Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Looking for 3rd Party Input..

(43 Posts)
MustDoBetter0001 Tue 11-Aug-15 17:15:54

Right first off Dad/Stepdad here so please feel free to move me if I am in the wrong place.

SitRep: Co-habiting after both having long relationships which ended on a Bum note, were childhood friends from Age 10 till now and DW (Other half, the lady in the relationship) Is a vibrant Family Focussed, Child Focussed parent who wants nothing more than and Happy loving relationship, with lots of friends and children involved. Still works one day per week after the birth of our Child.

She's a 10, A man magnet too, although she doesn't know it, Likes a good drink, Holidays, Parties, Facebook, takeaways etc

Me, SME owner, work about a million hours in a week, very hollowed out after my last relationship and seriously don't see myself in the mirror just a stranger. Never really wanted children Now have three ( two inherited, one joint) Don't drink, don't smoke, don't do much of anything besides work any more.

I'm not sure what I am, but prefer to cuddle up on the sofa watch a movies, Holidays I find a massive stress as I am away from the job and its not quite in the position where its self sustaining yet. it still needs a lot of decision from me and also outsourcing the work to other costs me money.

I am the main income earner, anything with a direct debit is my responsibility apart from Sky and the food bills

OH is currently on Holiday with family, the reason I am not there are three fold.

Last two holidays have been a disaster in terms of work/ life work right up to the dot and then meet family at the airport, get back to the airport and depart straight to next job.

Whilst on Holiday, stress through the roof and due previous statement was on the back foot

finally work conditions on this occasions, (totally outside of my control) have hit me hard, with staff leaving and equipment failing without warning.

12 months ago, I got a business coach and I no longer work one day a week, I have with a couple of exceptions stuck to it.

whilst she is holiday I am decorating the house so the carpet fitter can come and do his thing, her car cost just short of a grand to put in condition for her to go on holiday in it, and the cost of the carpet would wipe out the savings so I paid for the car and am spending the time I am not at work decorating the house. This actually started the thread

I am trying to run a business, be a father and a partner, but its very apparent I am coming up well short.

We tried an exercise the other night with post it notes about what we want to be in 2020 and her items were such as

"social Life", "Nice family holidays", "Be able to talk to me about awkward subjects with out me burying my head in the sand"

We agreed on the kids stuff

As part of the decorating I want to put something on the wall ( something I hate doing by the way) that will inspire me (and the three boys) to be better men.

I have two blank canvas's and have found a company to do the vinyl lettering so I was thinking

"With love we make our house our home"

If anyone has similar ideas or suggestions of wall inspiring statements I am all ears or if you have comments on any of the above I will be happy of the input as I put earlier, no friends...

maras2 Tue 11-Aug-15 18:32:45

Holy God! If I came home from holiday to that I'd turn about and bog off again shock

niceupthedance Tue 11-Aug-15 18:35:16

When was the last time you had a holiday that wasn't stressful? It's not healthy to have inadequate breaks from work. Could you arrange a less stressful holiday, eg to the seaside instead of abroad? Or go for a few days while they stay longer?

The wall lettering sounds like a nice sentiment but I'm sure your dw would have preferred your company.

DoreenLethal Tue 11-Aug-15 18:45:28

You shouldn't need to tell kids that with love you make a house a home; you should show them...

Is it worth forgetting about your business, getting a 9-5 job and having just a normal family life? It all sounds so stressful.

AnyFucker Tue 11-Aug-15 18:46:17

I am not sure exactly what your question, tbh

your post is all over the place

the wall thingy...I would hate that

your workaholicism...it's probably going to ruin your relationship sooner rather than later

error, what else was there ? confused

pocketsaviour Tue 11-Aug-15 18:52:56

OP, you will find that MN in general is not keen on Big Words On Walls.

If you think that your DW will like the sentiment and wording, then go for it. Make sure it comes off if she doesn't like it though. (I wouldn't.)

You posted a lot of other info. Did you want to talk about some of that too?

Isetan Tue 11-Aug-15 19:21:59

You sound resentful. You're working a million hours while she's swanning off on holiday (from her one day a week job), while you're left doing jobs in the house (you hate) and footing the repair bill for her car.

Why are you two together? Apart from her being a #10 and a man magnet, what are your compatibilities? After your 'what do you want to be in 2010' excercise, did you ever talk about the goals that needed to be set and met to realise those aspirations? I know you mean well with your inspiring canvases but given the current situation, the sentiment just sounds hollow. There needs to be more concrete words, followed up with decisive action.

