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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He's going to Prague - final straw?

58 replies

motormama · 19/08/2015 10:11

BF and I have had a lot of issues for the last year. We split in March after he left me waiting for him till 4am after a night out with his friends. We've got trust issues and he knows I don't trust him because of his attitude towards other women. He cannot physically stop himself from checking out any blonde that he sees and he watches porn lots without caring about the effect it has on my confidence in our relationship.

A few months ago he went to Amsterdam 'alone' without telling me and this weekend he left his emails open and i saw he's been planning a trip to prague with a friend that he'd not told me about.

Can i seriously continue to tolerate this when he does nothing to ease or reassure my trust issues? He says they're just going sightseeing... how stupid does he think I am? He's also going to Russia next month... he always jokes about wanting a russian wife...

I think I'm going to tell him that if he goes it's over. He will go anyway, no way he would stop doing what he wants just to reassure me.

Am I being too controlling and insecure? Or is this guy really taking me for a mug?

OP posts:

Report

Tiredemma · 19/08/2015 10:15

God dump him.

Is it really worth spending your life agonising over some sad wanker?

FolkGirl · 19/08/2015 10:16

If you're unhappy and feel insecure and don't trust him then why wouldn't you end it?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/08/2015 10:19

Hmm. Not THAT much sight-seeing to be done in Prague. Lots of culture, and museums about the communist regime, and lots to do, but not what I would describe as sight-seeing. You need to kick him to the kerb

PatriciaHolm · 19/08/2015 10:21

Look, if you are unhappy with him, dump him. You don't need to go seeking out a load of reasons.

FolkGirl · 19/08/2015 10:21

Yeah, I suspect that it's more lukely to be the sort of "sight seeing" (complete with finger quotes) you don't want him to be doing anyway.

motormama · 19/08/2015 10:21

I'm starting to realise that he keeps doing these things even though I've made it clear that i'm uncomfortable with it and that it hurts me and our relationship. If he really cared about me he wouldn't do things he knows i'm not happy about. He always blames it on my insecurities and tells me that I should love him for who he really is, flaws and all, rather than trying to change him.

Such a waste of two years.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/08/2015 10:22

He doesn't appreciate you and you spend precious time worrying what he's up to so why not finish now.

FolkGirl · 19/08/2015 10:22

No. It's not a waste. What have you learned about yourself/men/relationships in that 2 years?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 19/08/2015 10:23

Those two years are not wasted: research and development. Research into what sort of twat you never again want in yiur life and development: knowing now what to look for next time.

motormama · 19/08/2015 10:24

So true, FolkGirl. He's my first relationship and first love so yes i've learned a lot. Mostly, to trust my intuition.

OP posts:

ffffffedup · 19/08/2015 10:24

Yes you are being controlling and insecure. How old are you both if you don't mind me asking? Do you live together or have any children? If not then you have no right at all to say he can't go - your his gf not his owner! If you do then I'd say the only valid reason for saying no is if you financially can't afford it or him going will mean you'll be without child care.

It seems a very immature relationship there's nothing wrong with him looking at other girls walking by it doesn't mean he's going to have sex with every girl that walks past. I suspect he plans these holidays in secret because he knows your going to give him earache.

Going away with the lads doesn't automatically mean he's going to have sex with every girl he sees he just wants a drink and a laugh with his mates. Why can't you do something similar with your friends?

This relationship is unhealthy and never going to last.

mindyourown15 · 19/08/2015 10:25

cannot physically stop himself - are you serious?? That alone is reason to dump, without the porn and everything else. Why place such little value on yourself?

ravenmum · 19/08/2015 10:25

What he is doing on these trips is irrelevant. Even if he is going sightseeing, why doesn't he talk to you about his life - what he is doing, what trips he's planning? In a normal relationship your partner talks to you about his plans rather than doing things in secret. It's not unreasonable to want that kind of relationship.

Why bother with an ultimatum? Why don't you just make the choice yourself?

CantAffordtoLive · 19/08/2015 10:29

I think its blood disrespectful eyeing up other girls, and its sleazy.

