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Can anyone break this down for me please?

(25 Posts)
Luckystar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 09:43:59

I had DS 9 months ago. He is a delight (of course!) and obviously life has changed so dramatically since he was born.

What I never for a second imagined, was how huge the upheaval would be for DH and I. I really need someone to help me move forward please.

When DS and I got home from hospital, my DH moaned constantly about how tired he was and promptly went to bed at 7am leaving me up with a new born and no idea what to do. Ok, I thought, things will get better... What actually happened is he then (on night 2) moved out to the spare room, put in ear plugs and didn't come back into our bed until DS was roughly 3.5 months.

DS is still bd on demand, so there has always been a bit of 'well I can't calm him down' etc from DH. He has never got up at night, has never put him down for a nap, generally doesn't get massively involved (all though does play and interact very well).

I am finding it very difficult to get over just how dreadful DH was at the outset. I felt abandoned when I most needed help, and I am so bitter. I see and hear of other dads being so hands on that I can now see that what DH did was not the 'norm'.

Please help me break down what is stopping me from moving beyond this.

Luckystar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 09:44:39

Sorry, DH went to bed at 7pm not am!

candlesandlight Thu 13-Aug-15 09:46:57

Why not change to bottle feeding and then dh cannot use bf as an excuse

AllThatGlistens Thu 13-Aug-15 09:58:04

You can't move on because your DH was an arse!

There's no need to stop BF, I'd be feeding, then handing to DH to change/settle.

There's absolutely no reason he can't be doing that as a minimum. Settling a baby simply takes practice, he doesn't need to be the person that gave birth to be able to do so. It sounds as though he's doing all the "fun" stuff instead of the actual parenting, and it should be challenged.

Will you be able to discuss this with him truthfully and will he be receptive to hearing it?

kittybiscuits Thu 13-Aug-15 09:58:47

Oh Lord. Stick with breastfeeding if it's working for you and your DS. Your husband is a selfish, lazy arse and abandoned you at your most vulnerable. Has he acknowledged this? Taken responsibility for his sublime self-centredness? What does 'move on ' mean? Carry on as if he didn't do this? I have experienced this. It's hard to avoid knowing that when things get tough your husband won't support you at all. I think you deserve more.

Luckystar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:02:42

Thank you for replying. DS won't take a bottle and in any event, I want to continue bf until DS is at least one. I think my issue is mainly still being angry at the first few months

category1 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:03:17

What does your dh say about it? Other than he can't settle ds?

Is he generally lazy about the house and leaves domestic things to you, or is it the baby stuff only?

kittybiscuits Thu 13-Aug-15 10:03:56

It's not a mystery why you're angry. You're angry with good reason and it sounds like he's still shirking so how could you move on?

Luckystar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:07:31

Oh I just saw other replies. By move on, I guess I mean get over!

I have discussed it with him and he was so apologetic and upset. He knew he'd done wrong and acknowledged that he really struggled initially to bond etc, which I can accept.

The difficulty I have is that every time I am finding the going tough, I keep harking back to it in my head and I get so upset.

I have in fact just now spoken to him again and said he needs to take more responsibility as I was happy to be the (practical) some carer to. Newborn but not to an almost toddler.

I suppose it is compounded by the fact we have no family support nearby so I have bourn all if DS entirely since his birth.

BoeBarlow Thu 13-Aug-15 10:11:35

Has he since apologised for his behaviour when your DS was first born. I can't believe he went to bed at 7pm and left you with a newborn complaining he was tired shock Where did he think you'd been? On a spa break??

Until he steps up to his responsibilities as a father and starts to redeem himself you won't be able to move past the resentment. Have you spoken to him about this?

Not being able to feed baby is not an excuse to not take care of him at all. Babies cry for other reasons. I found with my DD (also EBF) that DH could sometimes settle her better because if I was holding her she'd just want to feed constantly.

thanks

Dobedobedo Thu 13-Aug-15 10:11:43

He'll bond with your ds through caring for him. He sounds like an unsupportive arse and I'm not surprised you're angry at him.

Tell him to do the nappy changes or rock him to sleep at bed time or get him dressed in the morning or something. He really needs to put in some of the work for all your sakes.

Luckystar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:11:58

As to generally, I am now a SAHM (I was working in a highly stressful job, long hours, long commute etc) so it wouldn't have been compatible with children. DH works very hard and so I am happy to do most of the house work etc as that is my job now and he does do bits and pieces and the dIY etc.

I think I am just so disappointed in him really. I thought he would be an amazing father.

Luckystar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:13:47

Sorry my bloody iPhone is putting punctuation in instead of words! My posts are dreadful!

BoeBarlow Thu 13-Aug-15 10:14:51

Sorry, x-posted with your reply OP. It'll take time for you to get over the resentment you feel. He has to go beyond the bare minimum to redeem himself. Maybe he just felt overwhelmed at the beginning but he should've considered your feelings as well.

Luckystar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:16:05

Oh and thank you everyone, it has been nice to rant and see that others agree that I'm not completely bonkers!