Your work life imbalance obviously needs addressing but you first need to understand where your common ground is and if you want to move forward then your tendency to bury your head in the sand needs to be addressed.

Have you thought about solo and relationship counselling?

Hissy Tue 11-Aug-15 19:30:05

I wish I had something constructive to offer. You sound like a stroke waiting to happen sad

Please put plans in place to make sure that you get away and manage to enjoy part of your life.

You need to hire people better than you, so they are able to hold the reins while you are not there. You can't be this indispensable.

DoreenLethal Tue 11-Aug-15 19:31:16

I don't think these aspirations are beyond the pale to be honest

"social Life" - yes, most people want some sort of social life that involves some form of friendship. Might be good if their partner had time to be involved but if not, they need to get some stimulation from somewhere.

"Nice family holidays" - what's not to like about that? Again, if your partner would rather stay home then that's their look out.

"Be able to talk to me about awkward subjects with out me burying my head in the sand" - so, talk. What are you scared of?

ElizabethSpenser Tue 11-Aug-15 19:36:38

As a former wife to a workaholic I would suggest that you review your work/life balance. You know that work to live not live to work.
If you continue to work like this, not take much time off or make yourself indispensable to the business you will risk your health, your relationship and your family life.
You clearly are devoted to your DW and children. I hope you can find a balance that works for all of you.

Wotsitsareafterme Tue 11-Aug-15 19:38:26

Hi op. I feel stressed just reading your post hmm I totally get why you can't cope with the holidays but God that would hack me off if I was your partner. You live separate lives sad please keep posting lots of advice to be had here

MustDoBetter0001 Tue 11-Aug-15 19:53:17

maras2 noted!

niceupthedance 2007, good break in 2011 although prev relationship

DoreenLethal Job takes me away a lot, also I am step parent for 2 and dad is poor role model, nice thought on the job however what about the people I employ? due to my flexible working practise lots of stay at home mums would be out of pocket ( they get somewhat more than min wage btw)

poster AnyFucker Noted

poster Isetan she got bored after about 3 post it notes, I dont feel resentful, I see it as part of the deal of being the bread winner and the choice of not going is mine ultimately, if I came across as resentful it certainly wasnt the intended message

poster Hissy Its a progress thing and I am going in that direction but sudden departure and a lot of expense put me on the back foot

poster ElizabethSpenser I am lot better than I used to be and whilst I am not looking for credit. any change to the busness involves planning and nurturing. I have goals and plans and already mentioned couple of setbacks lately.

Just cant seem to tick the family box

I think I am going for this in one of the empty spaces

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00KDYHBB4/ref=s9_hps_bw_g201_i2/279-5236491-7704649?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=merchandised-search-3&pf_rd_r=1JG2FHESTXNX19871AT7&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=585438407&pf_rd_i=1938836031

put it at child height

Cabrinha Tue 11-Aug-15 20:00:25

Don't put any canvas on the wall.

Put the blank canvas in front of you now, and write "a goal without a plan is just a wish" (if you must have a statement)

Then take those post it notes and stick them on, and work out how you get there.

You know what really strikes me?

You can't engage with your family because of work... yet you have time to DECORATE?

What's more important, new carpets or your wife and kids?

You don't need to decorate.
You don't need to work as many hours if you're just pissing it away on carpets.

Here's a Pet Shop Boys lyric for your canvas:

Go to work and take your calls
Hang the fruits of your labour on the walls
Such precision and care
What does it matter if there's no-one here to share?

1. Cancel the carpets
2. Stop decorating
3. Use the time gained to get work in a position to have 2 days off
4. Call your wife and tell her you're doing 1-3 and when she gets back there'll be a 2 day extension to the holiday where you can be a family

Couldashouldawoulda Tue 11-Aug-15 20:06:51

Well said, Cabrinha! And do something nice all together on your new-found days off!

Cabrinha Tue 11-Aug-15 20:08:07

Oh and the reason she got bored with the post it notes, is she's your wife, not your employee!
I get where you were coming from with it - but no, just no.
You can't just brainstorm and then think it'll be magically fixed without effort!

There's so much in your OP. You say she's great, but then you say she likes parties and you like cuddles in front of the TV. She drinks you don't.
Do you actually feel you're compatible?

I don't understand the thing about you paying for her car repairs because the savings would have been wiped out by the carpets. Sounds like there's some odd financial situation there. Are car and carpets not the same pot of money?