OP you have ever right to feel the way you do and YANBU over this holiday that he has not even had the courtesy to inform you of.

He sounds like an immature twat, you however, come across as perfectly reasonable.

glasshouses88 · 19/08/2015 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motormama · 19/08/2015 10:33

ffffffedup - this is exactly what he says to me... you could be him!! We're both around 30, no kids, dont live together.

Lots of women are more relaxed about these things, i know. Not me. I am a loyal, devoted girlfriend and i want a bf who feels the same. I think he needs to go and find one of these laid back girls now, because ive had enough of being treated like a second class citizen -- what i want in our rship is clearly irrelevant to him.

OP posts:

motormama · 19/08/2015 10:35

so ironic that you said this glasshouses88 .... I've been off work on annual leave for a few days and we stayed at home and did nothing. Id said for ages i fancied a trip away but he didnt do anything about it. Instead, he sits there on his laptop for hours whilst im on my precious days off work and plans a trip with his mates and organises his russian visa.

OP posts:

ffffffedup · 19/08/2015 10:43

If your afraid he's going to cheat in Prague then I suspect he'd cheat anywhere and not just wait til he goes abroad. Do you know he's cheated before or just suspect? If he's
Cheating then dump him anyway.

I think you should both enjoy time and holidays with your friends. Do you both see your friends or do you spend all your time together?

ffffffedup · 19/08/2015 10:48

Why couldn't you organise a trip away whilst you was off why did he need to do it?

tribpot · 19/08/2015 10:50

You seem very passive, motormama. You wanted to go away whilst you were off but hoped that hinting to him would result in him organising a trip? (Given his form it probably would have been a tour of various brothels in some other European capital). You want to give him an ultimatum about Prague so that if he goes the relationship is over. Just end it already. You don't need him to organise these things for you.

Make sure you take from this relationship the fact that you are responsible for your own happiness. Being a 'loyal, devoted girlfriend' (which I'm sure you are) means nothing if you are loyal and devoted to a tosser. If you had put as much care into your own feelings throughout this relationship as you have into his, you would have finished it in March, if not sooner.

Never hand all your power over to someone else.

motormama · 19/08/2015 10:53

He swears that he's never cheated, but I'm so skeptical because of his attitude. he's even said that if he were to do it then he'd just lie to me about it anyway.

He's a LOT LOT wealthier than me, he's a retired entrepreneur so if he wants to include me on all the glamorous activities he wants in his life of pleasure then he has to pay. I work hard, pay my own rent and bills and he does not support me financially in any way. We've been away before together and he always pays but for some reason, now he's going to prague (full of sleazy sex clubs) he doesnt want to pay for me but wants to go with his mate even though i've said i'd love to go to Prague, and Russia.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 19/08/2015 10:54

You want him to be something he isnt. Explain the relationshio isnt working for you anymore and wish him well. Then block and delete.

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ffffffedup · 19/08/2015 11:00

you want him to be something he isnt couldn't of put it better myself

ShitHappens1 · 19/08/2015 11:03

I'm not sure this is as simple as him being a bastard for going away. You're the one with the trust issues. You're the one that is insecure. You're the only with the problems. This isn't to say it's all your fault, he's clearly doing things to fuel them in some way or another, even if this is not offering you any comfort when feeling this way.

If this was him posting on here and he was female and he was saying, "My partner is so insecure that he won't allow me to go on holidays with friends without threatening to end the relationship and it's got to a point now where I have to hide it because I'm so scared of it arguments it'll cause." They'd be told to leave, that how dare somebody control whether they can go away with friends or not.

It sounds like you both need to have a conversation about things and you need to work on your self esteem. My brother/cousins/friends/partner look at women they find attractive. It doesn't make me feel any less attractive. At the end of the day after work, my partner comes home to me so you need to work on building yourself up so that you know you are enough!! Because you are!

And speak to him. If he isn't able to realise HIS flaws, then LTB. This is something you both need to work on and discuss.

TPel · 19/08/2015 11:04

You need to move on. He doesn't think this is a serious relationship and will string you along until he has had enough.

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