FolkGirl Thu 13-Aug-15 10:24:40

Why not change to bottle feeding and then dh cannot use bf as an excuse

What a ridiculous suggestion!

I'm pleased to see you've have more sensible and supportive advice.

Yeah, unfortunately, you've little wayof knowing how good or supportive a dad ssomeone will be until it's too late sad

From experience, the more he does, the mote involved he'll feel, the more confident he'll be and the more he'll do.

And once someone has stepped outside off anything for this long, the harder it is to get back in to it.

But it can be done.

ALittleFaith Thu 13-Aug-15 10:32:28

I think the reason you're upset is that while he's apologised for being rubbish in the early days, even now he's still not helping or taking responsibility! I think you need to be assertive when he's at home and say Right, you can put DS down for his nap today. By that age, I was back at work and DH was with DD all day on a weekend (I do 13 hour shifts). You need to push him to take responsibility.

Luckystar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:51:07

Thank you, I think that's right, I need to push him and encourage him. I suppose I just got into a rut of 'I'll bloody do it then!'

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Thu 13-Aug-15 10:53:42

Agree changing to bottles to get him to help is not helpful advice. It wouldn't change anything anyway! Because it doesn't matter if a baby is breastfed, a father can still be involved and bond with their baby in numerous ways: passing baby to mum in the night for feeds; jiggles and hugs with baby if upset in night; playing during the day; bouncing on knee; walks in the pushchair; carrying in sling when out; chatting when in bouncer seat. It's not difficult - it just depends if the father is bothered or not.

Yes, it's a big change when a baby comes. But it's supposed to be an adventure that the two of you can go on together as you learn about being parents. I understand why you're cross and finding it difficult to forget how rubbish he's been. It hurts when one partner doesn't support the other. I can't believe he went in another room, put ear plugs in and left you to it!

Despite all this, he has shown appreciation that he has let you down and is sorry. You can get over this. Yes you'll hark back to it when under pressure as it's still recent and it still hurts. But it will get easier. You say he interacts / plays well and that is great because babies become ever more in need of that as they get bigger. I'm sure your husband is well on the way to being as in love with your baby as you are - and, as he becomes a toddler and then a little boy, they will be the best of friends. Subsequently, when he reflects on how he was in the beginning he will feel guilt and regret and you will no longer feel resentment because you will know he feels bad enough about it! Good luck and well done for getting this far!

Goldmandra Thu 13-Aug-15 10:59:33

My DH isn't father of the year by any means and years into parenthood still thinks of the DCs as my responsibility by default. He once left me in hospital with a fractious four month old and a six YO just out of theatre following a major op, saying he couldn't cope with it. Even he wasn't prevented from being a hands on father by my DCs being ebf.

From day one he did all nappy changes and most of the baths with both babies. this was probably aided by both being born by CS so I couldn't do the first few anyway.

Hand your DS to his dad and go out. Leave him to it and he will have to get on with the job. The more he does it, the more he will grow in confidence.

Joysmum Thu 13-Aug-15 11:04:05

I don't see why the odd bottle, be it formulate or expressed wouldn't be a good idea. I got an occasional night off, DH enjoyed it and they bonded.

I breastfed my daughter but we did the same. It came in very useful when I was very ill for a week too.

I certainly would never have swapped to bottle for anything permanent. But it helped us all.

Goldmandra Thu 13-Aug-15 11:17:12

I don't see why the odd bottle, be it formulate or expressed wouldn't be a good idea. I got an occasional night off, DH enjoyed it and they bonded.

If a baby is resistant to the bottle, the last thing the OP should ask her DH to do is try to feed him one. It would definitely not be a pleasure. Holding a screaming frantic baby, trying to get a teat in his mouth while he flails around and then, if he does take a few sucks, being terrified of doing something that stops him won't make any reluctant father more inclined to get involved.

I tried hard with DD1 to get her to take a bottle with very little success. We never got to the point where I could leave her over a feed time.

Anyway, even if the OP stopped bfing altogether, her DH would find another excuse. The bfing is a red herring. He just needs to be given the baby and left to get on with it.

QueenofWhatever Thu 13-Aug-15 12:01:55

My ex was the same. He left me in recovery after I had Dd by Csection and then wouldn't let me come home, as he thought he was coming down with a cold.

Once we got home, it was pretty similar. Yes, he apologised, but didn't actually step up. Actions speak louder than words.

My biggest regret is that I didn't leave sooner and waited until DD was 4.5. Do you genuinely think he'll change?

Luckystar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 12:31:02

Thank you all this is just so useful! I think a possible explanation is that a lot of his friends are older, experienced parents who seemed to constantly suggest that the father only became hands on when the baby became 'fun'. What I think happened is these fathers forgot that's not what they actually did in reality and as time has passed, we have heard more of the truth and less of the make believe and sadly my DH listened to the make believe.

I do think he will step up, I suppose part of it must come from me letting go and allowing him to do the crap parts along with the fun!

Thank you magical that really is what I needed to hear!

I really appreciate all of your advice and stories.

ALittleFaith Wed 19-Aug-15 08:05:24

How are things Lucky?

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