circle but one new friend i made a couple of years ago was hated intensely by my husband and cutting a long story short just over a year ago i was accused of either being in an emotional affair or a physical one with the friend he hated, I was then told to chose him or my friend i said no i refuse to throw away a friend at his say so when nothing is happening and tried to explain that i loved him and the friend was just that a friend that my friend that i gym with and sometimes bump into on girls nights out, he simmered about that but nothing much more and was still being nice then 6 months ago friend relocated with his work and husband then gloated that i had lost both now that he moved away, i was speechless that he harboured this grudge quietly for so long well maybe the odd comment disguised as a joke here or there but not this happy that he's gone and ignoring me, Has anyone else been through this or got any suggestions on how to try and move us on from here?

[Zanymummy]

Sorry I typed this quickly in between dealing with my kids and missed out some words here and there and can't see where to edit it

[summerwinterton]

I didn't need to read any more than his coldness and lack of intimacy. He sounds horrid - why do you stay?

And his being nasty about you having a friend - well, again. Why put up with that nonsense? Does he isolate you from others too.

[DoctorTwo]

Some men (NAM) get incredibly jealous when their partners make new male friends. This makes them, IMO, arseholes. Your H is not insecure, he's an arsehole who needs a new one ripped for him. Trying to control your friendships and gloating over a friend moving away is disgusting behaviour.

[Zanymummy]

Thank you DoctorTwo and summerwinton that was my first thoughts also but don't understand why he is ok with my other male friends just this one and i am still quite taken aback by his attitude regarding the gloating, That's why i was asking for neutral input from outside my friends circle, Some friends thought he felt threatened/intimidated by him and he will snap out of it and others saying kick him to the kerb, Just very bewildering to me that's all

[Smilingforth]

V personal choice - perhaps consider some professional help

[Zanymummy]

Professional help is the way to go but will have an uphill battle getting him there while he's like this, thanks for all your input

[Zanymummy]

I brought up the thorny issue of counselling on Friday evening and spent the last two nights on the sofa, apparently if i was interested in fixing our problems i would have ditched the friend that he didn't like and complained undermined him, he didn't undermine me he was just part of my social network for gym and friendship and nothing more than a good close friend, intimacy is very much at standstill (and i miss my cuddle)but working relationship in matters of household and kids still good and not abusive when we talk but do end up arguing away from kids over this when it's brought up, Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated

[Whatifitoldyou]

How long has there been a lack of intimacy for ?

It's not clear , does your husband feel your friend undermined him ?

[Zanymummy]

Almost a year without intimacy and gradually since i refused to chose between them both, the friend was someone i met through one of my other friends at the gym and as he worked flexi time at work he was free during the day for coffees etc, H felt i was spending too much time with him and felt i valued friends opinion over his as preferred him for driving lessons instead of H and then asked i changed gyms to the one he was a member of and not my friends gym also he didn't seem to get along/give him the chance that he did with other male friends that i have and he did accuse me of talking about this person non stop in an admiring way amongst other friends just innocent little things such as texting he was always seeing the negative aspect to it all

[FunkyColdOedema]

Why is counselling a thorny issue? Surely if you raised the idea that means you earnestly seek to improve your relationship? And for this you had to spend two nights on the sofa?

[Zanymummy]

That's what i tried to tell him FCO, I told him i was concerned that we were in danger of losing what we have/had and need a professionals impartial input and did explain again nothing more than friendship and why the lack of trust? As far as he is concerned the fact he didn't like the man was enough reason to break contact with him which is easier said than done when he was part of my social circle and friends of my friends.

[Whatifitoldyou]

I would be very hurt about the driving lessons if I was your husband. It's obvious your husband felt very uncomfortable about this friendship . I personally wouldn't have continued to spend time with a male friend if it upset my husband so much.

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

What does your DH expect to happen next? Neither of you can undo what was done, even if you wanted to. He won't go to counselling. So what's left? You told him your solution: counselling. He rejected it. So what's his alternative? Is it several more months of punishment by intimacy "time out"? How long will you get? Another year?

[Whatifitoldyou]

It sounds to me like your husband has emotionally detached from you. To some extent I agree that the time for counselling was way back when your friend had become more important than your husband. You say you were speechless that your husband held a grudge yet you knew exactly how he felt about the friendship because he expressed his feelings directly and this resulted in you choosing your friend over him.

I think you need to put yourself in your husbands shoes. The fact you are still arguing about it a year later shows just how damaging this friendship was. If my husband chose his female friend over me that would be the end of our marriage and there would be no coming back from it.

[Zanymummy]

Thank you everyone who read and took the time to give me your thoughts and advice, I got a friend to watch the kids and we went out for a meal and said what we had had to say and also listen to each other my concerns/issues to him and a lot of things that was uncomfortable for me to hear from him especially his sense of betrayal and felt second class etc, upshot is i am back in same bad again but having to stick to my own side of bed for now and we will take things slowly to get to know each other again and try and get the spark back,