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Male friend visiting

(68 Posts)

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feelingsad75 Sun 16-Aug-15 15:33:09

Have been going out with a woman (41) for about six months

She has invited her male friend over from Australia to stay with her for 2 weeks then they are going on holiday to Spain for a week

She has a 1 bedroom flat but she says he is sleeping in the front room

She also says it is a platonic friendship which I kind of believe

Anyway he arrived yesterday and I'm having a lot of trouble coping - I feel like I'm being disrespected and am a bit jealous as she doesn't actually go out (dates) with me much but is going out with him virtually every day

Any advice on how to cope (got a bit drunk last night :-( )

Justincaseyoudidntknow Sun 16-Aug-15 15:48:01

Would you have the same feelings if it was a female friend?
How long has she known him?

In my opinion it all comes down to trust. If you trust her then the situation should be fine.

Could you perhaps suggest you go out with them sometimes? That way you'll see them together and get to know the friend, that might help the situation.

As a side point, if you're not happy with the amount of time you guys go out together, that's something you need to talk to her about as a separate issue

feelingsad75 Sun 16-Aug-15 15:50:23

No I would be ok if it was a female friend - she has known him for years as she used to live in Australia.

I do trust her but I mostly feel like she is disrespecting me by doing this - and I cant help worrying she will sleep with him if she gets drunk or something :-(

Justincaseyoudidntknow Sun 16-Aug-15 15:54:51

It's you that is disrespecting her by assuming that she'll sleep with him if she's drunk.

She isn't disrespecting you, she's having a friend stay for a couple of weeks.

feelingsad75 Sun 16-Aug-15 15:56:24

I dont think she will - is just that she very rarely goes out with me - and she is planning to go out virtually every day with this guy :-(

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 16-Aug-15 15:56:26

I just had to delete my first reply. The polite version: your insecurity and jealousy is your problem, bot hers - although if you start trying to control who she spends time with and how, it will become problematic for her & she'd be within her right to kick you to the kerb. And "disrespecting you"? Grow up! It's like women's liberation never happened!

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 16-Aug-15 15:57:03

Not hers

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 16-Aug-15 15:58:04

It's you that is disrespecting her by assuming that she'll sleep with him if she's drunk.

Quite.

feelingsad75 Sun 16-Aug-15 15:58:47

Where's the line then? Can she sleep in the same bed - is that ok?

Justincaseyoudidntknow Sun 16-Aug-15 16:00:13

I agree with dust.

But also, if this guy is on holiday, he probably wants to go out and see and do things! So she's going with him.

If it means that much to you, make plans with her, take her out. Make some effort.

You do sound quite immature in my opinion, worried she'll sleep with him just because he's a man staying in her house!! Your jealousy is going to ruin things for you

Justincaseyoudidntknow Sun 16-Aug-15 16:01:37

Oh come on now. Most adults don't share a bed with friends, whether they are male or female, if they have someone visiting them.

She told you he's sleeping on the sofa, that should be the end of the conversation

feelingsad75 Sun 16-Aug-15 16:02:05

:-(

I havent really sad anything to her about it - is just making me unhappy that she is prepared to spend so much time with this guy and so little with me

Justincaseyoudidntknow Sun 16-Aug-15 16:03:20

Perhaps she's just not that into you which is why she isn't spending much time with you!

feelingsad75 Sun 16-Aug-15 16:04:43

She repeatedly says she loves me though :-(

LookAtMeGo Sun 16-Aug-15 16:05:15

whats the reason you rarely go out with her?

VoyageOfDad Sun 16-Aug-15 16:05:59

Harsh

rouxlebandit Sun 16-Aug-15 16:07:40

You say the 2 of you don't go out much and you've only been going out for 6 months. So just how solid/exclusive does this relationship seem to you? Is the feeling mutual?
Is she going to introduce her friend to you?

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 16-Aug-15 16:09:06

Or she's being a good mate to an old friend who has flown half way around the world to visit and, given cost, she may not see in person again for another few years.

I spent most of the week in therun up to my wedding out & about with a friend who'd travelled over from Germany for our wedding. DH was not at all bothered. It's what you do for good friends. Well, if you have a mature and trusting relationship...

feelingsad75 Sun 16-Aug-15 16:09:11

We work together so we spend a lot of time together at work

She split up with her ex last august - we started going out in January - he still had the key to her flat - she went on holiday in february - so he let himself into her flat - logged onto her pc and read all our emails.

He freaked out and started abusing her and said he wanted to get back with her.

Since then me and her have been on and off constantly - she says she loves spending time with me and that she loves me. But she says she cant bring herself to cut her ex out of her life.

I admit this is messed up :-(

VoyageOfDad Sun 16-Aug-15 16:09:33

Jealousy is a natural response , but don 't let it overwhem you and do something you'll regret.

If they haven't seen each other for years, you have to accept they'll be going out and probably having a great time... Which will make you seem very whiny if you have a strop

How is the relationship otherwise ? If you don't go out much... Do you believe you're exclusive or is it a bit looser than that ?

How you deal with this situation , your maturity, will reflect on you well after Oz man has headed off.

A bit odd she's going on holiday with him though. Have you been in holiday with her ?

I'd just grit my teeth and leave them to it.

Justincaseyoudidntknow Sun 16-Aug-15 16:09:47

Not harsh. I've been giving advice and asking questions which the op is not answering. Just keeps repeating the same problem.

feelingsad75 Sun 16-Aug-15 16:11:44

Voyageofdad - all Ive said to her is that I got drunk last night - havent really moaned about it.

Justincase - what questions you want me to answer?

arsenaltilidie Sun 16-Aug-15 16:13:03

If she doesn't make time to see you then the writing is on the wall.
That in itself is reasons to dump.

As for dating someone who's having a male friend stay over for 2 weeks and a week away, I wouldn't get involved either.
It's too much drama, unless you are desperate maybe this one isn't the one.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 16-Aug-15 16:14:44

Sounds to me like she likes to have all you men in her life dancing attendance on her..... Sorry OP.

Justincaseyoudidntknow Sun 16-Aug-15 16:17:03

I gave you advice up thread about perhaps trying to meet this guy, go out with them, enjoy spending time together. It might put your mind at ease.

Honestly this sounds like hard work. 6 months in things shouldn't be so hard. Her not seeing you, you being so jealous, not spending time together.

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