Cabrinha Tue 11-Aug-15 20:13:54

Also, 2020?
You know it's 2015 now, right?
You will not have a relationship if you set 2020 as your goal date for fixing this!

You need to be working on what can I / we do differently TODAY.

Stop looking for canvases. Use the time saved to ring your wife and kids and hear all about the holiday. Be PART of that holiday now - ask what they're doing. Ask for a photo. Tell them you miss them. How much time would you expect to spend TALKING to them tonight? Facetime or Skype them. Ask THEM about the decorating. Involve them.

Offred Tue 11-Aug-15 20:33:18

Agree with Cabrinha.

You could sell your business and avoid the employees being put out of work, in fact I don't understand why anyone would just fold a business rather than sell it.

I also think either the business is flawed and unviable or you are not as indispensable to it as you imagine.

You are working at a rate that will destroy your relationship and may well kill you and then what will happen to the employees?

Put on your own oxygen mask first and all that...

Your family responsibilities are just as important as your work responsibilities. You will get no thanks for expecting your family to suck up your lack of input for the sake of your personal interest in the business.

Offred Tue 11-Aug-15 20:37:39

And in fact I would bet it is the latter - that you aren't as indispensable as you imagine since if you are big and viable enough to be able to accommodate flexible working requests you surely are big and viable enough to have a better structure that doesn't rely so much on you, in fact it is a very poor way to run a business.

Is there no way you can promote or hire someone to properly and regularly take over some of your responsibilities?

Offred Tue 11-Aug-15 20:40:31

You are the only person married to your wife and the only father/step father to your children. What you are currently doing is likely to be sending her and them the message that they may perhaps be better looking for someone who is better suited to those roles.

MustDoBetter0001 Tue 11-Aug-15 20:42:42

my days off are to cover the OHday at work so I have the kids,

I am getting the silent treatment regards to Phone / skype

"I don't understand the thing about you paying for her car repairs because the savings would have been wiped out by the carpets. Sounds like there's some odd financial situation there. Are car and carpets not the same pot of money?"

we have a shared savings pot. by working this weekend she could have the carpets and the car ( carpets from the shared savings, car from me to go on the holiday with) I had saving up until a couple of months ago as I just save money naturally for stuff in the house I relinquished control as there which I wanted to prioritise which were not priorities for her, I dont see why I should make her choose when I could afford it. Thats why I kind of kept it back rainy day money ( I sound like a twat already I know). She has spent on her priorities and the car caught her out I suppose.

"You can't engage with your family because of work... yet you have time to DECORATE? "

decorating is my choice she doesn't know I am doing it. technically I wasn't invited to the holiday as i was a miserable twat on the previously holiday but hey its my day off so I might as well do something constructive with it rather than moping around the house its mindless painting and giving me time to consider my actions / behaviour ( and post on here during tea breaks)

butterflygirl15 Tue 11-Aug-15 20:45:26

your post reads like a business proposal.

So she is a 'man magnet' - foul term btw, so therefore you think you have to pay for everything. But you don't actually like doing that at all. You work too hard, you are broken by a prev relationship and you are chucking shedloads of money and stress at this new woman trying to make it work. Yet you sound miserable.

DoreenLethal Tue 11-Aug-15 20:48:14

technically I wasn't invited to the holiday as i was a miserable twat on the previously holiday but hey its my day off so I might as well do something constructive with it rather than moping around the house its mindless painting and giving me time to consider my actions / behaviour

Well, there you go then.

And are you considering your actions/behaviour?

Cabrinha Tue 11-Aug-15 20:58:01

She'd rather go on holiday without you, and you get the silent treatment.

You'd rather stay home and decorate or hide at work than face that your relationship is hanging by a thread.

You didn't want a child but you've got one and you aren't over your marriage.

She feels she can't talk to you about anything.

You need heavy duty couples counselling and SOON.

(and counselling on your own too)

I don't think you can't get time away. You can. You are now. I'll take a punt - work is an excuse to hide from your partner.

Offred Tue 11-Aug-15 21:14:17

So you don't share money generally?

You are decorating the house without her knowing while she is away on holiday?!

Controlling much?

Offred Tue 11-Aug-15 21:17:08

You both could afford the carpets/car btw because you are a family with children and the money surely belongs to you both not just to you.

The car was fixed so she could give your family a holiday, which is something you seem to be unwilling to do...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now