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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I feel really hurt and stressed

22 replies

bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 00:31

This is a long story and I already posted about it in the week but it's to do with a very good male friend who I've known for about 10 years. I ended up having sex with him last week and this was only after we had a discussion about it, talked about whether it could damage the friendship etc. I was very hesitant about doing it at first. He had admitted he had feelings for me after I went to stay with him one weekend recently.

A few months ago he was seeing a woman he met on a dating site and complained to me that he didn't really feel they were compatible etc. he also complained that she had been going through his phone and was upset about messages she found between me and him. I told him that if he wanted to get involved with me in any way, he would have to end it with her. Because I didn't want to be complicit in anyone else's misery. He was direct about not wanting to have his cake and eat it. He said he would end it before doing anything with me.

But it seems that after all this, he actually hasn't ended things with her at all. And he is not being up front about what he is doing.

I feel so betrayed. He is not just any man - he's someone who supported me during the worst most awful times in my life and who has seen me at my very lowest points. For him to have lied and made me into someone he's cheating with is devastating for me and I can't believe this is happening.,

I feel really stupid.

OP posts:

Report

LaurieFairyCake · 15/08/2015 00:34

I don't understand

Why would he end it with her if you two are just friends (at your instigation) and just had sex once?

Do you want to start a relationship with him?

LaurieFairyCake · 15/08/2015 00:36

Maybe he's not going out with her either and they're casual and she doesn't mind he's having occasional sex with friends?

It might not be cheating, she might know

bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 00:36

I don't know. But if he is with someone else, he should not be having sex with me should he?

OP posts:

RepeatAdNauseum · 15/08/2015 00:37

So he was with her first. You agreed to have no strings sex, once, without it affecting the friendship, as long as they broke up first. You found out afterwards that he didn't break up with her?

bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 00:37

If it was casual with her though, why would she have been a. Going through his phone in the first place and b. Getting upset about me messaging him?

He was going on weekends away with this woman - that doesn't seem to be casual to me,

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bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 00:39

No, it was not like we agreed to have sex once. He wants it to be an ongoing thing.

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DontKillMyVibe · 15/08/2015 00:41

Sorry but whilst he may have told you things were casual with the girlfriend he was clearly acting like & telling her something totally different. Player and not worth your energy

bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 00:46

I think he's a player too. It's fairly obvious when his Facebook has had the highest security for years so that even friends can't see anything.

Obviously I didn't see him that way because he's supposed to be my friend. Or so I thought.

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bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 00:49

I think I am most hurt because the friendship is ruined now that he has shown his integrity doesn't stand up.

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trackrBird · 15/08/2015 01:11

It's very hard when you see another side to someone you know as a friend.
You think you know them well: but you don't, and wish you hadn't gone there and spoilt what you did have.
I'm sorry it didn't work out as hoped.

BettyCatKitten · 15/08/2015 01:25

Sorry boden that this has happened to you. Do you think he wants FWB arrangement with you? But hasn't got the balls to say it or understand your feelings?

bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 01:54

I don't really have any expectations for me and him at this time in terms of commitment. He lives 2 hours away from me and I have a very busy life, in fact we both do. But I don't want him to make me someone who he's cheating with when we were always such good friends. If he's with someone else he should be honest about it. And the fact that he's not doing the right thing by her concerns me.

He knows my feelings about it because I made it clear to him beforehand.

He seems to have become the latest in a series of men who has a thing about my boobs. Which is a huge disappointment for me. As I say, we go back a long way. He knows loads of very private things about me.

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BettyCatKitten · 15/08/2015 02:04

I see, you're very disappointed in him and lamenting your friendship

bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 02:07

Yes, that's what it is.

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Smilingforth · 15/08/2015 06:59

Let a week pass and it may become less raw. It's sad

bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 08:43

The thing is that he doesn't seem to want to discuss it with me which I think is not a good sign.

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bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 09:09

Do you think I'm actually over thinking this?

It's just that I made it clear to him before anything happened that I don't like to get involved with people who have a commitment elsewhere.

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mindyourown15 · 15/08/2015 10:01

So he was unfaithful to her with you - why are you saying you are overthinking this? Seems to me he is a cheat and he used you - sorry.

bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 10:03

Why isn't anyone reading this properly? I never said he cheated on me.

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bodenbiscuit · 15/08/2015 10:04

I've only has sex with him once. It's more that he has approached this as being single when he isn't. If he was just any man I would move on but he's not - I thought he was my best friend.

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mindyourown15 · 15/08/2015 11:52

He cheated on her though. And once a cheat always a cheat. He is far from a best friend tbh.

BettyCatKitten · 15/08/2015 13:32

I'm very sorry boden, but having sex with friends rarely ends happily.

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