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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband on tinder

26 replies

Pasflo · 12/08/2015 15:50

I picked up my husbands phone accidentally last week and put it in my handbag. On my way to work he rang me and seemed really angry about me having the phone. Normally I would have a quick look at his whatsapp and texts. This time I had a better look and went through it all. He ad the tinder app. And when I looked there were a few messages from him to girls. No conversations as such but him obviously trying to start a conversation. One said "up for meeting for drinks and steamy fun".

To give some context I have always known that he is a flirt and has totally inappropriate text conversations etc with girls. A year ago he finally admitted to sexting one girl regularly when I was at work. He only admitted it because the girl told him she would show me the pictures. He admitted to meeting and kissing her on a couple of occasions. I have always felt it was significantly more than this. We seperated for a while although I continued to allow him to see our daughter on a daily basis. He was very contrite and begging forgiveness etc etc and in the end I took him back. He promised things would be different.

I was actually unsurprised about finding the tinder stuff - no hysterics etc but feel numb inside. I don't think he would have followed through with anything physical but it shows that he just can't stop doing these things. Not sure why I am posting but can't tell anyone in real life and would appreciate opinions.

OP posts:

Report

TokenGinger · 12/08/2015 16:02

You know this isn't right. Set him free to do whatever it is he wants to do. Ignore his apologies and begging for forgiveness. Focus on making you happy.

Jan45 · 12/08/2015 16:08

Get rid, what a complete sleaze ball, do you really want associated with him, he's never stopped trawling for girls, probably people already have seen him on it.

If you forgive again, you really are accepting be treated like a piece of shit.

He probably knows if he begs enough and cries the usual crocodile tears you will give in, it doesn't change the fact you cant trust him as far as you can throw him.

I'd not discount him having had sex either, he appears to be addicted to finding women.

ElizabethSpenser · 12/08/2015 16:44

Pasflo, he sounds a shit.

What do you want? If he has form for this type of thing he will do it again and again. Is this your future?

Louisa2412xx · 12/08/2015 16:48

What a creep!

daisyJ123 · 12/08/2015 16:52

Follow your heart & your instincts.

Pasflo · 12/08/2015 16:53

I took him back because despite being a shit husband he is a good dad and I felt my daughter should have us both around. I know he loves me and I have always loved him but I don't think that is enough. I think that he will keep behaving like this. We have had some good times but they are rare these days. He has stopped putting in much effort lately.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 12/08/2015 17:03

Sorry but he cant possibly love you or respect you.

I'm surprised you love him.

He can still be a good dad, doesn't mean it has to be at the expense of your self esteem and worth.

Pasflo · 12/08/2015 17:09

He has made me feel like shit about myself over the past few years. I used to be really confident about the way I looked and dressed but totally lost that now. I have put on weight after a baby and poor health. Our sex life has always been dire. We have sex occasionally but it doesn't last very long and is over when he finishes. When I write this down I don't know why I'm finding it difficult to make a decision but I dont have the stomach for all the drama involved in seperating.

OP posts:

Phoenix0x0 · 12/08/2015 17:12

I know he loves me and I have always loved him but I don't think that is enough. I think that he will keep behaving like this. We have had some good times but they are rare these days. He has stopped putting in much effort lately.

Yes, it is not good enough by any stretch of the imagination.

The fact that he got so angry, tells me that he knows it was wrong but did it anyway. We all know that tinder is a hook up app.....he may not have done something yet but I bet the hell he had tried. He cannot have his cake and eat it.

Get rid. LTB. Set him free.

Both your daughter and you will be happier.

inlectorecumbit · 12/08/2015 17:12

But do you have the stomach for more relevations, more sex texting, more bad sex, more feeling bad about yourself???

Which is worse when you think about it?

Phoenix0x0 · 12/08/2015 17:14

So you would rather let him completely disrespect you by letting him carry on?

He really has done a number on you hasn't he.....sex finishes when he is finished

Louisa2412xx · 12/08/2015 17:16

I don't want to hurt your feelings or upset you but I very much doubt he has respect for you when he's acting like that.
You deserve someone and something better.
My ex was the same soon as he was " finished " the sex was finished.
Selfish

Jan45 · 12/08/2015 17:18

I got that impression from your OP that you are accepting this as part of your relationship, I think he knows very well you wont leave, such a shame that you are allowing a human being to disrespect you like this.

Can't actually believe you'd rather stay than face drama, your life with him is a drama.

glasshouses88 · 12/08/2015 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glitteryarse · 12/08/2015 17:22

That's shit op. It would be final doors for me.

He isn't a good dad to your dd as she will learn that's it's actually ok for men to do this and it isn't.

Pasflo · 12/08/2015 17:27

I am the main earner so finances aren't an issue. I found this out on Friday. He called me constantly through he day making excuses. We then went away fro the weekend with friends which had been planned along time ago. I kept things normal for the sake of appearances. He has not mentioned it at all since then. No apologies no reassurance nothing. He has been trying to make small talk with me but I've not been interested. I feel angry that he's not got enough of a spine to sort this out but seems to want to just brush it under the carpet.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 12/08/2015 17:31

He wont sort anything out OP, he wants you to forget it again like last time, bury it under that wee mound that's already there.

I'm afraid it's grown up time for you, either make a stand and mean it or accept it, I feel you are already making an attempt to accept by playing happy families with him, he must be very smug, no consequence - again!

notapizzaeater · 12/08/2015 17:34

He won't sort it out, he's got away with it before so will be expecting to get away with it again,

mindyourown15 · 12/08/2015 17:41

I think you need to stop minimising what he has done. Crap sex, unfaithful, and the meeting the woman for kisses only, it was way more than that.

Btw allowing him to see your dd daily - allowing isn't really on firstly, and separated he would see her EOW and maybe 1 night in the week. And never in your home.

So find your self respect and get rid. You have yourself a cheating cocklodger who makes you feel shit about yourself. Staying for the children - well you are showing them it is good to live in a relationship with a cheat. Is this what you want for them too?

Pasflo · 12/08/2015 18:08

This isn't what I want for myself. Far from it. I don't have the energy to deal with all this. I wanted to believe him when he said it was the last time when everything happened last year. I think at times I would be better off by myself. At least I wouldn't have to put up with the uncertainty and lack of honesty.

OP posts:

ABTwife · 12/08/2015 18:12

Imagine your daughter grown up and telling you all this about her partner.

Would you suggest she should tolerate it because he's a 'good Dad' and her kids should have her parents in the same house?.

Or would you tell her she deserves a relationship where she's loved and respected and her partner doesn't sext with random women.

mindyourown15 · 12/08/2015 18:20

But the energy of living with someone who treats you like this is so much worse.

Your big mistake was letting him get away with it last time. He will never change.

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fieldfare · 12/08/2015 18:33

Of course you can find the energy not to put up with this bullshit.
How could you carry on being with someone that clearly treats you with such contempt?!

Pasflo · 12/08/2015 19:12

Thank you for all the opinions. This is the only

OP posts:

Vernazza · 12/08/2015 19:20

Pasflo I am sorry but you can be sure he has taken it further. Don't believe anything different. I know that hurts like hell, but where there is smoke there is fire. I am sorry you are going through this but he won't stop - ever. These guys do not change. Save yourself and start anew. It's not easy, but it is worth it, and it gets harder the older you get. He can still be a "great dad" - he is just a shite husband. Start a new life, build up your self esteem again and look after yourself. You deserve so much better than this cruel man and you have the key to your own cage. Use it. x

Flip

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